piles of books.

im heading for my first paper.

what has become of the church and religion? do we set standards so high that we classify certain behaviors as undespicable? are we looking down on people who we perceive as unholy or weird? have we forgotten that we are also part of this world and we are also only humans?

each religion has its own teaching. this i agree. but what gives humans the right to think that one is superior over another? a hidden silent thought could be much more dangerous then an intention made known to public.

is there something wrong with being verbal with thoughts? no. its perfectly alright. however, not accepts what is said. not everyone accepts a portrayed behavior. that itself is alright also. as long as the thin fine thread is not stepped on triggering an unintended catfight or so.

a wound. a cut. a sore blister. everyone had them once before. attitudes and thoughts are also part and parcel of life. live with it. admonish if necessary. pray alongside.

chocobee

+

mintchoco

i'm craving for mint and chocolate chips flavoured ice cream.

Papers

My first paper for my final exam starts tomorrow.

Have yet to feel the 'oh no I'm graduating' feeling. Weird case. Everyone's feeling it already. At least those that asked me what are my thoughts about leaving uni.

I feel so cold heart-ed for taking it just as another phase of life. Sometimes i think i grow up and grow cold too fast.

Back to studying. I find comfort in food. Tons of food. That explains the grow in size ever since i left home. back home, the food intake volume is more or less fixed at meals. Not much of in betweens to munch on. But staying out, freedom comes when its related to food. My appetite grew. Dating a big guy further encouraged eating more food.

Hopefully the exercise plan to go swimming as and when i can helps to trim down the noticeable excessive rounds around my tummy. not a pretty sight. mommy and daddy thinks i need to er. look for firm so that i dont look pudgy for interviews.

Talking about interviews. Upcoming interviews are right before my last paper and right after my last paper. all the rush in going for interviews was fun. the preparation, the last minute freak out, sweating and getting all nervous in the toilet. haha. random-nye. oh well, pray that god will open doors where his will is, and close those that is not in his plan. keeping my fingers crossed. God knows best after all.

dang. i still feel cold heart-ed. what is wrong with me?

siaomeen learned that not everything in life is important.

siaomeen learned that letting go of certain things to be where i am for love is more important than striving through earning money but leaving behind my loved ones.

siaomeen learned that its time to improve herself.

siaomeen learned that hearts are not meant to be broken.

siaomeen learned to seek first the kingdom of god.

Graduation

As we go on, we remember, all the times we had together. as our lives change, come whatever, we will still be friends forever.

As skeptical as i am about the chorus of the song, i still do believe in life long friends. just like friends i made in school, college. uni.

But at the same time, i’m aware that most of the time, its a situational circumstances environment that creates that acquaintance correspondence.

 

Come what may, as i graduate, what i will miss the most is the friends that i treasure. thank you for being a blessing to me.

Gum

Feeling sticky.

Really sticky.

Come and look for me so that i can stick to you.

=)

oozing sweetness

Dar dar came for a surprise dinner =)

Wasnt expecting it at all since i already met him during the weekends. Sweet. I like how he looks tough and macho on the outside but is all caring in the inside.

Since he’s on a tight schedule, he always has to squeeze time out for us. Just like when he was coming, he told me. Dinner only ya. I have to leave for Port Dickson after that. We went for dinner. Talked. Laughed. After some persuasion that i need my daily dose of fruits, we went dating in Mydin. haha. walked every single aisle to prolong dating time. =P

The walk in Mydin went on to getting chinese herbs to help soften the sexy voice i have been having since sat morning. which went on to getting stationeries. He kept looking at his watch. oh dear. As we were walking back to my place, we stopped by the cake uncle’s stall.

Dar ordered 2 slices of cake. Asked me but i said i didnt want. As we said our goodbyes at my door. He passed me one slice of cake saying. I know you will be hungry. for you =)

Ooozing sweetness. Thank you dardar! Happy 813 days!

requisition is a choice.

and so i chose not to.

Long Distance

Never have i ever imagine being so excited just for that one person.

It’s been almost 1 year since we went long distance. It has not been easy. in the beginning, his workload was not that heavy. we had meet ups once in 2 weeks, sometimes even every week. But as time went by, the meet ups lessened. Sometimes to once a month.

