standing behind the tainted glass
peeping in to the once belonged place
was it the people? was it the structure?
somehow it all faded away

is it all about pleasing men
or reaching man's expectations
the point is lost

the fixed norm of behavior
with no excuse for wanting to be behind the stained glass
becomes an invisible dominating force
that leads to cold plastic hearts

stand outside and watch
rather than be part of what's in
at least there is the warmth from the sun out there.

siaomeen misses the table corner to lean my head on

and the sofa right opposite me

with the person who

spends hours looking at me

thinking that i dont know he's looking at me

=)

self build or result of consequences.

it doesnt quite concern me

retreat back into the cozy shell.

locked. sealed.

siaomeen is liking the silence more than the noise.

siaomeen doesnt like cramps that feels like my whole inner body is being scraped out slowly but surely.

when everything is well and climbing up the scale real well
something has to happen to bring the whole thing down again huh

slow reaction

knowing me?

as it slowly sink in that.

nothing is as innocent as it seems.

it hurts.

badly.

Fly me to the moon
Let me sing among those stars
Let me see what spring is like
On jupiter and mars

In other words, hold my hand
In other words, baby kiss me

Fill my heart with song
Let me sing for ever more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore

In other words, please be true
In other words, I love you

tossing nights.

no - likey

and then

subconsciously

droplets trickled down again

im tired.

of the constant bickering on how contradicting the whole situation is

i know that what i have achieved so far, are blessings from god.

cant you see that too?

it has not been on my own effort.

and so if i have to sacrifice.

its alright

because i know that god will provide.

so what if its not a first class at the end?

i wont regret it. because i know that in the first place, its by god's grace

i dont deserve it

why then.

am i questioned in this manner?

peek

saw a few droplets

peek again

as the fire died down
so did my drive, strive and attitude.
somehow, nothing seem to matter anymore.
no people. no work. no class. no exam. could bring me out of that slumber.

it was like a vacuum from the black hole sucking me in
and i was enjoying the gloominess in that black hole.
who was the one pulling me away?
i knew it was the enemy
but yet. i grew to be fond of the darkness.

as days went by,
i became cold. very cold.
and numb. very numb.
no tears. no sorrow. no hurt. no feelings.

i started to do things base on my own abilities.
intentionally forgetting that all previous records were god given.
as i fought on.
when i do achieve something.
i smile with glee and give credit to myself.
still intentionally forgetting that there is a god.

was life bad that way?
at that point, it wasnt.
i didnt care much. didnt bother much. didnt want to know much.

attitude changed.
although it was well hidden,
people close to me could feel the change.
somehow, the sense of responsibility was no longer there.
the urge to go for prayer meetings and church was no longer there.
the passion for the things of god was not there
to make things worst,
the passion for responsibility and work as a student was not there.

i pushed away what i could.
what i couldnt, i pretend to not care and not do.

it takes a large wake up call

to awake from the slumber

pray for me as i start on the journey to be the responsible me once again

End of next year. If it does happen, it will be a dream, a wish, a prayer come true.

(Many more parties to prove to. )

Another day, another milestone, another celebration, another mark of love.

Tears. Indicators of the fondness of the heart. Poured out on cheeks. Showing the compassion and love. The linkage. The connection of hearts.

2 people. Joining in a common action. Showing unity. Showing love.

happy 2 years

mr locks. mr locks.

why is it so that every time you appear in my dreams.

i get so confused?

im excited.

jumps around

jumps around again

jumps around again

oh dear.

im so excited

there is a time in life when people just give up. no matter it is about people they love or care about. but somehow, patience has it limits. 

just like how pick up lines works. its a matter of selecting the right time with the right sentence but most importantly, crossing fingers tightly to secretly hope that the girl will fall for the lines. but rather, its a matter of how selective is the randomness applied until it is workable. 

i remember when i was young. i used to hope and wish that things would get better. there was one particular square exercise book where i wrote all my wishes, thinking that after writing them down, things would get better. i remember every time the situation was back to square one, i would dig out that well hidden square boxed exercise book from the book shelf, read through all the previous wishes i had written, and with tears dripping down, i would add on another wish. still hoping that my wishes would come true. 

dont quite remember until when, after many years of reading and writing in my secret wishing book, i suddenly had the revelation that it was not going to happen. and i shouldnt have wasted the tears on them. because it was never going to happen. 

just like today. another reminder that the content in those wish list. was just the fantasy of a small girl who thought that a simple wish could change the whole scenario around. 

oh. i forget. you main aim to pretend that i never existed.

stupid enough of me to think that you will be surprised in a nice manner.

obsession.

landing. landed. 

but still am lost. 

focus point : people. work

intended : god