I'll take any shoulder. 

I just need a place to let the tears flow. 

Common questions. Awkward answers. Awkward silence.

I cant speak for u.

Do u trust me?

Im still here.

Until i convince myself, it'll remain a dream. And i dont want to wake up. Even if its a nightmare. I dont want to wake up. Because i fear once i wake up, the dream is gone. Forever.

I wish i can give up everything, for love.

The longer it is, the more uncertainties hold us back, the further we
seem to drift apart.

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

And still I dream he'd come to me
That we would live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I don't want to jump in the boat and years down look back to say : I
should have waited a little longer.

Don't give up yet will you?

I wish i can give up everything, for love.

The longer it is, the more uncertainties hold us back, the further we
seem to drift apart.

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

And still I dream he'd come to me
That we would live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I don't want to jump in the boat and years down look back to say : I
should have waited a little longer.

Don't give up yet will you?

Pretty surface

Past hurts and dealing with them was the main topic of today's sermon. Hurts cannot be forgotten and put aside, at any point of time in life when it is triggered back, the same hurt surfaces once again. 

Instead, hurts are meant to be healed by God. 3 main steps to go through : 

1. Awareness

Be aware of past hurts. Acknowledge them 

2. Express

There's nothing wrong to express emotions/anger. Tell God. Do something drastic if need to, have a hair cut, scribble on papers, scream in your pillow, seek council. But hurts should not be suppressed back into the treasure box because it'll just become worst. 

3. Restoration

The most important part of dealing with past hurts. Total restoration comes from God and God only. 

As the pastor was speaking, I could relate to so many areas. Certain phrases, like : every time when asked : How are you? The reply would always be : Im fine! The question is, how many times we are actually fine? 

Another example would be, people with deep past hurts always play/pretend tough. All it takes is for them to drop a tear and the whole river follows. There's so much hidden and buried inside that is unsolved. 

The result of unrestored part hurts leads to symptoms such as withdrawal from a certain topic, withdrawal from a particular crowd, avoidance of certain places, sometimes even physical symptoms like constant migraine. 

I reach to you the one who makes the blind eyes see

Who breaks the chains of sickness with authority

Restoring what was broken

So it may fly again

I live to worship you

I breathe to worship you

All of my days Your face I will seek

For as I seek your face

You'll lead me to that place

Of divine exchange

Uncountable blessings

Somehow just hit my mind, God has been tremendously good to me. All the monthly cramps has been happening on the weekends/holidays, never on working days. That is a huge blessing, considering the amount of cramps and discomforts to go through. :)

Friday

:) Its good to know that the weekend is coming. Break from the weekday work routine. 

Singapore

significance

God has made each one of us significant in his kingdom. 

How timely it comes to me, to lift my spirit up. Been feeling low recently, with thoughts of how im incompatible. But i realise i was comparing myself to others, its good but i was putting on additional pressure on myself, to push gaining experience. Its a plus i have maybe, to be able to take pressure and to make pressure for myself to grow. But its also an even better if area for improvement. The best solution is when i learn how to keep a balance. 

Break-ed

Back from a long break, a long vacation. Learnt that life is not easy, but God is here to lead me. 

I'll worship at your throne

Whisper my own love song

With all my heart I'll sing

To You my dad and king

With all my heart, profound yet simple. Things will not change overnight. But as i learn, i need to have faith that God is in control and God will lead me.

identity crisis

Rebuke me for being negative, someone.

Its like a black hole sucking me in, telling me that im not good enough. Im not learning fast enough. Im not up to par. 

And its tough to pace myself up, to buck up and pick up experiences much faster? How does that work? 

I thought i needed a holiday, but it came and went, without much changes in my being. 

Trying out a longer holiday, but somehow i know my expectations have been set a little too high of what a holiday can do to me. 

Why didnt we feel tired and burnt out when we were studying and serving? I have the answer, but i dont know how to get back there. 

And so im lost. once again.

Senses

Thank you for knocking much sense into my tiny little feathered head. 

Hold on to what is real. 

Love never fails. Its true, believe in it and learn to love. 

Walls are meant to be broken down. 

Self protection but not self isolation

Im learning. 

Thank you for your words of wisdom. 

super sundae

Walking into the sanctuary, watching a clip on "God You are Good" with black people singing it, i felt like breaking down. You black friends have taught me what it means to really worship, to let loose and just dance like the world is dancing with me. And i dont want to lose this freedom, but i seem to be loosing it. Big time. 

I do wonder if leaving home to study, meeting people, encountering problems, maturing has all changed me to be a different person. But why is it this hard to open my mouth? Its as if, i have experienced all the good stuff, and i dont know how to share it. I dont know if i even want to share it. That's a selfish thinking huh. Those steep growing curves and experiences are too personal to be laughed at, and taken lightly. So i keep quiet. 

Where do i head from here? Growth? I do wonder, if its necessary to share which stage of growth at so that people around can "tailor" to my growth needs? Is there a need to do so? 

Super sundae left me, dazzled. Maybe im more confused on where i am. Or maybe im just zoning out because events doesnt give me the adrenaline pump anymore, its the substance that im interested in. 

I think im growing up a little too fast. 

memories

When physical items that reminds us of past memories goes into the missing sea, does it indicate that it will not stir up past memories anymore?

deserving

Is like about "actions and results"? If yes, then i wont be able to explain what i am having now. :) Thank god for all the blessings, and help me to stay on my feet putting my focus on you. :)

decisions

Life is about making conscience decisions. Be it spending more hours in the office, or clocking out sharp just to spend more time with family. Its about making a decision knowing that there is always an opportunity cost trade off. The final question would be, which carries more worth? 

Feels kind of jittery. Will be back! Wait for me!

business

Travelling alone makes me feel nervous, even if its not the first time im doing such. 

:( i'll be back on tuesday night. Pray that i'll survive. 

In the working world, events brings people together. Once the event ends, its back to normal work life, with the daily peers. Thanks for being great team mates and sharing the same anxiety & comfort food together. :)