siaomeen

2011-08-12T01:36:00.001+08:00

Galatians 5:1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery

current craving: chilled mooncakes

Fwd:

2011-07-07T01:14:00.000+08:00

You said you would carry me. But as i struggled and learnt how to walk all over again, i look back and see you've never moved.

What is a dream? Do i leave everything aside to catch the dream? Or is it the dream itself that i have to let go off? Am I worth the dream?

2011-07-07T01:13:00.001+08:00

Are you goin' to Scarborough Fair? Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme.
Remember me to one who lives there, she once was a true love of mine.

Tell her to make me a cambric shirt (On the side of a hill in the deep forest green).
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme (Tracing a sparrow on snow-crested ground).
Without no seams nor needlework (Blankets and bedclothes the child of the mountain).
Then she'll be a true love of mine (Sleeps unaware of the clarion call).

Tell her to find me an acre of land (On the side of a hill, a sprinkling of leaves).
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme (Washes the grave with silvery tears).
Between salt water and the sea strands (A soldier cleans and polishes a gun).
Then she'll be a true love of mine.

Tell her to reap it in a sickle of leather (War bellows, blazing in scarlet battalions).
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme (Generals order their soldiers to kill).
And gather it all in a bunch of heather (And to fight for a cause they've long ago forgotten).
Then she'll be a true love of mine.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme.
Remember me to one who lives there, she once was a true love of mine

2011-04-03T00:43:00.000+08:00

Crossroads are never easy. I have a feeling im up for a huge decision in my life. remain in lukewarm comfort zones, or move on to hot burning exciting life changing adventure route. My mind and heart says, move!

I was made a conquerer in christ.

2011-03-21T22:29:00.000+08:00

When the body is tired, its time to rest

Steps

2011-03-06T15:51:00.000+08:00

Taking one day at a time.

Rough, but i know that nothing beats living each day by god's grace and strength.

Week 15 : post scoliosis operation

2011-01-31T11:33:00.000+08:00

Went for a second large group gathering with uni mates :) Body is recovering well. Pain has largely reduced to sudden excruciating pains on the pelvic bone about 1-2 times each hour. Other times, i feel rather normal comparatively to weeks before.

Stamina is still weak. Push my body to go for 2 outings in a day, ended up with a massive hangover – like recuperation the next 2 days. Headache, weak muscles, body aches. Have to constantly remind myself that i need to be more patient. Be contented with one outing a day. Nothing more for now.

Still am not allowed to drive due to the sudden pains.

Been to tesco for grocery shopping. I can cover half the place, with careful plans on not repeating walking through the same aisle. After covering half the place, im limping back to the counter to pay and into the car. Still a good breakthrough :)

Last week of full day MC before i go back to work. Am excited to see how far more my body can go. Dont test, dont know.

Keep track

2011-01-26T14:48:00.000+08:00

I have 3 weeks to recover fully. God help me.

I dont know what to pray for or how to pray anymore.

Let this test of faith be one of walking closer to God.

Amen,

Week 14 : post scoliosis operation

2011-01-24T16:05:00.000+08:00

Healing always comes with pain. Pelvic wound is healing, i choose to think so because it has been hurting rather badly this week.

The pain, is as if there is a grass cutter running on the raw bone wound giving a sharp poking sensation and it travels down to my right knee. Both buttocks, lower back and upper part of thighs will feel numb when there is pain.

Its a rather funny feeling when i touch the numb areas. Like leg numbs after sitting cross legged for sometime before the pins and needles takes place. But in this case, it stays numb.

Wound is clean and sealed. No more liquidy discharge coming out from the wound. Upper back is starting to feel normal, with no discomfort everytime its touched. Middle and lower back still feels discomfort when touched. Not the normal pre surgery feeling yet. Pelvic wound on the other hand, when touched gently, i cant feel a thing. If cleaned with alcohol swap, i’ll jump from the sensation. Feels like someone hitting my knees, it auto reflects. Just like when the wound is cleaned with alcohol.

Thank god for the 2 extra weeks of MC. Still need to rest flat down every 2-3 hours to prevent overstraining.

Learning to accept that total recovery is going to take longer than 3 months. It could well takes months or years. I was initially prepared for only 3 months, expecting movements to be back to normal after 3 months. Looks like i need to adapt more and be more patient to recover fully. A spinal correction surgery is a way major surgery after that. I need to keep reminding myself that. It takes time.

Thank YOU

2011-01-22T18:56:00.000+08:00

Hey… Just wanna thank you for the conversation. You made my day… :)

You made my day and weeks to come to. All the best to you old buddy.

The milk is half full

2011-01-17T23:58:00.000+08:00

No sitting for more than 3 hours.

No excessive bending

No walking for more than 30 mins in a row

No walking at normal speed

No working for 8 hours straight

Any slight exertion leads to total rest for the next 2 days. Stamina is low but there's nothing i can do to improve it within this short time span.

What i want to do is not what i can do. Practical learning of all things are possible through Christ who strengthens me.

Its a struggle to be as normal as possible in a world of normal people. I feel defeated.

Week 13 : post scoliosis operation

2011-01-17T15:58:00.000+08:00

Doctor’s appointment was postponed by a week. Busy doctor with so many patients queuing up to see him.

X ray shows that the vertebrates has fused nicely with the screws and metals :) That’s good news.

On the other hand, slower recovery to the second wound. Wound and surrounding areas are still numb all the time.

MC got extended by 2 weeks followed by light duty for the next 3 months.

Posture is better compared to when i was first discharged. The x ray showed that my right shoulder muscles are much larger than my left sides. Doctor said its because before the operation, i used the right shoulder muscles more to make body less obvious of the bend. Need a lot of exercise to balance both shoulder muscles back again.

Going back to the doctors reminds me of the operation and the first follow up check. How i had to be wheeled in a wheelchair in and out of the hospital and clinic. Thank god for so much of recovery in a short span of 2 months!

