im stuck here between reality and fantasy
my soul's floating, searching for a destination
emotional turmoil within me
my heart aches, no words can measure

stand up on your feet once again
stop drooling, stop falling


internal struggle
emotional conflict
forget but remember
am i capable of coping?


memories form personality
stay strong


contradiction
head and heart


emotional settlement
2 weeks, too short of a time period?


why this deep storm within?

send comfort through Your word and through dreams

no courage
to put thoughts into words
as a proof of my fondness
or rather a reality of you gone

there in our Father's arms
safe and sound
smiling and worshipping with angels
take comfort, my soul

do look down once in a while
God sends angels down, will it be you?
maybe when i least expect it
there you'll be standing in front of me

headache

havent been sleeping well for the past few nights....having this terrible headache now..
im going to pick myself up... 2 weeks ....after that i will be fine..
so from now till then... if you do see me staring blankly in the air, you would know why. just do me a favor and leave me in my imaginary realm where i see and hear his voice...
i do suffer from serious short term memory syndrome...and i really would want to just go through every single little memory i have of him...
when i have managed to go through everything,
i will be able to successfully put him in my heart, somewhere deep down and he will be remembered
maybe till then i will still be wearing his bracelet, as a remembrance
i can do it, with the grace of God
amen

today i woke up..with this pain in my chest....
dont ask my why..but today it really hurts..worst ever..
met up with his parents last night...
they came for CF, his dad, mom, uncles, aunties, cousins, grandparents...
i miss him
trying to recollect all memories i have of him
i dont want to forget anything
oh ya, yesterday, his relatives joined us for mamak.
and i saw his mom and dad smile for the first time, the smile looked so sweet....
remember his laughter
im wearing the bracelet that he used to wear everyday
his sister said that its his favourite one
im glad i had a photo with him
where is he now are? is he able to see us down here on earth?
can i just pass a message to him to say that i really really miss him?

ouch...it hurts

went for the funeral yesterday..everything is still so fresh in my mind..i close my eyes now, i can actually see him standing there, clapping both his hands.... his palms actually meet at the symmetry... the way he stands....he way he laughs, the way he wrinkles the part between his eyes above his nose..the way his lips twitch...
i am missing him so much

one side of my brain imagines him still there... everytime i walk into jr..or past by places in college where he always passes, i imagine seeing him....with his laughter..and he would say : jasmine, life is beautiful...and then he will laugh out loud...like how he always does
but yet the other side of my brain knows so well.. that he is gone..no longer here on this earth.... he is with God up there...

my tears just falls... i cant stop it...

never once have i blamed God for taking him away...never did i once doubt God's plan in putting him in my life for these past 10 months...

but it hurts.... there is an emptiness....

shawn, if you can hear us..do you know how much to meant to everyone of us? we really miss you....

will i ever get over him? nah, dont think i will ever forget his laughter, his smiles, his blurness, his willingness to help, the times he walked me, the times we spent together... i dont want to forget any of those...

but what if i do..in one years time? what if i dont remember how he looks like anymore? how am i suppose to recognise him when i go up to heaven one day?

i have been saying that i want to experience being totally surrendered to God's love and not think about any other worldly things... shawn did it already...

went to JR yesterday morning, i started crying as soon as i walked in and sat on the floor.... i have his bracelet with me, its on my hand even now... but his presence seems to be everywhere... everything in that house is so nostalgic... a real remembrance of the once living him.... rowen brought me to dih haw's door, he told me to close my eyes and point on the paper on his door... i pointed at "celebrate this day".. what was GOd trying to tell me? celebrate his death?

maybe i should learn to rejoice...that he is up there now...

i just need time to let reality sink in..its too painful....

