i am so proud of myself
finally got to say what i was hiding for so long in myself
mission accomplished
i guess it was a symbolic act for me

would the memories still stay?
it will no matter what happens
its just like a part of me
it forms what i am today
its something i went through for so long
but im proud to say
it made me a better person
so i guess it accomplished
its purpose
in doing what it did to me la

im happier now
no need to worry
no need to hide
no need to show another face
im able to just stand up tall
in front
and be myself
isnt that great?
dont have to bother what others think
dont have to bother whether is he around
dont have to bother what his reaction would be
dont have to purposely hide away from him
dont have to walk the other way when i see him
smiles

dub dak dub dak
grins
how ar?

been really busy with christmas stuff
havent really had time for myself
maybe when i go back to uni
then i will have time
to digest
all that is happening
all that has happened

impact camp was wonderful
cool to see so many youth turn up
and to see them stretch their hands
towards god in heaven
the sight is so awesome la

[people might ask, what will i choose if given plain water and carbonated drinks, sparkling juices, wines or even fruit juices? i will say water because other drinks is only a once in a while wanting but water is something that i need everyday and something that i will always want]

come to think of it, water is not that plain.. if i had soup for dinner, dad always says, drinking soup is enough, you dont need water, but i will always insist for water.. its just different,.. how can anything take the place of water?

human beings die without water.. that just shows how important water is to us... fancy drinks sometimes is just to show off? why drink water when there are other more expensive and more classy drinks? for me, simplicity is it... water is needed day after day.. and we dont get tired of it.. but drinking some fancy drink? after some time, we will get tired of the taste of the richness, of the flavour also maybe... and then we yearn for plain water once again..

so.. plain water is my choice.. *wink*

tired...
back from cambodia
went for dental appointment the next day
braces is coming off on the 13th of feb...
grins...

been running around

just had children's vacation workshop
exhausting
seriously saying
i think i might be too old for them already
haha
for those older than me
dont get me wrong
its just me energy level is slowing down with age
its my 5th year after all
can i be considered a veteran?
haha
when i was younger.
now
doesnt that line sound so familiar
never did i expect myself to say that
i must be getting old..
anyway
i could do all the cleaning up
washing toilets
mopping the floors
vacuuming
that is besides taking care of the children
running all around with them
make sure they are always around
no funny disappearing acts
but now...
haha
even taking care of the children
takes up tons of energy
who ever thought i could catch a fever?
haha
i did

then this coming friday
there is youth impact camp
5 days
its going to be interesting
with all the stuff lined up...
interesting programmes
im sure there will be many revelations made
many conclusions to make

as for work
dont get to work anymore
mom is worried that i will fall sick
been falling sick
haha
have to get used to the environment back home first before
i start working
or start studying
the next semester is definately going to be more challenging
and i really plan to work and study at the same time
dont want to burden my parents with my living expenses
times are not so good now
time for me to learn to be independent also

last day here
should write down what i feel
the conclusion of this trip here

it has been a dream come true
for me to just step in to this country,.
to serve the Lord
do i consider myself a missionary?
nah, that is too big of a word to describe myself
havent gone through enough yet

i have seen so many things here
that needs to be changed
the government
the culture of bribery
the poor gettting poorer and the rich, richer
the street children
with no clothes
no food
and they go around begging
only to surrender their day's wages to the ice cream man
or some betting syndicate
so many things we want to do
so many things i want to do
but i realise that it is impossible for man to do it
its way beyond the power of man to change something
that seems to be so big and impossible

but in the midst of the helplessness
i know that there is a God
who is bigger than any problems
who is able to conquer all
no matter big or small
nothing is impossible for Him

the more i think about this country
the more i pray and surrender it all to God
knowing, trusting and believing that
God will indeed do something in this land
as He already has been

will i miss this land?
of course i will
this is a land that i have learned to love
to care and to pray for
but i know that
me alone, its not going to work
for the work here is supposed to be shared among all
young and old
locals or foreigners
God will work through anyone that is willing to let Him do so

i appreciate the short time that i had here
have learned to enjoy every bit of it
the ups and downs
although sometimes it has its disappointments
and not so nice surprises
but i thank God for the people that He has put here
to be able to share among each other
the hopes and joy
the sadness, disappointments, and frustration
and most important
to be able to pray together as a body of Christ

the children?
will definately miss them a lot
cambodians really can pray
the way they pray,
its different
and its powerful
especially when it is done in a group
amazing to see how God's anointing is upon the children and people of this land
strongholds are there
but still
God is doing a great work here
if my God is for me
tell me who can be against me?
amen!!!

