peek

saw a few droplets

peek again

as the fire died down
so did my drive, strive and attitude.
somehow, nothing seem to matter anymore.
no people. no work. no class. no exam. could bring me out of that slumber.

it was like a vacuum from the black hole sucking me in
and i was enjoying the gloominess in that black hole.
who was the one pulling me away?
i knew it was the enemy
but yet. i grew to be fond of the darkness.

as days went by,
i became cold. very cold.
and numb. very numb.
no tears. no sorrow. no hurt. no feelings.

i started to do things base on my own abilities.
intentionally forgetting that all previous records were god given.
as i fought on.
when i do achieve something.
i smile with glee and give credit to myself.
still intentionally forgetting that there is a god.

was life bad that way?
at that point, it wasnt.
i didnt care much. didnt bother much. didnt want to know much.

attitude changed.
although it was well hidden,
people close to me could feel the change.
somehow, the sense of responsibility was no longer there.
the urge to go for prayer meetings and church was no longer there.
the passion for the things of god was not there
to make things worst,
the passion for responsibility and work as a student was not there.

i pushed away what i could.
what i couldnt, i pretend to not care and not do.

it takes a large wake up call

to awake from the slumber

pray for me as i start on the journey to be the responsible me once again

End of next year. If it does happen, it will be a dream, a wish, a prayer come true.

(Many more parties to prove to. )

Another day, another milestone, another celebration, another mark of love.

Tears. Indicators of the fondness of the heart. Poured out on cheeks. Showing the compassion and love. The linkage. The connection of hearts.

2 people. Joining in a common action. Showing unity. Showing love.

happy 2 years

mr locks. mr locks.

why is it so that every time you appear in my dreams.

i get so confused?

im excited.

jumps around

jumps around again

jumps around again

oh dear.

im so excited

there is a time in life when people just give up. no matter it is about people they love or care about. but somehow, patience has it limits. 

just like how pick up lines works. its a matter of selecting the right time with the right sentence but most importantly, crossing fingers tightly to secretly hope that the girl will fall for the lines. but rather, its a matter of how selective is the randomness applied until it is workable. 

i remember when i was young. i used to hope and wish that things would get better. there was one particular square exercise book where i wrote all my wishes, thinking that after writing them down, things would get better. i remember every time the situation was back to square one, i would dig out that well hidden square boxed exercise book from the book shelf, read through all the previous wishes i had written, and with tears dripping down, i would add on another wish. still hoping that my wishes would come true. 

dont quite remember until when, after many years of reading and writing in my secret wishing book, i suddenly had the revelation that it was not going to happen. and i shouldnt have wasted the tears on them. because it was never going to happen. 

just like today. another reminder that the content in those wish list. was just the fantasy of a small girl who thought that a simple wish could change the whole scenario around. 

oh. i forget. you main aim to pretend that i never existed.

stupid enough of me to think that you will be surprised in a nice manner.

obsession.

landing. landed. 

but still am lost. 

focus point : people. work

intended : god

23 months and 11 days. =)

he. popped up. at my place. from no where.

BIG HUGE SURPRISE for me.

considering his busy work schedule.

had great amount of face to face talks. his company. the jokes and laughter. the tears. the support. the food.

im liking my new hair style. he cut my fringe for me too. =)

its funny how. when i decide to stand up. get away from the negative

and then

splat. something else falls on me.

oh dear.

i need strength.

note to self - dont give up. dont give up.

retreating back into the shell

maybe its just another quiet day.

a moving trend of. weight gainers.

assimilates into a common laugh about topic.

age is catching up i see.

=P

different smells. different emotions. different heartbeats. each play an important role in the upbringing.

today is a recollection day.

time to pick up my boots.
kick the negative thoughts away.

the first step is needed to.
be motivated.
stay positive.
and move on with life to the fullest.

i've learned that depression is a choice. not a destined path.

reminiscing the feelings. the upbringing.

life is short and very fragile.

seeing the struggles of growing up.

the change of circle of friends

having intentions to start dancing again

time to lose the flabs

far away from him

counting down to new year

typing away for tomorrow's supervisor meeting

miss my college peeps. =P

i learned to let go. of what i cannot control. and let god take control.


that's still the best huh.

there is always a struggle between how much of a christian to be and the matter of survival

im lost in the struggle again.

on one hand. the frustration builds up. and the blame just somehow shoots around at everyone. maybe if everyone pitched in and we're still stuck at this level its pretty bearable. to add on, there is the continuous comparison on performance. the issue is, if the fear was anticipated and if there was this spirit of comparing, on what basis is the effort missing? im alright if others claim the credit. but im not alright with slacking attitude and yet feeling inferior.

but on the other hand. the religion matters pops up. what am i going to do with this frustration? vent it tell it out and get over it? or make another huge issue with it? be selfish? be arrogant? advises are not quite heading the religion way as much as i would like it to be. but then and again. what is my stand?

i dont know. i really dont know. someone bring me away off to a wonderful holiday. even if its for a day. i'll be greatful. just to take my mnd off this stress.

stepped out to see a different perspective of life

but when i step back into that circle, the courage and the boldness disappears

to speak or not of what i foresee?