[rejoice in the lord always, and again i say rejoice]
[hallelu, hallelu, hallelu, ahllelujah, praise ye the Lord]

[you give and take away, you give and take away
my heart will choose to say
lord blessed be your name]

i was singing that song on friday night in church during CG...and i was really naming all the ppl that God has put in my life ever since i came to college...been really straying away from ppl in church, coz i cant make it for the activities....and i did name Shawn's name....i was thanking God for giving me Shawn with everyone else...and in less than 12 hours later, He took Shawn away...

ouch...it hurts

in loving memory of shawn yap swee kee

Sorry I never told you all I wanted to say
And now it's too late to hold you
'cause you've flown away, so far away

Never had I imagined living without your smile
Feeling and knowing you hear me, it keeps me alive, alive

And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together, one sweet day

Darling, I never showed you, assumed you'd always be there
And I took your presence for granted, but I always cared
And I miss the love we shared

And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together, one sweet day

Although the sun will never shine the same
I'll always look to a brighter day
Lord, I know when I lay me down to sleep
You will always listen as I pray

And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together, one sweet day

And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together, one sweet day

Sorry I never told you
all I wanted to say

- one sweet day-


shawn, i'll really miss you...
thanks for being there...
for sharing your life with me
for telling me jokes
for making me laugh
for taking my bag for me when we were in genting
for sharing your past with me
for being such a gentleman
for being there as a cg coordinator
for all your prayers
for all your laughters
for the faith that you had in God
for the courage that you took in leading Hostel CG
for all your lovely messages
for being the one who always cheers up the environment
for welcoming me in JR
for being the worship leader on tues for cf
for coming for each and every cg meetings without fail
for encouraging me in leading the cg
for all your conclusions
for your seriousness that somehow brings laughters
for all the dinners we had with all the others
for your motto : life is beautiful
for being so nice
for living life to the fullest


i really enjoyed serving alongside with you
and now although you have went back to God first,
i will always miss you
i will really treasure that few precious moments we had
you will always be that super cute guy that i've known....
i'll meet you someday again in heaven yea?
maybe we'll remember each other, may be not ...
but thanks for being in my life...
i will always remember you
love ya loads

personality test

Key Areas of your Personality
Your personality stands out from the average person's particularly in the areas of:
Your High Curiosity Level
Your Low Emotional Reactivity Level
One chapter of your 100-page Personality Report is dedicated to how you compare to the average woman and the average man in the 8 main areas of personality, and how this affects the way that people interact with you.
Subset of your Personality Measurement:

Your personality is made up of a unique pattern of traits. These traits impact the way you think, feel, and behave on an everyday basis. In your report you will read a detailed explanation of each of your core personality traits, including your strengths and challenge points.
Your Interaction Style:
You scored 40 in the area of extroversion/ introversion, which means that your energy is directed primarily inward, rather than outward. Your mixed score in this trait creates an interesting and alluring combination of traits: You are social yet also very reflective and introspective. You like to be around people, but too much interaction drains your energy. You need to retreat every once in a while in order to recharge your batteries. Keep these needs in mind when choosing the ideal work situation for you, otherwise you won't feel happy.
Social patterns: You are left-brained when it comes to recognizing emotions in other people. When you look at a person's face you focus on what you see on the right. This is a unique way of viewing the world. You are likely to be sensitive to 'micro-expressions' - the tiny movements of the muscles in the face that occur, for example, when someone is telling a lie. Hearing preferences are an interesting exception to this left-right crossover. For example, if two people were talking behind a closed door and you needed to put your ear on the door to hear, you would tend to use your left ear instead of your right.
http://www.personality100.com/page/member/memb_home_mpb.xml?sessionid=sid20060324081607338

not bad..proves that im an sort of an in between of an introvert and an extrovert....told ya so...=)