God is good :)

I am not afraid

2011-01-12T16:38:00.000+08:00

No i am not afraid. I know that there is a better place waiting. No more worries of losing tempers, no more worries of taking care of a whole extended family. Just being surrounded by love all day through.

I will cope. And i will be strong. You have taught me well to carry on.

You, you, you

2011-01-11T12:07:00.000+08:00

photo from CartoonStock

Week 12 : post scoliosis operation

2011-01-10T18:52:00.000+08:00

Weddings and having the boyfriend around makes me happy :)

2 weddings in a row, one on saturday and one on sunday. Am glad that these 2 days were one of the bigger motivations for me to get well enough to attend :)

There still are many limitations to what i can do or what i cannot do.

Breakthrough of the week : wore comfy sandals with a slight platform at my heel. Had prawns for the first time after so long.

Limitations : sitting and standing for 4 hours in a row gives me sores and aches at my lower back and thighs.

Noticed that when i walk, my left shoulder is not aligned. Need to work more on my posture.

Am concern on physically being able to cope with work in January. its 2 more weeks to go and with a sitting/standing stamina of 4 hours, it will be a big challenge to work non stop for the whole day. Pray and have faith :)

Doctor check up this week :) excited to hear on the good news on recovery.

Circles

2011-01-05T18:53:00.000+08:00

Today i learnt that as we grow older, our world will automatically include more and more circles in it. And our own circle may not or always will not take the centre stage.

When everyone is grumpy and upset, instead of hearing them out, it may be a good idea instead to hide and have a tortoise moment of my own.

Week 11 : post scoliosis operation

2011-01-03T18:51:00.000+08:00

I did my first squat!!! Thank God for another breakthrough in recovering :)

Shifted upstairs with the help of my brother :) Do limit myself to the number of times i take the stairs to not overstrain the muscles

Getting well soon and going back to work soon :) Now that coloring work is done, i do miss coloring. Ask for more :)

Motivated to get well soon. Attending 2 weddings next week!

Back to work

2011-01-03T11:07:00.000+08:00

Happy 2011! :) Im back to work from home for these 2 weeks. Doctors extended 2 weeks of MC because of slower healing on the pelvic bone. Sharp electrocuting pains a few times a day but im coping well with it :D

First task of the day, create some pareto charts :) Useful stuff for data analysis. At least it helps to create focus for the more important areas.

Tight schedules coming up my way. Office work, kindy work, teaching tuition for PMR, trying to keep on pace with reading whole of the bible this year and perhaps finding something i like to do in between all of these.

Its going to be a hectic and fun year. :)

I’m the best. Not

2010-12-31T16:25:00.000+08:00

How can someone who doesnt know the ropes insist that his way is better?

How can someone who cannot even cook insist that this way of cleaning veges is wrong and impossible?

How can someone who knows it in the head to not judge says the very opposite of what is known?

The tongue is sharper than a two edged sword.

Plateau

2010-12-30T21:14:00.000+08:00

Photo taken from http://ahoy.tk-jk.net/macslog/TheTopTenRiversoftheWorld.html

Week 9 : post scoliosis operation

2010-12-27T18:49:00.000+08:00

I can sit longer now :) to about 3 hours each time.

Been actively coloring and cutting pictures for the children in the kindergarten. Feels useful after doing nothing for 2 months

Went for my first dimsum after operation. :) and my second dimsum too :) Thank god for answering prayers. Was craving for fried sui gao, and was allowed to eat it during my second round of dimsum.

Tried doing a squat! and succeeded :)

Can bend down to take things now :) with a little aid of holding something so that i can balance my weight

Week 8 : Post scoliosis operation

2010-12-27T11:12:00.000+08:00

Breakthrough in my limits! Thank god.

Started Saturday with a joy ride to church. Took a different route but it was filled with road bumps and affected the limit of my back. Was out of breath before we reached church.

Took a small break in church, and make the whole way back :) Thank god!

Rested and cooked lunch, managed to make another trip to Mydin in the neighbourhood to get some ingredients. My first trip to a supermarket :) Another breakthrough, thank god! It feels different having other people around me besides only my family or those in my house. Had a slight fear of people knocking into me.

Saturday night went out for dinner at Subang Parade :) Managed to walk from the carpark to the restaurant, carefully choosing the shortest route to minimize the distance. Managed to sit throughout dinner and walk back to car in carpark :)

Happy to eat out and have my favourite salmon sushi finally. :) 8 weeks back i was at the exact same place eating and able to sit and walk normally. So much have changed in 8 weeks. Walking slower than normal still garnered so many people looking at me like im an invalid. No difference from renting a wheelchair from the mall and be wheeled around. Walking around aided compared to walking around normally, makes me feel really grateful for being able to walk around still. At least i still have the opportunity to walk and be alive. Thank god.

Went to church service finally!!! Had to bring a pillow to rest my back. It helps to cushion the pain :) Had lunch out too, dimsum for the first time :)

Walking speed in public is slow, very slow. Do not have the confidence to walk alone yet. have to hold on to someone else’s hand.

Week 8 passed rather quickly. Started holding colour pencils for the first time after a long time. first day of coloring was tough. Couldnt tell my hand’s strength and ended up with 3 blisters all around my right hand the next day. Thank god for constant improvement of strength and coloring as days went pass. :)

Went for round 2 of sakae sushi too :) This time was on Wednesday, the speed of walking got faster. However, could have walked too much the same day, lower back and pelvic area was sore before we reached home

The numbness along the pelvic bone has gradually reduce, now i can feel touch slowly along the wound.

Wound resistance to touch has improved too. Can now use bathing soap to rub over back’s wound lightly.

Tortoise moment

2010-12-14T12:51:00.000+08:00

I cant run, so i hide under the shell

I cant shout back, so i stay silent

I cant go up, so i keep myself occupied

Warning : Daily tortoise moments increases chances of social learning and causes mental diseases.

