there is always a struggle between how much of a christian to be and the matter of survival

im lost in the struggle again.

on one hand. the frustration builds up. and the blame just somehow shoots around at everyone. maybe if everyone pitched in and we're still stuck at this level its pretty bearable. to add on, there is the continuous comparison on performance. the issue is, if the fear was anticipated and if there was this spirit of comparing, on what basis is the effort missing? im alright if others claim the credit. but im not alright with slacking attitude and yet feeling inferior.

but on the other hand. the religion matters pops up. what am i going to do with this frustration? vent it tell it out and get over it? or make another huge issue with it? be selfish? be arrogant? advises are not quite heading the religion way as much as i would like it to be. but then and again. what is my stand?

i dont know. i really dont know. someone bring me away off to a wonderful holiday. even if its for a day. i'll be greatful. just to take my mnd off this stress.