remember?

I dont like how childhood memories are brought back. 

you dont understand me

Commonly enough we hear : You dont understand me. This is not the matter, its just a major trigger point. You never try to understand the underlying problem. 

Exhausted. Emotionally, physically. Prompting of "i dont like" feelings. But im learning that its part of growing up. As kids, "i dont like" can be translated into, you dont? Let me take it away from you. Growing up is not about taking away the "i dont likes". But rather, its dealing face front with the issues that happens. Not running away but taking courage to stand right in front of it and say "i dont care what it takes, i may not like you but im going to love you anyway"

What's our stand on love? Having double stands is not love. Having fear is not love. For perfect love drives out fear. That's what im looking for, and i know that there's only one solution point to having this perfect love that drives out all fears. How powerful this love is. 

small fries

I like observing. Being laid back. Looking at people. Register each movement, action, facial expression. Its through observation, we learn.

Maturing is like a whole new concept to me. The more i think and try to decipher, the more im unable to get an answer. What is mature? What can be done to lead to maturity? Sangat subjective.

Had a blast with uni peeps. I feel old. We're all growing old. The age numbers gets bigger and bigger. So fast. I miss our younger days.

And. I'll be spending time with him this weekend!! after such a long time apart. Im excited :)

weekend!!

IM home!. couldnt be happier than indulging chocolate mint ice cream straight from the tub. :) reward for being patient enough to stay till so late in office and finishing up my work. 

Glad that i still have a job. Sudden Performance Efficiency drives are not healthy for the mind and soul. Jaw drops and food intake increases. 

You should have

Many times we say. I should have done this earlier. You should have done this earlier. If you did, it would have saved me time, efforts.... 

It takes more than realization after an experience to be able to go around the should have questions. For someone who can foresee the next few near consequences, its takes a lot of experience and falls. 

But then again, i look up with people with this sort of leadership/preemption talent. Its more of a gift i think. 

my maggi mee

"eh, my maggi mee. my maggi mee, my maggi mee, my maggi mee"

"That's not me ;("

new name again. my maggi mee. 

scoliosis

My thoughts. 

It must have been really painful for a dancer to realise she cant bend anymore, left right front back. Maybe it doesnt take a dancer to feel the distraught. Any normal human losing the ability to bend freely will suddenly realise that movements shouldnt have been taken forgranted. 

Started on physiotherapy sessions, to strengthen the back muscles. Into day 2 now, whole back is really sore. Could be the acids formed, showing how weak my back is. 

Didnt expect the scoliosis to be this serious. Its at 41 degrees now. Only medical option is to have corrective surgery. And also to take real good care of the back. No more bending, no more carrying heavy objects. No more slouching. Translates to a lot of things i could have done easily. Like bending down to take something from the floor, or carrying my books around. Or walking hours with dar. 

Looking ahead into months to come, its more of a physical and mental preparation for the operation. And then its another round of physical and mental preparation of life after that. Its not going to be the same. But i just have to make full use of what i have. 

At least right now, i can still say, thank god for the years of opportunity to dance. :) I really enjoyed them. 

Emotions are strong, But am keeping them till. The shoulders to cry on comes to me again sometime beginning of next month. 

black and white boys

looking cool. :) 2 out of 3 of my fav boys.

Here's the other 1. in black.

Going for hospital checkups makes me think. Learning to translate thoughts into words. 

Not so good news is, scoliosis got worst. and i should seriously consider corrective surgery soon. 

When im old n wrinkley with old spots on my hands, short greyish hair,
wobbly legs. It'll be a blessing to still have u next to me holding my
hands.

Doctor's

I used to be very afraid of the doctors. The antibiotics, the blue surgical gloves. Phobia started with frequent visits to the dentist due to braces. Having to walk up the stairs to a indoor balcony like second floor overlooking the waiting crowd down at ground floor was a nightmare. Not to mention sitting on the red banquet chair arranged 3 by 3 outside the orthodontics clinic. My heart used to pound so hard against my ribcage till i could hear them in my ears. 

As i went off to study, seeing the doctors was a luxury. Often sickness could be self diagnosed, with self prescribed medication. I have to thank my mom for that. But ever since i started working, seeing the doctors is still a luxury, as i get to flash an orange card, and all is paid for. 

This friday's appointmentS is going to be different. First, it'll determine if sclerosis is getting worst and needs further medical attention, ie surgery. Then there is the dermatologist. I dont want to go on hormon pills.