assignments

argh..so many things to do...
still in the internet lab..its a friday, 3.20 pm..im suppose to be on the train home now...or even better, i should have reached kelana jaya station by now, class ended at 2....
but im stuck here, looking for information for the Tamadun Islam dan Asia asssignment...
keywords from the title : bandingkan-pantang larang-masyarakat pribumi sabah-sarawak
it due next week..so fast..and i havent started, actually i just received the question yesterday...
had 2 tests this week already
one yesterday, web page design test....
haha, it was a one hour test during a 2 hour lecture, do the test, then 5 minutes break and then continue with the lecture...
i finished in 35 minutes, and i left the lecture hall....went to the canteen and managed to gobble up a whole plate of mixed rice with 4 dishes... amazing, considering the speed i eat, haah, those who have seen me eat would know...
today i had the Tamadun Islam dan Asia test..it was ok la... i think..never did like sejarah...couldnt even remember the chinese names, what about all the islamic names of the khalifahs and the books they write in which century under which reign....headache
another test on monday, web page design also...practical test....have to study
there suppose to be a social psychology test covering a whopping 8 chapters on tuesday but the lecture postponed it to the following week....more time to study
there is combine cg tonight..dont know whether do i want to go..not sure yet

we were at the mamak stall and she was walking past swinging the packet of food she bought for dinner, enough for 2, she and her special someone
"annie!!annie!!"
she turned and saw that certain someone sitting at the same table, her heart beat not because se was excited to see him, but rather, she was shocked, mad, filled with hatred that would lead to overflowing of tears down her eyes, she ran... with all her might... run, i have to run, that voice, that face...
i still remembered the running position she had, she was wearing a black polo shirt with shorts until her knees, her big eyes trembled at the sight of him.... why god , why did he appear in front of me? why?
she ran, as fast as her legs could carry her. im running home, where im safe from him, where my tears can drop freely
as for him, he sat there with his eyes still on her running, even after she ran away, his eyes were still at the same spot where she started running. then he slowly looked down to his bowl of noodles, eating as if nothing happened.... was he crying inside? did he have the wanting to rush after her and stop her from running away?
i stayed quiet, looking at my own plate of noodles, and couldnt help crying silently for the both of them...

cliques

big revelation today....not really a good one thought...
finally realised that cliques will always exist...and even if i think i can hang out really well with someone, tomorrow everything might just be different, maybe i changed, or maybe the other person changed...sad huh>
my life in college is coming to an end... i dont want to accept that fact..would god be really really nice and kind to answer my prayer in making time pass as slow as possible?? haha...
to all my college mates, especially all the cf kakis...i will really miss them....
i really appreciate them for accepting me for who i am....=) and of course, asking me out almost everyday for meals..really appreciate that too..=)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

just received my assignments...going to be sitting in front of the computer once again...looking at the screen, and all my papers....

hectic

stuff in college is getting heavy...this semester is the most hectic sem in workload compared to the other two, maybe because its only a 2 months sem, and the lecturers are trying to cramp some few hundred pages textbook syllybus into 2 months...crazy

have been out mamaking quite often..need to tone down a little, time to get serious and study

in a dilemma, still thinking whether to go for Camp Cameron,i want to go..but the time? and the money? closing date is tomorrow

been thinking a lot...need to learn how to put my thoughts in to words.its hard..dont want to offend anyone...

going to rain...hmmp..what to eat for dinner??
maggi mee?? havent had that for a long long time...maybe..=)

3rd day

3rd day of college already..today is wednesday..have been out mamaking the past 2 nights....=)
one lecture was cancelled..haha..that probably explains why i have the time to sit here right in front of the computer...
yesterday was hectic..haha..
i was suppose to have a dental appointment at 2.30 but my classmates asked me out for lunch, it was sheau torng's birthday, so i said ok...if they could drop me at the lrt station by 2. dental clinic is somewhere in bangsar, and i have to take the lrt from wangsa maju to bangsar, then walk for some 15 minutes...
lunch was cool, we went to this japanese style tea house in genting klang, kneel and eat, interesting... and haha, as expected, by 230 i was still there..no choice, called the clinic to say that i will be late, and she told me i had to be there by 3.30 or else my appointment will be postpone for 1 month,,, haha..
i was rushing....boarded the train at 250...reached bangsar station at 320 walked so quickly under the hot sun, got myself really sweaty by the time i reached there.... was really exhausted already, sigh, still had to walk back to the station after my braces was tighten..ouch, and take the train, then the bus back to college, somehow find my way back to hostel from college on my 2 tired skinny legs...haha
met up with rebecca at 6 to discuss stuff, had dinner in genting klang,,,the lotus peanut soup was tasty,... bummed around in jr and charis after that, then went for supper with anna in tbr...
went back,was really flat...
sleep..=)
ive got to start studying i think
im taking social psychology, web page designing and tamadun asia dan islam this semester, its a short sem... 7 weeks of studies only..then exams then im leaving, sigh
haha
the january exams results are out on the board... i saw my name there..so cool huh...
[every blessing You pour out i'll turn back to praise, when the darkness closes in Lord still i will say, Blessed be the name of the Lord, amen]