thinking of going home does give me the fear..
maybe fear is too strong a word
but a little afraid or sceptical about what is going to happen
first of all,
there is the house things to settle
really need to pray for wisdom to know what to do.
then there is the church
true, i have to share
more than happy to do so
but the responds?
towards what i have to share
and towards me?
suddenly the sense of not belonging creeps in
and also
all the hecticness of my schedule in december
will i still have that same not so close bond again?
will the bond ever grow back?
sometimes i really doubt so
because of my mindset that has changed so much
but im willing to give it another chance
and see whether is it really what i think it is
or is it just me
and there is you
with all the emotions that are growing
how much more can i control?
its getting harder to stay far away

but im happy to know that i will get to meet my darlings once again
its still the same
i know
the good, bad and ugly
but still
they are my darlings
and i love them a lot alot
haha
mixed feelings
with all the emotions
going high and low

second last day here..
so fast
will be going around to say my farewells
i need a big huge bucket
and that 10 rolls of toilet paper in a packet
haha
its going to flood... badly..

caught the flu bug from somewhere..

happy birthday uncle johnny!!!

surprising him with dinner today

am cooking for the whole team

as a birthday celebration for uncle johnny and aunty may

will try to make it as delicious as possible la

garlic toast, spaghetti, honey chicken wings..

totally western

not sure how it would turn out

but if i dont try

i wouldnt know

wish me all the best.

im falling
falling
fallling
into
erm
i
dont
know
where

listening to the voices of the children makes me feel like i dont want to leave them
just when the bond is starting to be so strong
the children are the ones that is the main attracting factor
its true that there are many challenges faced
when one is settled, a bigger one pops out
we thank God for his hand upon us
and no matter how much the enemy tries to interfere
God will always win in the end
all we have to do is just to commit it all in prayer
and trust him fully
and allow him to do what He wants to do in the lives of those involved
nothing much we can do
even if we can,
we have to seek wisdom from God
even small matters
can lead to big huge matters

bgr worshop starting tonight
haha
who would think
that of all people
i would be doing a workshop with the kids
shouldnt call them kids
teenagers would be a better word
they are all grown up
those above 12 i mean
they need to know about love la
the real one
even through they have been so deprived of parental love
dont want them to seek "love" from someone of the opposite sex
just to fulfill that curiousity in them
and end up somewhere else
god knows where
abstinence from sex has to be made known also
in a place where it seems to be so conservative
and yet prostitution, even child prostitution is so rampant

awh.. 9 more days...
so fast la
am rushing on what i want to finish doing here
haha.
when im about to leave,
thats when i start to know how i can contribute
the first month, was just getting involved in everything
settling in
seeing
then when the second month started
i started to see how i could help more
organizing things.
planning things
starting classes for different things
dance, carol,
and now maybe drums?> haha
2 months is not long enough la
actually
doing god;s work
no matter how much time,
its always not enough
am going to have to plan my time wisely
so that i will be able to complete what i have started
i thank God for his provision
in even providing the opportunitieS
for me to get so much closer to the children here
through
activities,
classes
sometimes just being there with them
praise God

to see myself being back there...
with all the responsibilities to bear
wanting at the same time to enjoy my life
but knowing that responsibilities comes first
to do what i have to do
whether the task is assigned or it comes with the person
to follow strictly on what i have said
to be responsible for the words i've said
big big responsibility
but God gives strength and love rite?
to learn to love what i am doing
although sometimes i do wish i can just get out of it
and never have to get into it again
but i know
its something i have to face
so why not just face it for these few years
and get over with it?
learn to love what i am doing
learn to love the distance
learn to love in a way that God wants me to love

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.

Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.


Chorus:Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,(ocean)
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.


Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.

Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Chorus 2x

I am yours.
I am yours.
Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
'Cause I am yours.
I am yours.

do not worry...

had that passage appearing so many times
and yet
when i heard news from home
i was still worrying my head off
until God rebuked me saying
why did you encounter that same passage so many times?

been doing a lot of paper work and typing..
its the 15 th already
i dont want to go home..
can i not go home?
so many more things to do here..
so many more to teach the children
so many more dances to teach the children
so many more songs to share with them
so many more games to play with them

having peanut soup for dinner..
smells delicious
haha
so proud of myself
=)

went to church on sunday.. on the way back, i took a lemo with the korean girls.. we waited across the road at the junction outside the orphanage. i think shaun and kern would know that junction.. and then there was this gila man... he was wearing a hat, with shirt buttons opened, and his pants had a huge tear, exposing his butt... he was looking at people one kind. and we spotted him. so scary. all those waiting at the same place started walking away. we got scared and crossed the road again back to the orphanage side... the worst part.. that crazy man was spotting us. he looked at us one kind. and then he picked up this huge stone about the size of 2 palms.. and was throwing it in the air, aiming it at us. scary gila. was praying and praying. we walked away, walked down the road until he lost sight of us, then only cross the road again to get a lemo. thank god for keeping us safe. so close la.. phew

started dance prac on friday. thank god that the children here at day care are so much better than what i expected. was really praying so hard for them to catch the excitment and be willing to dance for God.. they cannot get the rhythm of the song or the beat or the counting. but their memory is excellent. so much better than so many of us in malaysia. going to have second prac today. aunt lucille is sitting in today. she was a dancer you know.. she will help with cheoreographing here and there. praying for costumes.. we have to sew them because the children are so poor. not all can even afford to have school uniform, what more dance costumes.

carol practise in the orphanage is going well also. thank god. finished teaching all 5 songs. started with ettiquette. the children there have no exposure of any sort. simple things like how they should stand, how they should carry themselves have to be taught. imagine, aunt lucille is trying to get them to go to phnom penh hotel and sunway hotel to sing.. besides going to the houses of christians around phnom penh. yesterday, did how they should come in, intro, and sing and how to say thank you. this coming sunday, will be doing a role play with food , if the hotels and houses do offer. finger food. im going to prepare sandwiches,egg sandwich if possible, if not, probably kaya or peanut butter.. and also a drink. cordial. will mix it. will be leaving drink in a jug. going to teach them how to take the food. how much to take. how to eat them. how to pour drink. how much to pour. how to sit and eat. what to say and what not to say. how loud they should be talking.its going to be a fun exposure class...haha.. blessed bunch of kids. there are 13 children involved in caroling. the young teenagers about 13 to 17 years old.

dance, there is 12 of them. 8 girls and 4 boys. age 10 and above.

been having alot of team meals.. haha.. fun also... aunty may is treating all international team members to a buffet lunch in sunway this sat. combine celebration for her and uncle johnny's birthday. going to get to wear my baju kurung..haha... to a malaysian hotel.. interesting..haha...

dont feel like going back.. its the peak of excitement and preparation for christmas now.. im organizing the carol as well as the dance. there is a local staff in each to translate for me as well as to carry on when i leave.. but it feels like i want to be there to see how it turns out... haha...

my visa is extended till 5th of february.. so if there is any cheap air asia flight.. in january., before i start classes,.. i can probably come back for a few days... 5 days or so.. and bring friends along la.. since im already familiar with the surroundings and what they do here... shouldnt be a problem to adapt back them.. take it as a holiday while working for God... haha..

