my maggi mee

"eh, my maggi mee. my maggi mee, my maggi mee, my maggi mee"

"That's not me ;("

new name again. my maggi mee. 

scoliosis

My thoughts. 

It must have been really painful for a dancer to realise she cant bend anymore, left right front back. Maybe it doesnt take a dancer to feel the distraught. Any normal human losing the ability to bend freely will suddenly realise that movements shouldnt have been taken forgranted. 

Started on physiotherapy sessions, to strengthen the back muscles. Into day 2 now, whole back is really sore. Could be the acids formed, showing how weak my back is. 

Didnt expect the scoliosis to be this serious. Its at 41 degrees now. Only medical option is to have corrective surgery. And also to take real good care of the back. No more bending, no more carrying heavy objects. No more slouching. Translates to a lot of things i could have done easily. Like bending down to take something from the floor, or carrying my books around. Or walking hours with dar. 

Looking ahead into months to come, its more of a physical and mental preparation for the operation. And then its another round of physical and mental preparation of life after that. Its not going to be the same. But i just have to make full use of what i have. 

At least right now, i can still say, thank god for the years of opportunity to dance. :) I really enjoyed them. 

Emotions are strong, But am keeping them till. The shoulders to cry on comes to me again sometime beginning of next month. 

black and white boys

looking cool. :) 2 out of 3 of my fav boys.

Here's the other 1. in black.

Going for hospital checkups makes me think. Learning to translate thoughts into words. 

Not so good news is, scoliosis got worst. and i should seriously consider corrective surgery soon. 

When im old n wrinkley with old spots on my hands, short greyish hair,
wobbly legs. It'll be a blessing to still have u next to me holding my
hands.

Doctor's

I used to be very afraid of the doctors. The antibiotics, the blue surgical gloves. Phobia started with frequent visits to the dentist due to braces. Having to walk up the stairs to a indoor balcony like second floor overlooking the waiting crowd down at ground floor was a nightmare. Not to mention sitting on the red banquet chair arranged 3 by 3 outside the orthodontics clinic. My heart used to pound so hard against my ribcage till i could hear them in my ears. 

As i went off to study, seeing the doctors was a luxury. Often sickness could be self diagnosed, with self prescribed medication. I have to thank my mom for that. But ever since i started working, seeing the doctors is still a luxury, as i get to flash an orange card, and all is paid for. 

This friday's appointmentS is going to be different. First, it'll determine if sclerosis is getting worst and needs further medical attention, ie surgery. Then there is the dermatologist. I dont want to go on hormon pills.

Miracle

This morning was a tensed morning. Mind was fully occupied with presentation. presentation. The big difference with studying, this time cannot goreng. Everyone in the room probably knew more than i did, and yet i still had to present with confidence. or at least attempt to show that im confident. 

First, the laptop was out of order. That took 25 mins to set the conference call up again. Then after the first part of presentation, the rest took the stage and, that took up another whole chunk of time. By the time the mic came back to me, i gladly flew through what i had prepared. 

:) Amazing day of how God brought me through the fears. 

And, i managed to clock out on time today :) Another blessing for day. 

Oh NO! Its another round of presentation tomorrow morning. 

Everyone likes it when its present to impress, but when knowing the end result may differ, its scary. 

Dreams

I am reminded today that dreams are made by God. Long forgotten dreams are brought back to mind. Reminding me that dreams are made by God, so is hope and faith. All i need to do is wait. 

Drive. I figured if im determined to at least float along, i wont drown. Being a fighter in situations that are not my first love is not easy. 

Its a saturday morning. bliss. :) no work, no early mornings, no waking up early, no rush to wash and dry my hair, no early wake up calls. I love saturday mornings :) 

Have reached a plateau for the past 4 months. Record breaking effort to self improve. 

But it comes back to square one haunting me in the face saying "You're stupid"

Dont think i have what it takes to continue fighting on anymore. 

Pulling through being composed in front of a crowd that is taking every opportunity to ask questions that i dont have the answers to. is just a miracle. 

Each passing day is a miracle. With the amount of dedication and brain juice required, its no joke. 

But as each day closes, im reminded once again of God's mercy and grace. And im surrounded once again by my loved ones. And im learning how to look back at the day and say. Im satisfied with my life. 

Its a learning process to grumble less and to appreciate the small items that God place in our lives to continously motivate me. I want to reach there. :) 

And i now have a goal!!!! er. should i say. we have a goal to reach. a very exciting goal to reach. 

His eyes contained the softness, the gentleness the care that i was so used to seeing. 

"Its all yours to keep" was all he said. 

Memories flashed back to, each of the moments, the glances, the note exchanges, the compilations of daily happenings, the dubdaks of calling. 

It all came back to that same look. The look that i felt all lost gazing into it. 

"Its all mine to keep?" The gifts, the tangibles. But most of it were the memories that i tried so hard to get rid off. It was not suppose to come back. It was suppose to be just locked away. Like it never happened. But seeing him, reminded me time and again that no matter how far i go, it formed who i am today.