wait

is it better to know nothing and wait for something to happen or know something and still wait for it to happen even though you know you face the risk of it not going to happen
waiting, life is like a game, ;you wait for so many things to happen. you wait for recess when you're in school, and after recess you wait for the last bell of the day to ring, then you wait for secondary school to start, after that college, and then graduation, and look for a job, so many things to wait for
take me for instance, i wait for the day i'll be getting married, i wait for the day i can totally abandon myself to GOd. i wait for the day knowing that that small something i knew will come true
i've always asked myself, is it possible to stay in His presence forever> yes i suppose, that will be the day when i reach heaven, and im also waiting for that day to happen
waiting its the hardest thing to do in anyone;s life, especially my life... what would you do if you've been waiting for some 8 years and you know its not time yet, the waiting process has to go on until GOd tells it to end. will you still wait? i find it tougher and tougher each day... why> because i know deep down in me its not time yet,and because of that i dont want to feel anything, not for now, not yet. dont mess with emotions, it has this big bolded read label that says : dangerous, stay far away unless willing to commit
i wait for so many things, to see the smile on His face; to hear Him say : well done my dear child; well, those are the far future,
for now, probably i;ll just be looking out from my window really often, waiting to see the appearance of a rainbow in the sky, that was GOd's sign to Noah right>
will it also be God's sign to me to encourage me to keep on waiting for HIm to do HIs will?

Recap

geesh, holidays passed just like that, time to do a recap of what happened, shall try to remember and record the dates

january
26 - holidays officially started
26 & 27 - shopping spree for CHinese New Year stuff
28 -31 - balik kampung to RAUB, Pahang

febuary
1-5 - CAMBODIA!!!
6 - slept the whole day [the comfort of home,me the lazy bum]
7 - shopping, more shopping [bought a dress..haha..first time]
8 - came back to college for Pre U CG
11 - chris' wedding... [finally, after 9 years of being together, congrats si fu!!]
15-17 - CF Planning camp in GEnting!!! [mentally exhausting, but it was FUN!!]
20 - Driving test [i passed!!]
21-2 - WORKed in Imation(m) sdn bhd [yes, its the computer company]

march
3 - came back to college to clean up [ my room was so dusty]
4 - bummed at home the whole day [tv, comp, books and FOOD]
5 - drove to church..haha..not bad
6 - back in college, class starts at 10am

wow, seems like i've done tons of stuff.time passed worthwhile, i guess
still had that dready feeling of not wanting to come back to college. home is still home and it will always be home..my comfort zone, my family, my room, my familiar house, to leave everything is somehow not that easy

but at the same time, this is my third time shifting back to hostel and its my last. no more chance to do this anymore even if i wanted to. how i wish that this semester will pass slowly, as slow as possible... im not ready to step out from this phase of life yet.. just when i thought i found the real me, finally being able to pick myself up again, im leaving, the spirit of reluctance is so strong

4 year cycle

came to a realisation about the 4 year cycle of my life

first cycle started when i was in Form 1, second one somewhere in Form 4 and now im back to the beginning of the cycle...

what pulls me back there> i really dont know, a person? a feeling? a conviction? no idea really...