Week 7 : post scoliosis operation

2010-12-13T16:45:00.000+08:00

I can climb the stairs at home to go upstairs!! The look of everyone upstairs when they saw me half way up the stairs was priceless!

Watched a clip on dance. started off being very excited thinking i can do these steps too. halfway through the clip, suddenly i remembered that i wont be able to do more than half of the steps anymore in my life. my heart sank.

Went out to church for another joy ride :) Managed to make it to church and back non stop sitting in the rear passenger seat.

Wanted to go to church for service but couldnt make it, legs were aching from the ride the day before.

Of coloring and cutting

2010-12-08T13:45:00.000+08:00

:) Been busy coloring pictures that starts with all alphabets and cutting them out with their labels.

Good physiotherapy for my fingers to recover their original strength, and also a good time filler while i recuperate before going back to work

Thinking of how the kids will be using these pictures brings a smile to my face :) This is better than having chocolates to make me happy

Thank god for giving me the motivation to push through. There are days when i felt like taking my own sweet time, days when i took a total rest from coloring and cutting pictures out.

Today was a miracle :) Had about 12 more pieces of pictures to cut and 6 more pieces to color and cut. My prayer this morning was to have strength to cut as many a possible, if possible i want to finish all of them today. Prayer of faith, knowing my back’s tolerance to sitting on the chair.

Its now lunch time, and i have 6 pieces left to color and cut, then this task is completed :) im excited to push through for the rest of the day. Can start on a different task tomorrow :)

Week 6 : post scoliosis operation

2010-12-06T16:45:00.000+08:00

Decided why not keep a few blog post for what i’ve been through the past one and a half months :) For remembrance and also to encourage others with same spinal bend as me.

Good news is, i went out for my first dinner! Had KFC within the neighborhood. Zinger burger tasted like freedom!

Went out for a joy ride to church! The journey to and fro is about 1 hour. Managed to sit on the rear passenger seat without standing for a whole hour! Was rather skeptical on how my body will react to the uneven Malaysian roads, but thank God all went well :) Left hand was rather sore because i was holding on to the bottom of the seat too tight :p

Follow the rain

2010-12-03T11:35:00.000+08:00

I choose to follow the current of the river. It goes by one direction. Rowing the boat upstream is a tough job.

And its now quiet.

Avoid this topic, but it came up on its own. I didnt go anything this time.

God, have your way.

Week 5 : post scoliosis operation

2010-11-29T16:44:00.000+08:00

Finished the prescript multivitamins. Urgh, what a victorious feeling. Took a lot of prayers and determination to use my fingers to cover my nose tightly and swallow down the mixture of melted pills with water.

First round of period cramps after operation was painful. Jokingly mentioned that cramps are more painful than the operation itself. I had morphine to help cope with pain after operation, compared to tiger balm to sooth cramps now. Had some difficulty curling up into a ball to warm up tummy, only can stand, sit or lie straight from now onwards.

Suggested to parents to let me sleep upstairs but was rejected. Not ready to climb the flight of stairs yet.

Face still looks pale once in a while.

Able to sit longer now, about 1 hour each time. Brother shifted my computer downstairs for me to use :) How sweet.

Wanted to go out for dinner so badly. A change of air would be good for me, so i thought. Took a shower all on my own, wore long pants to prevent getting a cold and got into the car. Journey to restaurant takes about 30 mins as dad was extra careful to go slowly especially on the uneven roads.

Just before reaching the restaurant, i felt exhausted. Body felt like all energy was drained out and i was falling asleep. Everyone got concerned even more when the restaurant was rather crowded. It could take another hour sitting in the restaurant waiting for food before another 30 mins journey back home. We ended up packing nasi lemak to be eaten at home.

Not ready for long rides out yet, but i had my first nasi lemak after operation! i love malaysia. Still restricted from eating groundnuts and chicken.

我喜欢

2010-11-27T16:35:00.000+08:00

作曲：潘协庆作词：潘协庆编曲：王豫民

看蓝蓝的天空下绵绵的白雪停在你脸上
爱在巴黎的赛纳河畔上面眺望赶不上的玻璃船

却不觉得(找不到)遗憾早已沉醉在你暖暖的手掌
紧握住我不放偷偷的闻着你带孩子气的男人香

呼… 我喜欢就这样靠在你胸膛
呼… 我喜欢没有时间没有方向
呼… 我喜欢像这样爱的好自然
不用管别人投什么眼光随你带着我四处地(去)游荡

呼… 我喜欢一醒来有你在身旁
呼… 我喜欢赖在床上看你喝汤
呼… 我喜欢你的手放在我肩膀
像是担心我会消失一样为我每一寸消瘦(瘦弱)而感伤

好想就这样有你在身旁一直到天长

在日记里圈上每一页都有你好幸福的时光
对照第一次见面到此刻的温柔是不是都一样

Marriage and kids

2010-11-26T15:02:00.000+08:00

Wow, its my turn to feel that im getting old. Friends are getting married and having kids of their own.

Im becoming an aunty next year sometime end march.

柯以敏:想你想疯了

2010-11-25T13:09:00.000+08:00

这个城市那么吵
不能赶走我寂寥
冷冷的被窝睡不好
午夜梦回你知我多少
裹着你的黑外套
渴望着你的拥抱
任你的气味把我绕
这样恍恍忽忽到天亮
你可知道
我想你想你想你想得快疯了
我想你想你想你想得快死了
在地上挖个洞
能不能直通地球另一端的梦
我想你想你想你想得快疯了
我想你想你想你想得快死了
等你到天亮等待铃声响
对着电话说是我是我是我

You are important to me

2010-11-25T10:10:00.000+08:00

It takes time, maturity and experience to learn what important means.

Thank you for being the more mature one, the one who keeps to words, the one who knows what is said and the weight of each word.

