waiting

sometimes we wait for something to happen
although we know that it never will happen
but deep down
we still hope
and hope and hope
that something will happen
but after waiting for sometime
you just know that its not possible
its not going to happen
and all the disappointment comes in
so why wait?
why put one's self in such situation?
i dont know
but im still waiting...

Mengejar HadirMu lyrics
by Giving My Best

Dekat padaMu itu rinduku
Setiap kataku Kau pun menunggu
Tak kusangka kutemukan satu kasih yang abadi
Kini kudatang dan kubawa hidupku

Memandang wajahMu
Mengikuti kebaikanMu
Mengejar hadirMu
dalam hidupku

Membawa sembahku
Menyatakan kebesaranMu
Mengejar hadirMu
dalam hidupku

Our Father
who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
and the power,
and the glory,
for ever and ever.
Amen.

smiles
who says going through tough times has to be bitter?
smiles
i know my god is with us
smiles
and he is in control
no matter what the outcome is
he will still be there

[11 for i know the plans i have for you
plans to prosper you and not to harm you
plans to give you hope and a future
12 then you will call upon me and come and pray to me
and i will listen to you
13 you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart
jeremiah 29:11-13]

ah!!!
can i scream?

struggle

struggling within one's self
internal conflict of wants
can it not happen?
is it ruining everything
or is it bringing it to a higher level?
yet can it really be happening?
living in disbelief
mental rejection of something that is not true
but its not not true
is it?
struggle
between giving in
and hanging on
how come sometimes knowing what to do and doing what is supposed seem to be so far apart
why is it so tough?
would the world be a easier place to live in if emotions did not exist?
i know how i feel
i know what im suppose to do
but the two doesnt seem to connect
i've tried to put the two together
its not working
i will always avoid one
choked within my thoughts
silence
speechless
not that i dont want to say anything
i do not know what to say
do not know how to solve it
do not know how to come to a conclusion

accountability

Main Entry: ac·count·abil·i·ty
Pronunciation: &-"kaun-t&-'bi-l&-tE
Function: noun
: the quality or state of being accountable; especially : an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions

sometimes we choose to be accountable for someone else
but sometimes we are expected to be acountable or responsible for something even though we didnt agree to it
forced to?
kind of
more of an obligation
you cannot say no
like how leaders are expected to be responsible for people under them
one small mistake that someone makes
the leader has to be the one responsible over it
no matter how innocent that person may be
leaders have to take into account every single action of their followers
so what if what their followers did was wrong?
what is the leader suppose to do?
so many other factors to take into consideration
like the reputation of the whole group
in my case
the whole course
what will people think of us
see now
im talking for US
not me
not a single person
big big consequences to face
are we up to the challenge?
to maintain our reputation and to know what we are doing
where is our conscience?
one small action can cause devastation
if it is only to the person
then its ok
after all
that person has to be responsible for his/her action
but if it affects the whole course
including people who are innocent
who is going to be accountable for this whole matter?

decisions

its funny how people are always put in a dilemma of making decisions
let not even go to making the right or wrong decision
sometimes the end result is neither right nor wrong
but the dilemma is in what to say
yes or no?
two small simple words that carries extremely solid meanings
you cannot say yes and no
no meaning
is it possible to want to say no but yes comes out?
or probably wanting to say yes but the answer is no?
complicating
that is probably why coins were created
so that when we do not know what to say
the coin is always there for us to flip
nah
thats depending fully on luck
not accurate
even if it is
our self deception of the situation has a strong hold on our mindset
how about depending on the situation to make a decision?
if the sun doesnt go down today, i will say yes
if my lecturer comes today, i will say no
if the shop opens and is selling my favourite dish, i will say yes
if my computer doesnt work properly i will say no
how much more ridiculous can that be?
the funniest part is how insecure humans can be some times
how when after we think we have made the decision
we tend to look around us for confirmation
for people to assure us
like if i toss a coins once
i want to toss it a second time to see whether is it really what i am suppose to do
or take plucking flower petals as an example
he loves me
he loves me not
he loves me
he loves me not
he loves me
he loves me not
for goodness sake
just ask him
dont continue to live in insecurity

still unable to put my thoughts in place
need more time to digest i think
im such a slow coach

signs?
exciting and scary...
its like what i have been praying for is coming true
the impossible i would say
how am i suppose to perceive it?
it wasnt exactly what i wanted..
as in what i must have in my life
but its more of my dreams...
what i wanted to do
what i wanted to happen in my life
and now its happening
its amazing
to see stuff i prayed for come true
at times when i least expect it
god is good
amen!!

compatibility

Main Entry: com·pat·i·ble
Pronunciation: k&m-'pa-t&-b&l
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Medieval Latin compatibilis, literally, sympathetic, from Late Latin compati
1 : capable of existing together in harmony

been thinking a lot about compatibility
how do people with different background live together
how come old people are so strongly against inter-race marriage
how come old people say that the rich and those from better off families should get married to people of that same category
what does it mean to be compatible?
be of the same standard?
same education background?
same financial background?
same religious background?
is it really that important to make a relationship work?
or will love be able to conquer it all?