spent the night in the office on sat. there was this concert somewhere nearby, a few doors away.. untill 1130 at night. crazy.. dad would love it la.. imagine a live band.. with drums, electric guitar, bass, keyboard, and saxaphone playing instrumental "ye lai siang" and all the oldies.. haha.. can imagine the people dancing... aunt lucille said that house has a lot of chinese influence. thats why they have a lot of chinese songs. but i suffered. couldnt sleep tilll 12 +.. the noise is really deafening

feeling like I belong?
after so much of turning around in life and after going through so much of turmoil in life
is this what it really is?
is this what I have been looking for so many years in my life?
it is true that if I hadn’t gone through what I went through
I wouldn’t have known the real meaning of what I wanted
what I was searching for
have I changed over the years
I don’t think so
after so many years
its still the same
you are the one who changed
so much from a person I knew to a person that I didn’t know at all, not even a bit
but its ok
because I have forgiven you long ago
lets just say
I thought it was but it wasn’t
but the idea in my mind is still the same
never changed
my principles and what I hold on to in life is still much the same
maybe now
im slowly finding the courage to trust again
and its going to be something beautiful
if God is in the middle
its something different
so different from what others are doing
but then
its special
very special
the more we stay apart
the more we put our stands out to God and to each other
the closer we get
it’s the waiting that makes it all beautiful
the process of surrendering to God that makes it special
the willingness to let God take control
humans are full of uncertainty
I am not exempted
but still
trusting that God knows what is best
and holding on to the promises that He gives
to His word
and doing what He wants us to do in our lives
God will do what He wants
doesn’t matter whether it is what we want now
but I know and I trust that God has a plan for each of us
sometimes it is no what we want
and it seems to hurt so much
until we cant help asking “why God? why?”
but after going through it
we go through what is called maturity
that’s when God moulds us to be a person more like Him

started dance practice for the children
surprisingly, they are so much better than what i expected..
was praying really hard that they children will feel the excitement in dancing for God like how Miriam danced for God..
was really praying that the joy will be in them.. and they will not feel tired learning dance, or frustrated having to practice repeatedly
thank God..
the children have so much excitement.. their eyes are shining... 8 girls and 4 boys
i feel so blessed even seeing them coming after class for practice..

have been postponing language classes due to the many holidays that are happening here as well as my hectic schedule in teaching the children dance... =)
i miss dancing..haha..

to think of myself going back soon... there is a sense of reluctance... all the bonds built with the people here,the children, the staff, the locals...

pray.. aunt lucille extended my visa till february 2006... she said probably its a sign...ehem.ehem... it is supposed tobe until december only... maybe if dad and mom allows... and if God allows.. i might make another trip back here after new year... somewhere in between 1st and 7nd of january... probably a 5 days stint... and God willing.. bring a team along? i really want to share my experience here with others who would want to experience the same thing.. still praying.. cost of living here is kind of high.. but im sure it can be arranged.. coz God will provide...=)

6.1 cambodia

i had a great time last weekend when my family came over to Cambodia to visit me. Thank God for that time we had to catch up with each other. My family joined part of the ministry here. Thank God for opening our eyes to see the lifestyle of the locals here.

Water Festival here was on last Saturday till Monday. It was really exciting to see the boat races on the river as well as the small stalls set up all along Sisowath Quay. We spend some time travelling around the city during that 3 days to experience the excitement shared by the locals. Imagine having 2 and a half million people gathering at the riverside.

The whole of Cambodia is in the holiday mood this few days. Last Saturday till Monday were public holidays because of the Water Festival. Tomorrow is Independence Day, another public holiday.

Continue to pray for the children here, during the Water Festival, i saw many children collecting rubbish, begging at the streets. and the worst part was when they had to surrender all the collected to an adult. they dont get to keep any of their hard work. some children that were begging around had their limps chopped off. It was really a pitiful sight.

Pray for the police and government authorities here. Bribery is rampant.