Perhaps one of my new year's resolutions would be to regather everything and go through them one by one again. This time, not with tears but rather, with a smile to say, "Its all mine to keep" 

The small little joys of life sustains the whole essence of routine and monotonous days. 

Just like how im reminded to count the milestones of each year and reflect on god's goodness. I shouldnt let the routine daily work. or the magnet pulling down factor affect how and what i think about life. 

Work is work. and it should be separated from what life is. =) trying hard to do so. The sense of responsibility that it instills doesnt justify the amount of life that i should be having. But im learning to work around it. And hopefully step out victoriously. 

The past 6 months has been the fastest time of my life. Its zooped past even faster than studying. The job itself drains out time, but i guess it also could be the constant wait till each monthly meet up. Sometimes i forget that just before the past 6 months, i was still there in sg long, attending kajang church, cooking pasta to sell, pillow talking with housemates as often as we could. out for shopping and food. It was fun. busy but yet fulfilling. That's my goal for now perhaps? Search for fulfillment. 

Next up, AV for watch night service. =) Look forward a lot more to going out to church at nights. 

And. I spoke to him after a long time. On the surface, nothing much has changed. The first Sunday i saw him, i saw his back from 5 cars away. and i knew it was him. Cant quite describe the feeling. But yet at the same time, his words kept stinging in my mind. I thought he was gone, for good out of my life. The reoccurance, is bittersweet. 

Merry christmas. I feel like i've grown out of Christmas. and im only 21. 

Im proud of myself for, stepping out and asking if i could help out with the AV crew. =) and now im in. Yay! 

Everyone else at home is down with the flu now. Missed dance prac today because i accompanied all 3 of them to the hospital. Dad and kern is more to throat infection. Mom's is more serious, viral infection = more med to take. ( I had 2 doses of antibiotics to get well, over a time span of 4 weeks)

Went back to Raub for cousin aunt's wedding dinner. Good food. Poor parents couldnt really enjoy it. 

New year is up next and i get to spend it with him :) Looking forward to celebrating 35 months together. 

And i wont be defeated by what the circumstances puts me in. Going through the same questions every time does not help. Putting them aside, its not what i can control. let's just leave it as just a dream full stop. 

i need FOOD!!! sick for the past 3 weeks with flu and more flu and more flu. By last week, everything cleared up, i was jubilant! until i went for 2 wedding dinners in a row, and it all came back again. even stronger and more painful. boo.

Its day number 3 of flu round 3. and somehow the whole trachea shows no signs of clearing up. non stop coughs and reoccurring sore throat. and worst of all, no proper food intake for 4 days in a row! Ah, shoot me. i need food!!! how am i suppose to recover eating just bread and more bread, that's if i buy them. if i dont, dont want to imagine.

This cannot be linked to a chance to lose weight!!! weight management issues has nothing to do with needing food.

Somebody feed me!

Lost dreams

I miss having a diary, writing down the most intimate feelings I have in it. As time went pass, the source of recording changed from a pen and a book to him. The dependency shifted from me to him. Contrary to many beliefs, feelings were shared and discussed. I liked it the way it was. But to have feelings shared, with limitations to actions to be taken due to the distance, it defeats the purpose of sharing feelings, or circumstances, or needs.

I do believe in a time for everything. Just like how a professional photographer is paid to capture the moment. There are moments in life that needs to go through a fast capture lens. Click click click. And it ends there. Any second later would have missed the action at that time.

Being this sick for this long, it’s not fun. 3 mc’s in 3 weeks. I feel like I’ve neglected work. That’s another area to be shared at another point. Coughing with serious flu and sore throat, gives me time to think and to do things for myself. It’s good to take a break, never really did since 6 months back when work started. Im 21. It suppose to be the peak of a person’s life, achieving dreams. How can it be or since when my dreams are linked to him? And its not achievable at this point of time. I need to find my own dream, I need to recollect what I wanted. When did I lose it?

i've just got to face the fact that it is not going to be like what i hoped it will be.

not for now at least.

its already. i dont care. i cant do anything. so why bother. why push.

i need to also face the fact that its out of my control.

recap

Internet's back! Hurray to having P1 and also a monthly income to support. =) I must say, these 5 months passed real quick, surviving on hour to hour deadlines, having to speak out my mind when situation gets out of hand. Putting time management into real practice. and also a few late nights in office. Work like sitting in a roller coaster has no end to it but the trills are enough to keep the energy pumping. Im glad im still saying this after 5 months.

Learnt that maturity is a gift that comes with experience and perhaps exposure. Eyes that see, and mind that digest.

I miss hanging out with people. Learnt that, it takes my own initiative to hang on and not wait till someone offers and only i decide whether to hop on or to wait for the next ride.

Long distance is still long distance, once or twice a month meet ups. Liking it a lot that family is accepting him much more than before. That's a good sign. Plans are in place, i hope.