David's position is desperate. He has only one precious asset : God's promise that he will be king. Although circumstances test his faith in that promise to the extreme, David learns to wait for God's timing.
-commentry on david in 1 samuel-

waiting for god's timing
interesting statement
a timely reminder for me
hold on strong to God's promise
never let it go
by faith
amen

stepping out

its time to step out from my comfort zone
have always been absorbing
like a sponge
maybe its because i've had amazing people in my life
who is willing to give and give and give
and me
its not that i have not been giving also
not as much as im suppose to
now its time to start giving
squeeze out whatever i have
to the people around me
by faith
do i have the capability to do so?
i really do not know
but if i dont try i wouldnt know
would i?
if god puts me in this situation
he'll give me the sufficient energy and wisdom to do so
even though sometimes i can be so so blur
haha
expect the unexpected from god
for he is a god of wonders
amen!!~

i am such a computer illiterate..haha
there is a trojan virus in my computer
detected yesterday
have absolutely no idea what to do about it
running scans and quarantine doesnt help much
because today the sign appeared again
a virus has been detected in your computer
action taken : unable to repair
hmmp....
maybe i should get someone to come over and check it out
worse come to worst i will send it back to the shop la

leave

is it hard to leave someone you know?
of course it is
but to what extend?
but leaving doesnt mean that its over
does it?
hanging on to whatever time there is left
appreciating every single precious moment left

i feel for them
for her and for him
for how much they will have to go through in the future
its not going to be easy
but it can be done
all the best my dears
may your love for each other hold you through the coming days

physical touch determines the depth of a relationship?
does holding hands means you are together?
what does that symbolize and what does not holding hands symbolize?
is there something more than that?
if being physical even holding hands is why people get into a relationship
i would rather not get into one
too shallow
no solid substance to keep it going

i have a second sickness.... first one was and is severe short term memory syndrome.. haha
being so very blur is because i really do not remember what i am suppose to remember... dont ask me what i had for breakfast yesterday... most likely i dont remember
even if i do... i would have taken ages to recall..haha.. and im only 17.... not good at all
now i have a second sickness
haha
lettting go syndrome
seems to be having this really hard time letting go of stuff... dont want to let go... i was listening to songs played randomly on my computer... and suddenly it started playing christmas songs.... haha.. i remember christmas night and my college life... suddenly turned so sentimental and nostalgic...
not good... i dont think ihave reached the stage of digesting where it all stays as memories.. not yet.. its still stuck somewhere between reality and accepting the fact that its all over
not good.. not good

13 is anyone of you in trouble?
he should pray
is anyone happy?
let him sing songs of praise
14 is anyone of you sick?
he should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with the oil in the name of the Lord
15 and the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well;
the Lord will raise him up
if he has sinned
he will be forgiven
16 therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed
the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective

james 5:13-16

my latest favourite passage from the bible
im not showing favoritism
its just that i think it really speaks to me now at this point of life
and it really encourages me and reminds me of the power of prayer once again
most of the time when i am so down
and so worried and so frustrated
i am reminded of the one great God i have
that i can always go to in prayer
and no matter how bad things may be or turn out to be
there is still peace that comes from God above
im so glad i have Him...

distance?

was walking to the restaurant today to dapao my dinner
i noticed the couple walking in front of me
the way they interacted was rather weird
the guy was walking next to the girl
and there was another girl with them
so its a 3 person walking along the road kind of thing
he was holding a file with his right hand
the file resting somewhere between his right elbow and his right wrist
and his girl
was somehow pulling his hand
wanting to talk to him
if im not mistaken
she had to tip toe to talk to him
to me, it looks like he didnt bother about her and her existance at all
and the poor girl
was trying so hard to get him to notice her
at least hold her hand
she was tugging at his hand
but nah
he didnt bother

got me thinking
distance?
some people can be so near physically
like them
yet so far
he had that ignorant, dont-disturb-me kind of look
but then
did he try caring for her?
or is she the desperate one?

physical distance does not determine anything
so what if they were standing so close to each other
yet
their souls and hearts were not linked together

yet for some people
although they think and claim they have met their soul mate
and jump straight into sex
even if they have only known each other for weeks
what does that distance indicate?

sex
a word that seems to be so much of a taboo
is a big issue that is arising here in university
its either all these while
my friends have been rather sane
or maybe i've never paid attention to this matter
now its put there right in my face
premarital sex seems something so random
a prove of love for some?
im disgusted
seriously totally utterly disgusted at their behaviour
sex is suppose to be something beautiful
but because its happening at the wrong time
out of the context of marriage
it is so wrong
so sinful

distance
what does it indicate?
nothing?