His work requires him to travel quite a fair bit. when he does, the time we have on the phone is cut down to a few serious minutes. Not the usual manja dose needed.

The toughest part is when there is the urge to want to cry on a shoulder or when there’s a need to have a heart to heart talk, and the other party is not physically available to be there to communicate. Or times when no matter how much time and effort we want to put in, being there for each other at that particular point of time is difficult, almost impossible.

However, it has been a great one year. Afterall, God has his plans and purpose for every single one of us huh. =) we have grown to be stronger. and more trusting in god as well as in each other.

And the meet ups are so precious, full of anticipations. Its like weeks and weeks of waiting just for that one meet up. *getting all bubbly thinking about it*

Exams & Notes

Its not easy to find that continuous motivation to study.

Neat handwriting and colorful notes makes me happier when i look at them. The plan is. Get my butt to sit in KFC so that my hands and brains will work together and hopefully digest some words.

Now that im getting well, that’s the plan. See if it works.

I LOST MY ID. BOO.

AND I DONT REMEMBER WHERE I PLACED IT

HOW LA AM I SUPPOSE TO TAKE MY EXAM SLIP?

OH DEAR. OH DEAR. OH DEAR.

Deep breath

Been sick for a long time. Was having quite high fever. around 38 degress plus minus. Missed the last few classes of my life perhaps. missed the last cf meeting specially meant for seniors. Was drowsy on medication. I wanted to go. Slept at 1. Thought that i would be able to wake up before 5 to go for the last meet up. But alas, when i opened my eyes. it was already passed 6.

Worst, it crossed my mind to hand in the soft copy of research project to both my supervisors. Long story, my original supervisor is away in Australia studying. So we have a different set of supervisors. Back to handing in our work. Sigh. I was away at camp and fell sick right after. No one reminded me. Boo. Boo.

Still am struggling to put in the journals that we used. Oh dear. Everytime I dig out work for research project. Its like a “Oh man, not another huge round of headache”. Sigh. Press on siaomeen. Press on. Just do what you need to do.

Not easy. Not easy for sure. Im glad its the last round.

Parting

separation is just another part of life.


When Shawn left us. I remember him singing Amazing Love. Today as we had our last CG, the song amazing love was sang again. It's true that separation is painful but at the end of the day, the love of God doesnt require us to separate from Him. And that is the greatest blessing.


IM DOWN WITH FEVER. BOO. it was as high as 38.7 degrees this morning. Thank god its slowly coming down. Taking med and monitoring. Pray pray pray that it is not dengue. caught a mozzy biting me that had white and black legs. Boo.

To you. You still look the same as charming as ever. But i know that we both changed. From that group of buddies that we were to strangers today.

I remember climbing over the more than 6 feet metal door so that we could lie on the beach. 4 of us in total. The retaining wall leading to the beach was around 2 meters high? the only way to get there in the middle of the night was to climb over the locked metal door. And we did. Haha. The guys were helping the girls to climb over. Climbing back from the beach to the resort compound was another tough round.

There were fisherman boats parked in the sand. The street lights were reflected on the shiny coat of pain at the boat’s body. We walked along the boats. Laughing, Talking. Kicking the sand as we walked. And we left the both of you to have some time alone. He said that your mom would probably laugh about it and say ‘the girl’s too young for you.’

From such a buddy, to when you showed your anger in front of me, to the day in the carpark when you made your decision known to me, to the day i cried and we both ran separate ways.

Memories.

To you.

For the times you made the effort to greet us in the canteen with “hey everyone” following with a special “hey siaomeen”without fail everyday when school was on.

For the times you would just randomly walk up to me just to tell me where you were even though it didnt have anything to do with me.

For that once outside Shakeys in SS2 when we were talking and he asked you if you had feelings for me and you smiled with a nod. That made me pay more attention to the hellos you said.

For being teased badly by friends just because you said that you had a crush on one of us and you gave hints to say it wasnt the other 2 girls they asked you. It was me.

For remembering who i was and even spelling my chinese name. Thinking back. It was so puppily lovish.

To you. Happy birthday.

Balance

I’m learning the balance between disclosure and keeping information to myself.