Pray for the street children that we are ministering to. Due to the Water Festival, big vehicles were not allowed into the city. We still went to the normal places in a land cruiser. But many children couldnt recognize the land cruiser. Do pray that the children will still come to the bus this week when the bus is allowed in the city.

after some time
many things can and will change
people grow taller, bigger, stronger
or people get older, fall sick, get grumpier
but some things will never change
like how you can say
"its still the same"
things that never changes
some are good
some are bad
but
if its the people i love
i should learn to accept weaknesses
and learn to love back in return

its back to the children now
another public holiday tomorrow
going to the orphanage to just keep an eye of the children there
thought of thinking of a game to play with them
many things that we take forgranted because its just so obvious in our environment is overlooked here
sometimes even simple things like what we are suppose to do at a certain place
simple ettiquettes are not there

my darlings came and went back..
will miss them a lot
these past few days has been like a holiday for me
been travelling around a lot
taking tons of photos
had fun
relaxing

my darlings are coming today
more than excited.
will be heading to the city for water festival this weekend.
boat races and all

all activities in full buzz here..
water festival starts this saturday
and the starting point is here in takhmao where i stay
peddlers are putting up stalls at the riverside,
the crowd is gathering even to see the practices..
interesting sight

havent been writing for the past few days
these few days has been really rewarding
had a team from the doulos with us for the weekends.
was really encouraged by them
headed for the doulos some 4 hours journey from here
i've been refreshed seeing the work that God is doing
hearing the testimonies of how great God is, and what He is doing here in this country.

im getting use to this place.. and i realise the amount i am praying for the people is decreasing.. at least i realise that.. this is not good...
Thank God for opening my eyes to show me that He is good and He cares..
just the amount of children just now showed me that God is the one in control of the children here.. imagine.. 185 children.. we didnt have enough bread that we had to even break it into half.. i felt rather bad... the children were looking disappointed that they got half of what they usually had..

different needs of different people
but God sees them all
some need spiritual need
some have emotional needs
some have physical needs
but his grace is sufficient for all
praise the Lord

i am going to teach the children carols..
was asked to do so
haha.. its khmer songs.. with a very strong khmer tune to it.. dont know how am i going to learn it in time
today is friday.. and im suppose to teach on sunday
haha
a different language some more
interesting huh

i think i killed some thousands or millions of brain cells last night...
fever again.. freaky la..
temperature went up to 38.3c
had thoughts of whether will i survive the night
haha
thank god the fever is gone now
still feeling weak though..
floating around when i walk

the village is so rural...haha
its some 1 hour ride from the office. on a tuk tuk... i saw water everywhere... its the rainny season...
what i saw is what you will see from the plane.. one orange road with water, plantations everywhere. not that much of padi around because it is flooding.. i saw more of sugarcane and some vege... kailan, choisam.. beans...
the first 40 minutes was ok.. because i was travelling on the roads.. the roads is like the normal orange muddy road with a thin layer of tar on top of it. so the road is still bumpy.. but not that bad.. uneven land.. slight big bumps at the bridges... i think the road level sank.. so its lower than the bridge.. and when the tuk tuk passes the bridge.. we will jump..serious.. if we didnt hold on to the railling.. i think i will have flown out...
then..... we made this turn into this orange muddy road without tar... haha.. and it just rainned really heavily this morning.. didnt help the road condition... it had huge portholes with water in it.. that 20 minutes of ride was bad..serious.. the road was next to flooded land.. and the driver was about half a feet from the side of the road. and at the side of the road.. its water... road is one feet higher than water... the driver had to turn left and right to find the least bumpy path.. and even that was bad enough.
and then.... we turned into this even smaller road.. where we could see cow foot prints...with all the muddy holes and muddy road all around.. that road was enough for the tuk tuk to pass by,,even then the tuk tuk was hitting into branches along the road.... wow.. imagine the kids of that village walks to school in that mud.. and they dont have shoes...
when we reached this junction, there were about 15 children waiting there.. they were so excited to see us.. i can always remember the smile they had.. it was another 5minutes ride on that small road to our destination... and the children were running behind the tuk tuk... i can imagine the same thing happening with Jesus and the children...
we put out mats on the floor in front of this house.. cut their nails, sang sunday school songs, told bible stories. one of the team members were cleaning and putting medication on the wounds of the children and the adult in the village.
somehow, i didnt feel well.. at first it was because of the sun and the smell of burning rubbish.. as well as the smell of the children.. the street kids and village kids here have a kind of smell.. smells slighty salty... and plus in other indescribable smells..haha... i felt dizzy and uneasy... and then when we were in the middle of the thing, one local worker told me that she is not feeling well as well. and its not physical not feeling well.. but more of i can sense there is something wrong. i have been praying for that village since i left it... its a spiritual warfare... really have to pray a lot...
the journey back was the same.. bumps and swaying left and right...
im back in the office now..
its a great experience.. will never be able to see this kind of thing in KL.. imagine.. the mat where the children sat... there were pigs, chickens and chicks, dogs roaming around.. haha...