attended my first student rep committee meeting
its so so so formal and serious
haha.
really was an eye opener for me
was nominated as the sub committee as the person in charge of student social & safety
but i turned it down
i would like to get myself involved in cf more
spend my time and energy there
many other things that i want to accomplish when im still here in uni

busy busy me

today is going to be another long busy day
classes from 330 till 8
student rep comm meeting at 830
and when it ends
i have worship practice for tomorrow's cf
and i wonder where does the strength and stamina come from
interesting eh
i have to learn how to cope with all the busyness
cannot be distracted
haha
no time to be distracted also
thats something good =)

siaomeen is not that light after all
however flimsy and small she looks
its not true
she slept on her right hand last night
and now her hand hurts
the whole arm till her wrist
that proves that she is not as light as she looks
ouch
haha
she is going to play the guitar tonight for cg
how is she going to do that
she wonders

i realised im a very confused person

weaknesses becoming strength
my strength turns out to be my biggest weakness

sometimes i feel like just giving up sometimes
and just take the blame for all
after all i have nothing to lose
but
is it time for me to step up and not always take the blame?
ive been always the one who took the blame for so many things
the one who appears to be so strong and so hero like
but behind it all
all the tears that fell
is it better for me to take the blame
and everything else will be ok?

but now?
its not my fault
that i am really sure
but
should i be the black sheep?
would it be better?
i dont mind going through the whole thing of being blamed again
but should i?

chilled enough during the weekend
all geared up to fight through the week again
woke up with messages that contains tasks to be done
by the strength of God
i will be able to pull through this week
ive enjoyed my weekend though
now its the time to come back to reality
study
do assignments
do tutorial questions
hard work
no more playing and fooling around

bangga bodoh

bangga bodoh la
managed to keep his hands in his pockets for 9 whole hours...
thanks dude
i really appreciate it

i've been rather quiet these few days
the after effect of what happened?
the impact is stronger than what i expected
something missing
but at the same time something gained

bitterness and sweetness goes together?
pain and joy comes together too?
smile in my tears

[in love with the idea of being in love but not in love with the person]

someone said this to me
i have always been dreaming of being in love
always had my dream idea of how i am going to be swept off my feet
what the other person is going to do
my prince charming riding on his horse
and of course there is always going to be the fairy tale ending
every girl's dream?
i suppose i have achieved the first part of the statement
but the second part?
be in love with that person?
hmmp...
something for me to discover...
i will update this post when i find myself in love with someone

JORED

my guitar's name..
it originated from

JORED

JR - Jehovah Rohi House
RE - regina
ORE - loren and rowen
ED - edwin
D - dih haw

haha... interesting eh?

thanks for the guitar
for those who dont know
i took the guitar from JR house, dih haw removed the rusty strings for me..
and now jored has new strings that sounds so beautiful because its new

why so downcast o my soul

nah,i dont think its depression
its just a mood swing..
im a moody person
haha
maybe its because i am seeing more and more of my weaker side
its kind of shocking...
maybe its because of the stress
maybe its because of having to meet so many people
and not knowing the outcome
or maybe its just because of you
detaching..
that is something i have to learn also
i have to admit
ive gotten used to the closeness
and its a sudden change
although its for the better
but i need to get used to it?
it takes time

changes

changes happens
its only a matter of getting used to the change?
how true is that statement?
is i even able to get use to the changes?
2 months is the minimum time i need to adapt to that change
seriously
i havent gotten used to the fact that shawn is gone
how am i suppose to train myself to get use to changes in life?
so many different things happens each day
have i even got time to digest what happened on monday
i dont think so
its still hanging there
halfway
waiting for me to think through and digest
and get a conclusion perhaps

emo

emotions
how come we humans have emotions?
emotions
the core reason why we smile, laugh, love, cry, grieve
dealing with emotions is never easy
what about understanding it and conquering it?
is that even possible?
to understand what im feeling?
to understand what im going through?

I've been here grounded far too long
I'm ready to see the open wide
Ready to sing a different song
I've seen my troubles 'long the way
I want to sail towards the sun
I want to turn another page
I'm on my way

I'm ready to fly,
I'm ready to soar
I'm ready to leave this world behind.
I'm ready to open up the door
I'm ready to fly,
I'm ready to spread my wings across the sky
I think it's time
I'm ready to go
I'm ready to fly.