There are times when i feel like shouting my lungs out to tell everyone about my thoughts, emotions, happenings. But the appropriateness with the timing matters.

On the other hand, there are times when I just shut off to my surroundings, staying quiet and composed. Squeeze something out of me, nothing comes out.

The balance of knowing when to speak and when to keep quiet is a lifelong process i presume.

Malaysian Dreamgirl

This week’s episode, the girls make a trip to Royal Selangor for a photo shoot called Bella to show a fun, exciting, vibrant and cheeky side.

 

Juanita goes first. She has an extra long body and limps! So gorgeous! Natasha looked like a gold fish dying with bloated eyes. Its not that her eyes are not pretty.

But it requires more work for huge eyes girls to shoot. Just like Allison from ANTM. But Allison pulls it off really well. She squints a little to not scare ppl away with her huge eyes.

I’m still rooting for Dawn, who has been my personal favorite. I just love her dimples la. SO CUTE!!! She talks with a smile too. She’s leading the pack currently as the crowd favorite! way to go girl!

 

Quote from Pinky : Of course easy la! Wow. this tiny girl is getting bigger in personality from week to week. Did that have something to do with her boyfriend telling her to ooze some personality out so that people remember her? But its all in a good side. Her picture turned out classy and elegant. Elaine even said that she’s a pro.

Shasha : I think the photoshoot was ok la. Because im very colorful, very smelly smelly face (I think she meant smiley smiley). =P Shasha was struggling with the shoot. I thought she was selling shoes at first instead of the pendent by Royal Selangor. She started strong in the competition. But somehow, she’s just fading away for me. Don’t quite remember her face, looks or even personality. Elaine commended on her effort in laughing and smiling with her eyes, as what Tyra would say.

Ming was in a red dress. She looks good in red. Just like an oriental beauty. With her Chinese looking sepet eyes. Her photo looks like she’s lost in the light and glass. But elaine said that it was intended. oh? I like the way she talks because she has braces. =) reminds me of how i used to sound.

Denezia to me is the outspoken girl. She doesnt look and sound like she’s 17. I love her personality. cakap je what she feels. haha.

At the end of the day, the girls named by Elaine who nailed the shots were Shasha, Juanita, Dawn, actually all of them.

What do you say? Check out these episodes at Malaysian Dreamgirl!

Interview failed?

There are days when I just sloth away.

Attended a job interview this morning in Central Plaza. Interviews are nerve wrecking la. All was well. Even was called back for second interview straight after the first round. However, the manager in charge couldnt find time for the second interview and had to postpone it till next Monday. which i couldnt make it. oh dear. She’s so busy to the extend of not being able to spare an alternative time either earlier or later in the day, a different day in the week or even a different week.

In the end, the whole job application was called off. I guess its not meant to be. But its alright =) I’ll be attending another one on Monday. There’s still hope somehow.

Dad was telling me about my financial responsibilities to the family once i start earning my own money. Not easy. The amount I need to pitch in is not small too. Oh dear. Salary of RM 2 k working in KL, with transportation cost calculated in is somehow not enough to sustain the responsibilities i have. But I’m sure that God will provide somewhere some how. =)

Drained for the day. Didnt know that interviews were so exhausting.

Warmth

Preparation for Easter was not easy. I was down with fever the week before. And then there were the bad cramps days. all in all, with all the late night preparations, my body was stretched to the limit. way passed the limit. but i thank god for the in between warmth of people around me that somehow gave me the additional boost to continue pushing on and not giving up.

unexpected happenings to a hero.

just like the superman that fell from the horse and broke his back. does people still remember him as superman? maybe. but more will just remember him as the superman who broke his back. the downfall is remembered. not the heroic deeds.

human minds are skewed towards remembering negative feedbacks and negative stories.

i wish i could do something.
i wish i could prevent it.
i wish i could be there.
i wish someone did something.
i wish it never happened.
i wish there will not be any damage.

but its all too late.
the damage is done.
the image is tarnished.
the memories are scattered.

preventive measures.

destructive truth.

repetitive dreams.

life fulled with jokes even though its april fools day.

the irony is. the joke doesnt end there. it continues on. and it destroys.

26th =)