lightning was terrible last night..
bright lights in the sky.. and its a few lightnings per second.. non stop..
flickering bright lights
or rather bright white disco lights shining? haha
couldnt look directly in the sky
too blinding
the locals said that when it rains in the morning, its a sign that the rainny season is coming to an end..
it starts off with raining in the afternoon, evening, night and then morning
i was frightened..
first thought was
ah... what about the street kids that stay on the street or on the trees?
what if the lightning strikes the trees that they are under or on?
will they die?
second thought was
is the the end of the world? with all the blinding lights.. and the thunder.. electricity went off... and i was just thinking through, what have i read in revelation.. is this really it? haha
but... i survived... haha.. thank God.. dad said to enjoy that moment.. something different that God had made.. that can be experienced only in Cambodia...

creepy crawlies all around... eee.....
had thousands of them in my room last night..
thank God they dont bite.. but still its freaky.. they slept with me..
in my room, so many of them on my bed... ee...e.e....
and this morning.. when i went out from my room... oh dear.. there were millions of them in my house..
its the size of those flying ants in malaysia... and they die after one night..
apparently its a normal phenomena during the rainny season here...
ee....eee.....

back to nature here.. haha.. imagine kids coming to school carrying plastic bags with many huge grasshoppers in them...haha... one grasshopper is 3 inches long.. so big... and what the kids do, they put them on their shirt and the grasshopper will stay there or crawl around on their shirts...hhaha... interesting sight..
i love the kids... i hug them a lot... am changing the method of teaching from the traditional way of teacher-says-student-repeats.... trying to make my lessons personal... do pray.. because i am trying to include bible stories in them.. im not sure how because of the low command of english the children have... still in the midst of preparing what i am going to do..
thank god the children at day care that i am teaching really do have a strong memory... they can remember everything i teach within one lesson.. and its a whole new foreign language.. praise god for that.. next aim is to teach them some simple english songs.. like God is so good..=)

heart breaking
to see the HIV kids
am learning to tell and distinguish which kids have AIDS
the nurse warns me to be careful when im near them, just in case they cough... monday's bus ride both the morning and evening ones has a lot of HIV infected kids.. its sad to see... they have slightly swollen faces, stares into blank space a lot... and they are not as active as the other children...do pray for them

what effect will it bring to me?
am i just being too naive?
am i the one to comfort and give strength?
is this what i am going to choose?

been out on the bus this morning..
had a great devotion time last night with may, kyong sun, yang hee, and debra....
interesting how devotions can be done in korean and english at the same time...=)
thank god for all the time that i have spent so far here...
am loving every minute of it

God has been speaking to me really closely..
i thank God for this relationship that i have with Him
ups and downs
true that sometimes it requires willingness to surrender many things
but in the end its all worth it
because our minds should be set on God's kingdom, not on earthly things
thats for that reminder
im at a stage where i know God is taking me one step higher
but going one step higher requires so much more of me than the step that i used to be
so many things that i dont want to let go in life
so many things that i want to hold on in life
but i know that if i do hold on to earthly things
i will lose out on what God has for me
the best among the best

surrendering and sacrificing comes together huh?
to sacrifice something important is never easy
like how abraham was asked to sacrifice isaac?
i might not fully comprehend that feeling but at least i experienced a fraction of it?
ouch...haha
but then again.. if God says so
who am i to be selfish to say i dont want to?
Jesus was willing to sacrifice Himself on the cross for all of us..
i can imagine the love He had for all of us to allow Himself to be humiliated by those He created
i believe God has a plan
a plan more beautiful than i can ever imagine
a plan for me, for my life
but for Him to put His plan into action
i will first have to die to myself
and let Him take control
its hard.. but im willing to...
use me o lord

today is a slow day..
feeling lost, lazy, blur.. all combined into one...
yesterday was a emotional day
but im determined to pick myself up today
will be smiling again at the end of the day
like how i always do smile

i was feeling feverish last sat... temperature went up to 37.9c in the night... quite high..