You've told me I could rise above
Like an eagle on the wind
I can glide upon Your love
But I feel the pull of gravity
And it's a weight upon my shoulders
i can't stay here any longer
I've gotta be free

And it's been so long
Since i've seen the bright morning sun
Through the early morning horizon
And it's been so long
Since i've felt the air under my wings
And seen all of these things from above

FFH - ready to fly

long long day today
so many things to do
so many people to see
time to dig out that small little weeny courage that i have in me
im afraid
not that strong as what people think i am
strength comes from god
wisdom comes from him too
looking up to him
waiting upon him

conflict

why is it sometimes
you can love someone so much
yet feel irritated by that person
maybe its just that sentimental gush

quietness

when the oceans rise and thunders roar
i will soar with you above the storm
father you are king above the flood
i will be still know you are god

dont know what to say
my lips are sealed with some kind of strong glue
not that i want to
but its just sealed
be still my soul
have faith

I know you’ve heard the stories
But they all sound too good to be true
You’ve heard about a place called home
But there doesn’t seem to be one for you
So one more night you cry yourself to sleep
And drift off to a distant dream

Where love takes you in and everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in

And somewhere while you’re sleeping
Someone else is dreaming too
Counting down the days until
They hold you close and say I love you
And like the rain that falls into the sea
In a moment what has been is lost in what will be

When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart

And this love will never let you go
There is nothing that could ever cause this love to lose its hold

When love takes you in everything changes
A miracle starts with the beat of a heart
When love takes you home and says you belong here
The loneliness ends and a new life begins
When love takes you in it takes you in for good
When love takes you in

classic

haha.... guys do fall for girls
the literal meaning of fall
i was walking back with my classmates today
one of them, this guy
saw the girl that he calls his 'lui san' [girl goddess]
and as he was talking to us and walking and looking at her
he walked straight into the car that was parked in front of him
bear in mind, a car is BIG and its stationery...haha
he tripped a little
haha, it would be funny if he really fell...
all the embarassment

air mata mengalir keluar
aku tertanya tanya
kenapa?
kenapa?
kenapa hatiku terasa pedas
sangat amat pedas
aku tidak dapat menahan air mataku
kepedihan dan kepedasan mesti aku luahkan
kenapa?
semua salah awak
tetapi
kenapa aku tidak sedar dari alam fantasiku
kenapa aku rela diseksa sebegini
kenapa aku rela menangis sebegini
aku tidak faham
langsung tidak faham
aku sepatutnya belajar dari kesilapan
belajar dari masa silamku
tetapi tidak
semua salah awak

freaking out

oh dear....
test is on sat
early in the morning at 8 am
means i have to be there at 745 am
and i havent finish studying what im suppose to be studying
finish studying is probably too strong of a 2 words
but ..
im not even half way?
oh dear
thats so far away...
study
study
must force myself to bury my head in my books

dont worry

[ dont worry about what will happen to me
dont worry about you tearing me up
dont worry about you not being the one
dont worry about you not caring enough for me
dont worry about you not giving enough attention to me

just hold on to what you think is right
hold on to what you think is best for now
hold on to what you have committed yourself into

maybe one day god will say
thank you for loving me
now its time for you to love someone and be loved in return
but even if god holds you back for himself
dont worry

if god says you can take care of her
i will say thank god
but if its no
im sure god is moulding me into the person he wants me to be ]

i love my printing guys...
thanks guys
i really appreciate your support
haha
and all your compliments
although you're all big and strong
but i think you all are really sweet
thanks guys

ah!!

my mistake
ah!!!
oh dear
what am i going to do
ah!!
thanks dad
thanks to all who prayed for me
i really appreciate it
thank you to all who were willing to listen to me too
thanks
ah!!

excitement

im checking out the website for HisChild INternational - Cambodia
spoke to uncle victor yesterday
he told me to check out the dates
confirm the dates with him
write out a formal letter to the church
and the church will pay part of my expenses
im excited
very excited
to know and just know
what i wanted to do so much
is what i get to do soon
to see everything fall into place
and to see my dream turn into reality
its amazing

monday blues

haha..
i think it has something to do with the word 'MONDAY'
blurness attack
notes to give out
people to meet
woke up late
haha
maybe thats why i was so in a rush
but
thank god
i've got my own comp
and there is streamyx
haha
means i will be able to access the net whenever i want

limits

what are limits?
man made rules?
to be obeyed by man?
what is the limit then?
who determines what is the limit?
who has the right to say 'stop it'?
why should we keep to the limit just because someone says so?
what is the boundary?
where is the line significe the limit?

im sorry
i dont mean to
its just that
dont start
it will tear you up
not me
and i dont want that to happen
dont destroy yourself
please
not now

character

a character of a person determines how he or she is going to behave
it cannot be changed
maybe only a little
some people are more to the bossy type
some are more dominant
some are timid
some are soft spoken
some talks without thinking
some tends to always control
some listens without saying no
some listens till they cannot bear it and blow up
some just dont bother at all
interesting personality and character makes the world interesting
the hard thing is probably to learn to love and accept people for who they are

heading home
after 2 weeks of being away from home
i miss home
not that much anymore compared to last time
maybe because im getting use to the environment here
thank god