Its been a good 2 years knowing that we will have an beautiful story written out together :)

F major

2010-11-22T10:07:00.000+08:00

there is bound to be an area of life that we dread facing. Sometimes its a small corner that reminds us of unpleasant past or memories that we do not want to remember, sometimes its an area where we've knocked our heads in the wall a few times but still with no solution to it.

Some people run from it, but true fighters choose to face the issue face to face. Let’s deal with it once and for all. A breakthrough is sufficient.

And so, my brother was the one who encouraged me to face F major on the guitar, without barring any chords.

And i did it! :)

The Pupil

2010-11-18T17:21:00.000+08:00

Singapore media corp series on lawyers and their daily lawsuits faced, coupled with intertwining of law decisions affecting their daily lives. Didnt expect this series to be way better than Ally McBeal. The arrangements of plots makes me gasp every 5 minutes and makes my finger click next episode without fail.

NTV7 will be showing the 9th episode out of 12 episodes this coming Tuesday at 8.30pm. The 12th episode is a 2 hour finale. The same series can be found in youtube. Link to first episode (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5L8VXDaqtmA)

Im truly impressed at this English production by Mediacorp. From the ending, sounds like there is a Season 2 installed somewhere. Cant wait for the next installment.

TM has a new interest in antivirus?

2010-11-16T18:08:00.000+08:00

After a month of subscribing to Unifi, I must say the speed is way better than Jaring or Streamyx. Using Wifi is fast, if with LAN cable, downloads are done at the speed of light.

Out of curiousity, how does TM trace that there is a virus on my computer? They called through a call centre number (03-22465000)today to ask me to update my antivirus.

Tracking my internet activities? Isnt that a violation of individual privacy?

two sides of the coin

2010-11-15T14:49:00.000+08:00

When a miracle happens, its personal will whether to acknowledge the miracle or grumble at previous circumstances not working out the way we want it to be.

Was searching for direct flight tickets from Singapore to Tianjin (one way) during Chinese New Year period. Its super peak season and all is expensive.

Xiamen Airlines – approx RM1300

China Southern Air – approx RM 1000

Air Asia, including transit in KL from Singapore to connect to Tianjin – approx RM750

If you need to go home for CNY, you need to. But imagine having a family of 4, that’s a huge amount of money involved just to be back for 2 weeks. :s

With the grumbles and regrets of not booking early enough during the last Air Asia promo, the clouds looked gloomy. Expensive-nye.

Good news is, Air Asia is having a Chinese New Year sale and a Final Call, Boarding Now sales too. Specially for those who didnt manage to grab cheap tickets the previous rounds!

Thank God for the sales, now the same ticket from KL to Tianjin cost only RM220. Managed to book all 4 tickets at wonderfully low prices compared to what is offered by Xiamen Airlines or China Southern Airlines. Miracle timing i call it.

Maid issues

2010-11-10T09:00:00.000+08:00

Funny how we think we are superior to domestic helpers by dictating what and how work at home should be done. True that money is paid and a contract of 2 years is signed, and by right on paper the maid is tied to the employer, alleged pledge of loyalty for the 2 years involved.

We have heard of cases where maids worked for years for the same employer and they enjoy their work. The Star came out with an article interviewing a few maids with multiple years of work experience some years back.

Yet at the same time, there are numerous cases of maid abuses, starting with Nirmala Bonat, the string of cases are seemingly continuing.

What about employer abuse by the maid? When it comes to maids who stubbornly insist on doing work their way, having acute short term memory of 2 days and forgetting to do work after that or have to be re-taught, slow learners who do not want to learn, maids who are incompetent to take care of the young, sick and elderly, those who show their temper, maids who sleep with the male employer in hope of getting money, etc.

No one is born a maid, but its a job chosen. Seen so many maids that worked out because they have the right attitude, and so many maids who just are so lousy that they dont deserve to be paid even. Perhaps its a thing to consider to start a maid agency with proven quality track records of maid. Proper prep and proper attitude. These can be trained and nurtured, or so i think.

Of chains and affairs

2010-11-09T17:46:00.000+08:00

Question of the day : why does relationships work out the wrong way leading to one going to a third party for comfort or pleasure?

Common enough, difference in character, opinions, temperaments creates leading issues in a relationship. Even mature adults do not know how to handle the difference. I do not have an answer to it.

Often or not, behaviors that is not welcomed by the spouse is detected late in a relationship, after years of covering and letting love blind the eyes of seeing the real person. Being honest helps to solve half the problem. Being open and willing to change for both helps to solve the other half, or so i think.

There is an insecurity in me of losing someone to affairs. Perhaps its seeing and hearing what happens in real life. Too many cases close to the heart weakens the hope that love is loyal forever.

Knowing that all i want to know is for someone to prove my thoughts wrong, the only way for me to be convinced is by experiencing it myself.

Security comes from real love. While real love comes from God. Teach me the meaning of love and trust once again.

CSL G8 phone review

2010-11-08T12:49:00.000+08:00

I was looking for a wifi phone or a dual sim card phone to cater for my long break from work. Wanted wifi for the flexibility of going online anywhere, even more that we now have Unifi at home.

With limited time to look for a phone with a budget of approx RM6++, i was open to any available ones despite being a 100% Nokia supporter all along.

When i was introduced to CSL G8, i was firstly surprised at how close it looked with an I phone. It was my first hand exposure with a touch screen phone. rather impressive.

I was even more attracted to the phone after getting to know its a dual sim card phone. saves trouble of getting one wifi phone and a second basic feature phone to cater for 2 sim cards.

Place : subang parade

Price : RM635

Freebies : hands free kit, plastic backcover for phone, charger, finger print free screen protector

Post buying experience:

Plus (+)

I liked how i could customized the buttons on the menu by moving them around.
Speed is rather fast, for a malaysian made phone.
Applications for facebook, messenger, google, opera mini is ready to be used
3.5” screen. screen quality is clear, colors are bright.