one thing i know, when i look back and compare the beginning of this cycle, i see someone new in me, during the first cycle, i was a kid turning into a teenager, experiencing the taste of teenage life, my first crush, stress of school, learning how to make decisions for myself for the first time

the second cycle, i learned a lot from people , from my own experience. i've fallen and picked myself up, went through the downs of life but at the same time, i've really experienced God, really tasted the sweetness of His grace and love and i really had the assurance that He is my God

now its the third cycle, its interesting how some people GOd puts in my life is able to bring me to my senses of what im going through, some people just have that nostalgic touch that is able to make me thing back...haha..
what am i going to face in this cycle , i really dont know.... my commitment to GOd still stands, and i think this is the cycle where it will stand up
its a whole new chapter of my life, interesting, im still learning, and somehow, things of the world doesnt really mean a lot to me anymore.... i know im a student, but my results doesnt matter, as long as i know i did my best for God and whatever i receive back, its HIs, all glory belongs to Him, not me

i've always wondered, how cool will it be to know what God wants to do with our lives, my life especially, but i find my life more and more interesting now as i step closer and closer to Him... its the process that matters more than the end result...

i am excited to go through this life cycle... will go through what He has installed for me with a willing heart..=)

college starts tomorrow, will be shifting back tonight...
will try to blog as often as i can..i'll try

closeness

i was at my workplace, and the manager, aunt sylvia is my mom;s friend..
last day of work was on thursday..hallelujah!!! haha

after lunch, she came to my table and called : meen, meen..
the weird thing was, i knew she was calling someone but it just didnt struck my head that she was calling me..haha...maybe because only my family calls me meen, not anyone else. it is my name, true but how come i didnt respond? is it because of the closeness?
got me wondering, human beings are just so special, they can recognise voices, like how when someone calls you really often, you dont have to ask 'who is on the line'..haha..somehow you just know...
interesting huh

college is starting on monday...back there, will be shifting all my benda back tomorrow night...=) last semester there, i am going to really treasure whatever time i have left with everyone there...will really really miss them

i've gotten my exam results..haha...it is not suppose to be out yet, the college will send it to each student;s house, but i went to the office and got to know mine...haha... im more than happy for it,..and i really thank GOd because i know i didnt study as much as first sem..was busy with so many stuff,,but God is good and He provides..because He knows the desire of our hearts... =)

err

i remembered when i was flying off from cambodia..there were a couple of cambodian maids in the plane, i think they were coming to malaysia as maids..
and when the plane left cambodia, as it was flying over that land, i just suddenly felt the spirit of God so strongly in my heart... never had that kind of experience before... it felt like a burden , a very heavy burden, of what i didnt know at that time. all i knew was i started praying for that country, for the people. i suppose it was really encouraging to have met Power( our tour guide;s friend who came along, and he is a christian, going to korea sometime this month to study theology)... and the people are are still so innocent, they need the Lord, for He is so unknown there amongst the strong buddhist influence...
after i came back to malaysia, i still didnt know what was that feeling for... what was the spirit trying to tell me? i dont know
and when i went for Uncle Lee's homecoming service on sun, i finally had the chance to talk to uncle victor..
i said it doesnt matter where, i just want to go for missions, and i really felt that that was what i wanted to do... he said..i have this place , but i would need to write in first...its in cambodia
cambodia..cambodia...that word echoed in my head my whole being... that was what i was silently thinking..and that was where i was silently hoping to go..and here doors are opening...it got me really excited
and after that, i spoke to Uncle Allen Kam also...he said that he knows this malaysia family who stays in cambodia and are missionaries there..that is so interesting...i want to go...was really really excited...to the maximum level!!!wow...im on my way there...started someway, somehow already

but then, yesterday morning, aunt angelina (a UTAR lecturer) called dad and said that there will not be any july intake this year... meaning i wont be able to go during may to july...=( was rather disappointed

but i was reminded that i still have a 3 months break sometime during my first year of Uni... have to really pray that the passion will last till then and perhaps grow even stronger, GOd willing...

yay!! i want to go!!! o-kun (thank you in cambodian) =)