Miracle

This morning was a tensed morning. Mind was fully occupied with presentation. presentation. The big difference with studying, this time cannot goreng. Everyone in the room probably knew more than i did, and yet i still had to present with confidence. or at least attempt to show that im confident. 

First, the laptop was out of order. That took 25 mins to set the conference call up again. Then after the first part of presentation, the rest took the stage and, that took up another whole chunk of time. By the time the mic came back to me, i gladly flew through what i had prepared. 

:) Amazing day of how God brought me through the fears. 

And, i managed to clock out on time today :) Another blessing for day. 

Oh NO! Its another round of presentation tomorrow morning. 

Everyone likes it when its present to impress, but when knowing the end result may differ, its scary. 

Dreams

I am reminded today that dreams are made by God. Long forgotten dreams are brought back to mind. Reminding me that dreams are made by God, so is hope and faith. All i need to do is wait. 

Drive. I figured if im determined to at least float along, i wont drown. Being a fighter in situations that are not my first love is not easy. 

Its a saturday morning. bliss. :) no work, no early mornings, no waking up early, no rush to wash and dry my hair, no early wake up calls. I love saturday mornings :) 

Have reached a plateau for the past 4 months. Record breaking effort to self improve. 

But it comes back to square one haunting me in the face saying "You're stupid"

Dont think i have what it takes to continue fighting on anymore. 

Pulling through being composed in front of a crowd that is taking every opportunity to ask questions that i dont have the answers to. is just a miracle. 

Each passing day is a miracle. With the amount of dedication and brain juice required, its no joke. 

But as each day closes, im reminded once again of God's mercy and grace. And im surrounded once again by my loved ones. And im learning how to look back at the day and say. Im satisfied with my life. 

Its a learning process to grumble less and to appreciate the small items that God place in our lives to continously motivate me. I want to reach there. :) 

And i now have a goal!!!! er. should i say. we have a goal to reach. a very exciting goal to reach. 

His eyes contained the softness, the gentleness the care that i was so used to seeing. 

"Its all yours to keep" was all he said. 

Memories flashed back to, each of the moments, the glances, the note exchanges, the compilations of daily happenings, the dubdaks of calling. 

It all came back to that same look. The look that i felt all lost gazing into it. 

"Its all mine to keep?" The gifts, the tangibles. But most of it were the memories that i tried so hard to get rid off. It was not suppose to come back. It was suppose to be just locked away. Like it never happened. But seeing him, reminded me time and again that no matter how far i go, it formed who i am today.

Perhaps one of my new year's resolutions would be to regather everything and go through them one by one again. This time, not with tears but rather, with a smile to say, "Its all mine to keep" 

The small little joys of life sustains the whole essence of routine and monotonous days. 

Just like how im reminded to count the milestones of each year and reflect on god's goodness. I shouldnt let the routine daily work. or the magnet pulling down factor affect how and what i think about life. 

Work is work. and it should be separated from what life is. =) trying hard to do so. The sense of responsibility that it instills doesnt justify the amount of life that i should be having. But im learning to work around it. And hopefully step out victoriously. 

The past 6 months has been the fastest time of my life. Its zooped past even faster than studying. The job itself drains out time, but i guess it also could be the constant wait till each monthly meet up. Sometimes i forget that just before the past 6 months, i was still there in sg long, attending kajang church, cooking pasta to sell, pillow talking with housemates as often as we could. out for shopping and food. It was fun. busy but yet fulfilling. That's my goal for now perhaps? Search for fulfillment. 

Next up, AV for watch night service. =) Look forward a lot more to going out to church at nights. 

And. I spoke to him after a long time. On the surface, nothing much has changed. The first Sunday i saw him, i saw his back from 5 cars away. and i knew it was him. Cant quite describe the feeling. But yet at the same time, his words kept stinging in my mind. I thought he was gone, for good out of my life. The reoccurance, is bittersweet. 

Merry christmas. I feel like i've grown out of Christmas. and im only 21. 

Im proud of myself for, stepping out and asking if i could help out with the AV crew. =) and now im in. Yay! 

Everyone else at home is down with the flu now. Missed dance prac today because i accompanied all 3 of them to the hospital. Dad and kern is more to throat infection. Mom's is more serious, viral infection = more med to take. ( I had 2 doses of antibiotics to get well, over a time span of 4 weeks)

Went back to Raub for cousin aunt's wedding dinner. Good food. Poor parents couldnt really enjoy it. 

New year is up next and i get to spend it with him :) Looking forward to celebrating 35 months together.