im going on a date tomorrow...
hee..

things i want
things i need
things i have to do
things i have promised
priorities
but
but
but
i guess
its still
i dont know

can i say
i dont know?
i really dont know
im stuck
really stuck
how?

flash backs
of
words
people
things said
things i read
things i said
things i sounded so confident of
words i used
stuff i promised
hope i gave
disappointments i might give
the eyes of others
the way others might treat me
dreams
hopes
fears
all coming in at once

timing
there is always a time to do something
am i rushing?
am i pushing it too much?

the heart and the mind
is two seperate entities
sometimes
both goes along together
sometimes
it doesnt
but when it doesnt
thats when
a big
personal inner conflict happens
one says one thing
the other says another thing
so what is to be done?
to follow the mind
or to follow the heart?

the more i expect
the more i get disappointed
sometimes
without realising
i expect a lot from certain people
its my fault
how come i never learn that
no one is perfect
disappointment just sinks in so badly sometimes
why cant i just expect less?
what is wrong with me?

after all the zooming around
at the speed of the rocket
tiredness sinks in
too the extreme
but
i am constantly reminded
of the strength that comes from
no other but God
for without Him
where would i be
amazing huh
the supernatural strength
that sustains me
day by day
never failing
and that supernatural strength exceeds the physical strength
by the hundred or even thousand folds

falling a little bit sick..
i think
its the sick season

surprises
surprises
hugs

herbal chicken soup!!!

geliness
haha
but sweet altogether
but that doesnt take the geli part away

proposal + acceptance + consideration = deal

i feel so bad
and so guilty
life is just so precious
one blow
one crush
and its gone
just like that
no more second chance
im sorry
i am really sorry
i really didnt mean it
i didnt mean to do it on purpose
sorry
can you hear me?
im sorry
to your family members
im sorry too..
rest in peace mr snail...

1 step forward
1 step back
but its ok
look ahead
look beyond what is happening
look to what is going to happen
look to god

stomach cramps again
maybe its the food
maybe its my body
hmpp...

its like seeing my prayers coming true one by one
pray when we meet
the topics of discussion
the maturity in making decisions
the path that we choose to take
wow
prayers made since i was young
guidelines that i have set since i was a teen
and its becoming true
one by one
praise and glory be unto god..
amen

speak to both
not one
and god is awesome
same messages
go across to both
through same songs
sometimes
through different passages
but the same message
wow
i stand in awe

break the limitation set by the human mind
do not be afraid
i know you are afraid of the future
but do not be afraid
i am here with you

i think i freaked him out
had this sudden cold attack
was drinking water
enjoying the breeze
then he said i turned pale
really pale
and i know my head was spinning
the want to faint kind of feeling
oops..
me is weak
i know

have mercy on her
if she did something wrong
help her to be able to identify and repent
have grace on her
do not let her die
do not let me lose her
thank you for putting her in my life
commit her into your hands
in jesus name
amen

this is freaky
sudden cold shivers
dizziness
bad hair loss
and stomach cramps
see a doctor?
this never happened before
not before i went to cambodia
spiritual attack?
or is it my body giving way

im excited
hehe
giggles
laughs
smiles
im happy
grins
shows teeth

have to start studying...
been really busy.
know what i have to do
but ah..
spell it
l-a-z-y
or maybe its more like
l-a-t-e-r l-a
then it becomes
t-o-m-o-r-r-o-w l-a
then after that its
n-e-v-e-r-m-i-n-d l-a
oh no...

wedding bells chimming..
imagining the emotions of the bride and the bridegroom
our plan?
big wide smile

i walk by faith and not by sight
sometimes it seems to be so hard
to just leave things into God's hands
and let Him do what He wants to do
because that means breaking us down
in whatever ways is the best
and most of the time
we dont see the ending point
because we are so caught up with us
with what we think
with what we feel
that sometimes along the way
where God is moulding
we give up
because we forget what was our primary purpose
which is to do what He has planned for us

he asked her, "what if i die?"
he knew he might not have many days left to live.. all the days that he had, were all because of God's grace... Deep down in him, there is the fear of not waking up again, not being able to be there for her anymore, not being able to hear her voice that never fails to cheer him up and make his day.. he fear losing her.. but he knows that he has to convey the message to her.. she has a right to know.. and what she chooses to do with her life or with them after she knew.. that was up to her to decide. but he had to let her know his condition

it took him tons of courage to tell her, because he knew that her tears will drop.. for him... and when she cries... he feels the pain more than she does.. he wants to take it all away for her.. sometimes he says, let me be the one who is feeling all the pain, not her.. but now, its a big dilemma for him.. how long more will he be able to take away her pain? how long more can he be there for her? how long more can he be there to hold her hand? to loan his shoulder for her to cry on, rest on. how long more can he be there to hug her and tell her that is all going to be alright?