Minus (-)

It would be even better if the buttons could be moved around across pages. Then i could have placed the main features i use on the first page.
some of the applications are copied from other phones like i phone, sony ericson. Half done work, apps are either in chinese or the buttons are not made for CSL G8
Youtube doesnt work on this phone! (or i have yet to find an app to make youtube work)
Google-ing on google app is troublesome as certain webpages cannot be shown (ie. error message : memory not sufficient)
VGA camera. or so i think so, there is no specification mentioned, pictures are rather blur

Was faced with a rather serious production issue with this G8 phone i bought. Everytime calls were made, i could hear the other end, but the other end couldnt hear me due to loud buzzing sounds like a spoil telephone. The disturbance was worse when i was near any computer or on the road driving.

Send the phone back to Subang Parade where i bought it, the salesman couldnt do anything. Went to Sunway Pyramid where the service centre is, thank god for good service. No questions were asked, no request for guarantee letter, they took my G8 and reformatted the phone, with constant polite request for me to check if phone is better.

Despite these attempts, the buzzing sound didnt go away, but remained equally loud. Sent it to the HQ in Glenmarie, Shah Alam for the final check. Same, no questions asked, no request for guarantee letter but was just asked to fill up a form and write down the problem and i could go back and collect the phone within 24 hours.

Final verdict : the microphone was faulty and needed a change. CSL HQ did manage to fix my G8 within 24 hours.

Good service, better than any other brands based on my experience.

The verdict :

For a dual sim card phone, CSL is the in brand now with a large variety to choose from. But for a wifi phone, the applications are half done. Any other wifi phone would have much better and professional applications that are much more user friendly and less copy-cat feel.

silence

2010-11-06T18:40:00.000+08:00

solitude place to pray and think and be free of the bickering

what we are today is a reflection of social learning theory. its either we absorb to make it me, or go the total opposite. total opposite leads to feeling out of place.

do not conform to the world.

teach me what is love.

2010-10-19T14:59:00.000+08:00

day 10

im typing on a computer for the first time after 10 days. movements are slower. able to walk, eat, sleep and i thank god. swallowed crushed pills so far.

got my self a wifi phone with initial thoughts of blogging everyday's experience but the phone was too heavy and im too slow in typing on a qwerty keypad. maybe i'll reconsider

:) life has thrown many of its challenges my way earlier than my age can take. but i thank god for the experience knowing that each unique encounter has its own purpose.

i want to get well, enjoy the holidays, enjoy the break. start doing what i planned. :)

Handovers and singapore

2010-10-04T17:57:00.000+08:00

Operation is this coming saturday. talk about time passing by fast. the past few days of work has been focusing on handing over tasks that i deal with on a daily basis to my fellow teammates.:)

been mentally imagining how the operating theater will look like, feel like. how the pain will be like. Have yet to feel any inch of fear, thank god. The boyfriend is coming down for a whole week to take care of me. that'll surely speed up the healing process. its the first time in the past 2 years plus that we get to spend so much time together. a breakthrough in our relationship sure :)

Am currently writing from Singapore. I like this country, the order, the people, the food, the prices. It is holiday destination. someday, some how after i get well.

Telling myself i need to learn how to walk fast, so that i get to enjoy the rest of my holidays. that's what i aim to do at least. bake a little, read a little, surf the net a little, walk a little, eat a lot. so much to look forward to. its important to remind myself to keep a positive mindset.

41 degrees at the lower spine is no major stop for me to continue with life :) thank god for family and friends and a super romantic boyfriend.

2010-09-01T11:43:00.000+08:00

operation : set
pre-operation food feasting : in progress
work handover : in progress
exercise to lose fats : keep in view

counting down, another 37 days to go

2010-08-22T21:29:00.000+08:00

twister

orange juice

captain crunch

durians

water

sparkling juice

cheese macaroni

ice cream

potato chips

mamee

maggi

syrup water

chicken wings

im scared. i wish i had the courage you have to see the sun and sky.

gah bah

2010-08-22T20:46:00.000+08:00

tons to split
filter
stacks up in piles
cupboard
sherbet in mode freeze
ice
shout my lungs out
projector
silent i choose to talk
ring

2010-08-08T15:01:00.000+08:00

No it didnt happen. Floating n drowning in roaring waves n thunder.

2010-08-08T14:59:00.000+08:00

No it didnt happen. Floating n drowning in roaring waves n thunder.

2010-08-07T00:51:00.000+08:00

After many times of asking, persuading and 42 months of being together, i get to finally go and see where he grew up. his school, his kindergarten, his childhood photos.

:) im excited

2010-07-27T22:20:00.000+08:00

Business travels. Look smart. Bring an organizer. Fly the shuttle like taking the LRT. Wear slacks, heels. Put on lipstick. Bring wipes to look fresh at all times.

I'll be like a PA to a director.

Good exposure :)

2010-07-25T19:47:00.000+08:00

your dad asked : how am i doing?

each time i see him, i ask him : how are you doing?

its been 10 years since.

2010-07-25T19:30:00.000+08:00

was suppose to go for a birthday dinner :( but it didnt work out. we went all the way to kl, it was raining so heavily that the roads to that place was flooded. turned away, flooded again.

ended up having a good girl talk off old klang road, with a good bowl of fish head noodles.

2010-07-22T22:26:00.000+08:00

Eyes are so tired. everything seems extra glaring. But sleep is not coming to me :(

over exhaustion till body doesnt know how to shut down.

This is dangerous

2010-07-21T07:47:00.000+08:00

I need to go to work. I need to go to work. :D

2010-07-20T23:10:00.000+08:00

"sometimes its better to keep quiet and listen"

Thank you. I've learnt it and brought it along with me throughout these years.

2010-07-18T21:29:00.000+08:00

am on a hunt to achieve my/our dreams. fingers crossed, palm clasped.

let your will be done.

2010-07-18T19:36:00.000+08:00

And we ask. why they can do such a big production, and do it so successfully? and why we are no where near there? why they have this and why we dont?

its been an ongoing discussion, and im fed up with it. with the people, with the attitude.

"ok. i'll volunteer to do ours next year"

"dont be stupid, who do you think you are? you dont have the connections"

period. the veterans steps down. the young ones are not allowed to step up.

there's no excuse, no reason to compare.

and so our hearts grieve for the lost fire and lost revival in the church.

LDR day 4

2010-07-16T22:25:00.000+08:00

The operation is on :D Sometime end Sept/early Oct.

hopefully it wont be LDR anymore by then. or maybe for 2 weeks at least.

LDR Day 2

2010-07-14T22:41:00.000+08:00

Its funny to see how when people set their heart on protecting
something or someone, they go all out. Even when its not pretty, even
when the world says no, even when being discouraged by others.

A weakness is not a weakness if it is shown light to turn it into a
strength. Love overcomes all weakness. I hope this stays real forever.

LDR Day 1

2010-07-13T22:09:00.000+08:00

This is what LDR really is. Distance + no communication. no wonder its tough to maintain.

U.S.A.

2010-07-12T21:47:00.000+08:00

We first talked about it when we started dating. He was suppose to go to US for work, maybe for a good 2 years. Will we survive that long a distance for such a long period? What will become of us?

The plan never worked out, US dragged on and on. He changed jobs quite a bit. But i know its his dream to go.

Now that he's finally leaving tomorrow, i still feel reluctant to let go. But i know i should let him catch him dreams and he'll return.

Accident, he knocked me!

2010-07-07T20:15:00.000+08:00

First time being knocked by a car, feels scary. Was at the traffic light waiting for it to turn green. A 2 lane road with a slope going down in front. All of a sudden, felt the car shake, and saw a wira squeezing his way through in between the 2 lane of cars that was already waiting. Mine was the last of the queue, so i got hit first, then the car on my right. i felt the car bumped into me 3 times, and saw my right mirror flipped backward the other way round. Oh no, its not going to look good. and i have a small, light car. As the wira squeezed through more, it hit both cars in front of me, directly and diagonally in front.

As the traffic light was still red, i called dad. sos, should i go down? Panicked. What if it was some drunk fellow running away from the police? saw the rest going down, i made a quick inspection. Not too bad, just some light scratches on the paint above my right tire. Other than that, nothing major.

The wira driver called for all 4 cars to turn into a petrol station to discuss. Mr Wira came down and inspected my car too. i didnt dare to go down, kept my engine on in case i needed to speed away. He was actually quite nice. told me, there are a few light scratches, points to the scar. but nothing else. i told him, its ok la. a few scratches, nothing serious.

Drove off. what an experience. Lessons learnt

1. when knocked, take a photo of the car's number plate

2. if possible, take a photo of the driver

3. never inspect a car on the road, in case car from back knocks me

4. if nothing else, no need to negotiate

5. be nice, dont honk unnecessarily. if needed, honk lightly twice, not one long loud honk

2010-06-30T18:22:00.000+08:00

That's why we need friends. That's why i need friends.

Known uncertainty is acceptable. But unknown uncertainty leads to rejection.

Im scared. N i cant imagine myself saying this. But im not ready.
Despite going through the thought so many times mentally. Im not
ready. What is taking place now is not what i thought it would be. Be
vague, go in circles. At least i know im still on the roundabout. Now
im sitting in some strangers car heading to some unknown place.

I need friends.

National muzium

2010-06-26T07:39:00.000+08:00

Container yard trip

2010-06-19T11:46:00.000+08:00

Parked and saw, stacked up containers. So this is how it looks like in a container depo.

A few other liner’s brands seen as well

First check, when the containers enters back into the yard, everything has to be washed clean. Some clients return their containers with rubbish still in, assuming the container yard is a dumping ground. Quite a challenge to charge them a penalty fee.

The refrigerated containers were a big hit! Hot weather + bright shiny sun + puteri lilin people. Good way to differentiate reefer containers – most of them if not all are white in color.

Seeing how the cranes lift up containers, big accuracy needed, as the crane hooks up only 2 small hooks on the left and right top.

Going into a container, this one is slightly damaged on the top. Small dent but to clients, it means stuffing a few boxes less = less money to earn.

A flat rack container, the sides are open to load out of gauge cargo.

Good trip! could be even better if the we made if for the vessel tour. Missed it due to no security clearance. :( Next time round maybe.

Timur Permai Container Yard

2010-06-17T21:32:00.000+08:00

Depo tour today :) Pictures of the numerous containers coming up soon

Fly me up to the sky

2010-06-15T00:05:00.000+08:00

When all is betrayal and lost of trust

When respect is turned into disgust

When lust takes over love

True love never fails

As much as its so painful to see pieces of broken glasses shattered around

As much as its so painful to hear of role model that never existed

As much as it is so painful to hear sobs and tears knowing its genuine

True love never fails

Convince us that love exist

Convince us that there is a plan and purpose

Convince us that there is a solution

True love never fails

treasure chest

2010-06-13T18:13:00.000+08:00

Happy birthday you.

one... two... three...

2010-06-07T21:49:00.000+08:00

I should be counting the blessings. And the love.

Thank you.

counting money

2010-06-07T19:33:00.000+08:00

To one he gave 5 talents of money, to another two talents, and to another one talent. Each to his own ability. Those that had put their talents to work, gained one fold more.

The servant that didnt do anything with his talent, got it taken back and given away.

Where's mine? I like the background work. Maybe because the limelight reminds me of childhood phobias. But is there a possibility of doing the behind the scene work that doesnt pay?

I remember myself as a kid who put hardworking into practice to help push myself. God's blessings has been wonderful. But i was never the kid who could sit at the piano and miraculously play a tune. I was the kid who had to sit for 3 whole hours a day practicing just to get that distinction cert.