as for her, her mind paused at that question... deep down in her, she was shouting out loud... i cant live without you.. you cannot die.. you cannot leave me alone.. there are still many more things that we want to do together remember? so many more places to go, people to visit, so many more dreams to achieve together... but if you die.. it will all go to pieces... pieces that one day will be recollect by her again to be stored in a secure place in her heart..

if you die... i will cry... i will sob.. i will be heartbroken.. i will walk through all those places that has pieces of you in them.. i will go back to every single place we went together.. i will recollect back all the memories i have with you.. and keep them deep down in my heart... i love you...

i want to be there for you
can i?

its unavoidable huh?
after so many years of experiencing that some how similar situation
thats my conclusion
i think its more relevant here than at home
so what if im different
so what if i cant speak chinese as fluent as you do
so what if i cant speak other dialects like you do
its not that i cant
i think
i can
but i erm..
its not my first language
put it that way
so that is causing me to not fit in as much as i want to?
sigh
i suppose i just have to accept it
that i will not be really accepted by everyone huh
talk about biasesness
and i will always end up with my own clique of friends
who speak the language that i do
who uses the same kind of expression
well.
at least along those lines
did i try?
i did
i always do
and i still am
but if the results are that discouraging
should i even continue?

first day was a slight blunter...
blur me
copied the wrong time table
wrong time at least
haha
so i was all ready to go to the photostating shop
texted all my class reps
and then i had replies like
"eh, 130 or 1130?"
or "class starts at 12 leh, so how ar?"
oops... me bad
so it was a rush
rush
and more rush
zooming all around my house, the shop, the campus
but thank god
managed to get all things done on time
managed to pass messages that i needed to
managed to get people to do stuff
haha
so prayerfully it wouldnt be so busy after this week
and ohg
thank god for that bonding time
illegal gathering
haha
thank god that im slowly fitting in
=)
thats really important huh

disappointed
slighty a little more than a little
was building up to a climax
all the excitement
enticipation
preparation
then
pooh
no more
help me to trust that its god's will
help me to believe that its all for our good

i am tired
so very tired
tired till im not talking
judging on the amount of words
i have spoken since i came back from cambodia
today is really silent
almost totally silent
haha
can you tell how tired i am?
floating around
not able to walk in a straight line
this is not very good
used up all of my brain juice already
no more energy left to even talk
or do any other thing...

to choose what to do.
this or that?
or what?
dont do anything?
do everything?
do what i can?
what can i do?
what should i do?
yes or no?
agree or not to agree?
let go?
take control?
take things into my own hands?
settle things?
is it being kind?
or the other way around?
what will the effect be?
what will others think?
what will the consequences be?
am i prepared for it?
can i take it?
can i handle it?
can i take the tension?
can i take the stress?
am i that strong?
am i able to do it?
but what does God say?
what does He want?
from me?
from this whole issue?
from all those involved?
from all that is happening?
from all the lessons?
from all the hardships and persevearance?

why?
emotions all boiling up
dont know what to do
its like a knot
stuck just there in the middle
lost
not knowing what to do
i know i have to untie the knot
in order to free myself
but if i pull the wrong string,
the knot might just get tighter and tighter
and i might not be able to just untie it altogether at the end of the day
so which is the right string to pull?
how would i know the strength needed to pull that certain string
ah..
i dont know
i really dont know

back to where i am suppose to be
a bit excited
a bit scared
a bit nervous
a bit dont know what to expect
a bit afraid of the workload
a bit afraid of who to choose for assignments
a bit reluctant to go back to the study routine
a bit happy for having streamyx again
a bit of itchy fingers at seeing jored again
a bit of a bit
makes up bits of what i am
bits of what i feel
and bits of what i am going through
that makes up a whole bite of me?

what has gotten into me
so sorry
for all the commotion caused
im smiling now ya
thanks for being there
listening
comforting
i know
its hard when its far
but you are doing a great job
thumbs up for you
smiles