I was never the kid who could stand up, talk and do a presentation, impressing the crowd. No, i was the kid who shivers when i stand and talk to public, taking the tables and chairs as props to hide the wobbly legs.

Now i realise, i am not the kid who can come out with business strategies that will work, have PR skills so good that buys in to every sales person. I am the one sitting at my desk, quiet and doing things that makes me feel more responsible that i should be.

Where and when is my turn to start counting?

I need strength to pull through each day. I like it, but im so drained out to step out from where i am. What i have in my hands each day makes me feel small and intimidated.

Missing ships :(

2010-06-06T16:06:00.000+08:00

So the containers are stucked at the port, with just hours to go.

On a Sunday morning.

Jams

2010-06-04T07:33:00.000+08:00

Thank God for the jam to work and back from work, to have time to seek extra help in the morning. And to recollect the whole day’s work and start thanking God one by one. :)

Another tough day passed by. As much as it is a daily challenge to be standing at my desk, cracking my head to shift cargo left right centre, or to just come up with new rates and strategies, or even sit though a gruesome meeting saying something that makes sense. I know i have God to seek company and advice from.

2010-05-25T21:53:00.000+08:00

The promotion has kicked into effect. :) Thank god for his blessings. Its amazing to see god's miracles happening even in work. Imagine, we were out of ideas, and somehow, this ship managed to make a u turn just to pick up cargo :) (which saved my job) Amazing stories to be told.

Challenges do pop up by the mountain loads along each passing hour. But i'll take it as a good learning curve, and more opportunities to see God's blessings even at work.

This weekend is a dating weekend. :D im excited, very excited

Walk with me

2010-05-16T16:25:00.000+08:00

It takes more than venturing into new areas individually to sustain a relationship. It takes collectiveness, and tons of effort.

Took a long drive up to Sungai Petani, taking the north south highway, and down again, this time branching out from taiping to detour and meet him.

Ends with a bright horizon. A new start to the massive construction.

Love knows no boundaries.

2010-05-15T01:32:00.000+08:00

I force my eyes open. Keep myself busy with all other unneeded things. Tell me, all is well.

But the tears doesnt say so. It flows in trickles, just an overflowing bucket of water. Nothing more, nothing less.

Why? Why? Why?

If, then i’ll love you. But not the way he does.

Its just coincidence that both chose a different path. Its not a mistake.

Thank you for that one hour of your time.

2010-05-15T00:53:00.000+08:00

I'll take any shoulder.

I just need a place to let the tears flow.

2010-05-11T19:02:00.000+08:00

Common questions. Awkward answers. Awkward silence.

I cant speak for u.

Do u trust me?

Im still here.

2010-05-11T14:14:00.000+08:00

Until i convince myself, it'll remain a dream. And i dont want to wake up. Even if its a nightmare. I dont want to wake up. Because i fear once i wake up, the dream is gone. Forever.

2010-05-10T07:52:00.000+08:00

I wish i can give up everything, for love.

The longer it is, the more uncertainties hold us back, the further we
seem to drift apart.

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

And still I dream he'd come to me
That we would live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I don't want to jump in the boat and years down look back to say : I
should have waited a little longer.

Don't give up yet will you?

2010-05-10T01:37:00.000+08:00

I wish i can give up everything, for love.

The longer it is, the more uncertainties hold us back, the further we
seem to drift apart.

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

And still I dream he'd come to me
That we would live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I don't want to jump in the boat and years down look back to say : I
should have waited a little longer.

Don't give up yet will you?

Pretty surface

2010-05-09T21:54:00.000+08:00

Past hurts and dealing with them was the main topic of today's sermon. Hurts cannot be forgotten and put aside, at any point of time in life when it is triggered back, the same hurt surfaces once again.

Instead, hurts are meant to be healed by God. 3 main steps to go through :

1. Awareness

Be aware of past hurts. Acknowledge them

2. Express

There's nothing wrong to express emotions/anger. Tell God. Do something drastic if need to, have a hair cut, scribble on papers, scream in your pillow, seek council. But hurts should not be suppressed back into the treasure box because it'll just become worst.

3. Restoration

The most important part of dealing with past hurts. Total restoration comes from God and God only.

As the pastor was speaking, I could relate to so many areas. Certain phrases, like : every time when asked : How are you? The reply would always be : Im fine! The question is, how many times we are actually fine?

Another example would be, people with deep past hurts always play/pretend tough. All it takes is for them to drop a tear and the whole river follows. There's so much hidden and buried inside that is unsolved.

The result of unrestored part hurts leads to symptoms such as withdrawal from a certain topic, withdrawal from a particular crowd, avoidance of certain places, sometimes even physical symptoms like constant migraine.

I reach to you the one who makes the blind eyes see

Who breaks the chains of sickness with authority

Restoring what was broken

So it may fly again

I live to worship you

I breathe to worship you

All of my days Your face I will seek

For as I seek your face

You'll lead me to that place

Of divine exchange

Uncountable blessings

2010-05-08T20:36:00.000+08:00

Somehow just hit my mind, God has been tremendously good to me. All the monthly cramps has been happening on the weekends/holidays, never on working days. That is a huge blessing, considering the amount of cramps and discomforts to go through. :)

Friday

2010-05-07T06:43:00.000+08:00

:) Its good to know that the weekend is coming. Break from the weekday work routine.

Singapore

2010-05-04T19:15:00.000+08:00

significance

2010-05-04T09:02:00.000+08:00

God has made each one of us significant in his kingdom.

How timely it comes to me, to lift my spirit up. Been feeling low recently, with thoughts of how im incompatible. But i realise i was comparing myself to others, its good but i was putting on additional pressure on myself, to push gaining experience. Its a plus i have maybe, to be able to take pressure and to make pressure for myself to grow. But its also an even better if area for improvement. The best solution is when i learn how to keep a balance.

Break-ed

2010-04-26T12:48:00.000+08:00

Back from a long break, a long vacation. Learnt that life is not easy, but God is here to lead me.

I'll worship at your throne

Whisper my own love song

With all my heart I'll sing

To You my dad and king

With all my heart, profound yet simple. Things will not change overnight. But as i learn, i need to have faith that God is in control and God will lead me.

identity crisis

2010-04-20T12:37:00.000+08:00

Rebuke me for being negative, someone.

Its like a black hole sucking me in, telling me that im not good enough. Im not learning fast enough. Im not up to par.

And its tough to pace myself up, to buck up and pick up experiences much faster? How does that work?

I thought i needed a holiday, but it came and went, without much changes in my being.

Trying out a longer holiday, but somehow i know my expectations have been set a little too high of what a holiday can do to me.

Why didnt we feel tired and burnt out when we were studying and serving? I have the answer, but i dont know how to get back there.

And so im lost. once again.

Senses

2010-04-19T21:30:00.000+08:00

Thank you for knocking much sense into my tiny little feathered head.

Hold on to what is real.

Love never fails. Its true, believe in it and learn to love.

Walls are meant to be broken down.

Self protection but not self isolation

Im learning.

Thank you for your words of wisdom.

super sundae

2010-04-11T20:45:00.000+08:00

Walking into the sanctuary, watching a clip on "God You are Good" with black people singing it, i felt like breaking down. You black friends have taught me what it means to really worship, to let loose and just dance like the world is dancing with me. And i dont want to lose this freedom, but i seem to be loosing it. Big time.

I do wonder if leaving home to study, meeting people, encountering problems, maturing has all changed me to be a different person. But why is it this hard to open my mouth? Its as if, i have experienced all the good stuff, and i dont know how to share it. I dont know if i even want to share it. That's a selfish thinking huh. Those steep growing curves and experiences are too personal to be laughed at, and taken lightly. So i keep quiet.

Where do i head from here? Growth? I do wonder, if its necessary to share which stage of growth at so that people around can "tailor" to my growth needs? Is there a need to do so?

Super sundae left me, dazzled. Maybe im more confused on where i am. Or maybe im just zoning out because events doesnt give me the adrenaline pump anymore, its the substance that im interested in.

I think im growing up a little too fast.

memories

2010-04-10T18:41:00.000+08:00

When physical items that reminds us of past memories goes into the missing sea, does it indicate that it will not stir up past memories anymore?

deserving

2010-04-10T12:00:00.000+08:00

Is like about "actions and results"? If yes, then i wont be able to explain what i am having now. :) Thank god for all the blessings, and help me to stay on my feet putting my focus on you. :)

decisions

2010-04-07T22:09:00.000+08:00

Life is about making conscience decisions. Be it spending more hours in the office, or clocking out sharp just to spend more time with family. Its about making a decision knowing that there is always an opportunity cost trade off. The final question would be, which carries more worth?

2010-04-04T13:52:00.000+08:00

Feels kind of jittery. Will be back! Wait for me!

business

2010-04-04T07:37:00.000+08:00

Travelling alone makes me feel nervous, even if its not the first time im doing such.

:( i'll be back on tuesday night. Pray that i'll survive.

2010-04-03T07:30:00.000+08:00

In the working world, events brings people together. Once the event ends, its back to normal work life, with the daily peers. Thanks for being great team mates and sharing the same anxiety & comfort food together. :)

loved

2010-03-29T23:11:00.000+08:00

He came, with a back support piece for my back and a orangy red african daisy wrapped in white mahjong paper. One flower, just how i like it. :)

Im loved, i know. From the way he takes cares of me. When we're far apart and even more so when we meet up monthly. :)

Go and reach for your dreams. You know i'll be here waiting for your return.

2010-03-22T22:43:00.000+08:00

I've learnt that God's blessings always comes at the perfect time. I was so tired, physically, mentally, emotionally till i broke down. After the whole night of tears and sinking deeper and deeper into the black hole, Sunday turned out to be a real blessing, to have cell group, and a whole long meet up session with Sherine and Joel. :) Its good to be able to share my heart out and be myself.

Miss having friends that brings out the real me.

2010-03-16T22:14:00.000+08:00

fitting into the corporate world is an adult thing. i can turning 21 in the corporate world was steepest turning of age experience i have. For the better, i hope. Certain days pass as, wow, so that's the big picture that im suppose to learn? while certain days could be more to, lunch time! dinner time! As tough as it may seem, thank you for encouraging me to move on. I have learnt more about myself, but at the same time, thanking god for grounding the roots back in school and uni days.

Dreams are back, the familiar dreamland is back. :) How i wish i can capture the images and address of dreamland, to share with all others. Maybe it really is a place somewhere on this earth, since i keep dreaming about the same places over and over again.

2010-03-07T22:05:00.000+08:00

I miss. walking into church, with the liberty and freedom to sing and dance my heart out. Even if the notes are out of tune or in the wrong key. Even if my body is twisted and my legs are wobbly. Just to be able to let loose in the presence of God.

Loving every sincere worship session, where tears flow out of realisation and recognition that im loved.

Personal encounters were part of our prayers since high school. Not many can say, i know God's love. Simple yet deep and profound in its own manner. While many times, our lives changes our thoughts and guides the experience that we go through, its amazing to know that God remains the same throughout. Its the still small voice that is most impactful and most comforting to us all the time.

Sharing encounters may not be my forte, since its too personal and too close to the heart to be taken lightly by another party.

"You'll be forever mine"

Don't like

2010-02-27T19:48:00.000+08:00

As i grow older, the list of "don't likes" becomes longer and longer.

Some can be categorized as : work in progress, turning dont likes into likes

Others can be categorized as : i need someplace to hide. Anywhere.

Long weekend

2010-02-26T08:15:00.000+08:00

Simply love having long weekends packed with activities. :) Cos i know that i'll be having a great time. With family, friends, and in church.