really thank God for lucille who spent time cooking porridge for me.. and made sure that i was alright. with all her calls... she is such an angel to me

went to the local children church... really was touched at how the children sang songs to God.. with all the actions.. it was full of live.. and when they sing and pray, they really sing and pray... =) i felt my tears flow.. couldnt explain why until now

john 17 appeared to me 3 times in2 weeks.. still cant grasp what God is trying to tell me... still praying...

things here has been good so far.. went on the bus at 530am today... had about 18 children.. but i thank god for that time where i had time to write up so much

one week since i've been here
thank god for all the protection since i do walk alone sometimes during the day
thank god for all the blessings he has given
thank god for providing the finances
thank god for people who blessed me with great meals when i least expected them
thank god for great people on the team that i am working with
thank god for all the street kids that are always smiling when we drop by to see them
thank god for speaking to me everyday of my life
thank god for his word that encourages me so much
thank god for local workers who are able to translate from english to khmer
thank god for the spirit of unity in the whole team
thank god for unity where we pray in 3 different languages, english, khmer and korean and god still works
thank god for taking away the communication barrier among all working here although we are all from different countries, cambodia, malaysia, korea
thank god for never failing to provide for the center
thank god for bringing the children to come to Him
thank god for all the medical supplies that we have here
thank god for patience and love and joy to serve the children
thank god for resources and materials provided
thank god for creativity to create new materials to teach the children
thank god for language classes
thank god for safety where i am staying
thank god for everything
amen

today's morning bus has the cutest kids ever..haha.. so young.. seriously
one boy wasnt even old enough to stand properly.. so cute la
we went to the riverside, that is the most western part of the city, with all the nice hotels and the western restaurants.
but sad to say that is also where the condition of the street kids are the worst..
young kids are already begging on the road...

the street kids are so cute.. and so adorable..
like yesterday..
there was this small boy on the bus that didnt have clothes on.. and he wasnt even old enough to talk.. probably around 2 years old..
i really felt for him.. can i adopt him?
had my first go in bathing the children on the bus... =) they seem to know what to do, get in the bathroom and they will take off their clothes automatically..haha.. talk about smart
many of them are smart, im sure, they have the intelligent look and they are so willing to learn.. they can pick up what is taught just like that... its really a pity that they dont have the chance to learn and their are just being exploited by the adults.. we need a children right activist here..
will be starting with teaching kindergarten here for day care.. trying to plan out a teaching plan for 2 months to see how it works.. it would help a lot of i can leave that concept of having to plan ahead with the teachers here.. then at least they will know what to do next time, what should be taught and by when.
am going out to the bus again later at 12 noon.. today's load is a big one.. expecting some 200 kids.. thats a lot.. will have a lot to see..
i miss everyone back home... haha
and its only the 5th day..
been thinking alot and writing a lot
here on my blog and in my diary as well..
been learning to pray alot too..
i realised that there is so much to be done in this country and so many things tobe changed.. with all the politic issues,bribery, child abuse going on.. but there is nothing i can do except to pray for that God to have His divine intervention in this country. my heart goes out to all the children out there..
so if you are planning to come, its good.. a lot to see.. a lot to experience... =)

god is good after all.. i was really surprised.. he knows when we need a break the most..
i was feeling tired and restless and wanting so much to run away this morning
and when i came to the office, lucille told me that i will be going out to the city with her and we will be joining the others for lunch. someone is giving a treat because today is the autumn festival (moon cake festival)
so we went to the city, and did a bit of shopping, i bought some beans to cook for either lunch or dinner.. and also cereal.
had lunch in a beautiful korean restaurant.. the food was just delicious.. awesome.. so many dishes and the roasted pork just came and came
really thank god for that short break.. was really refreshing. making me want to go ahead and do more for God.. so much more..

i think the keys here dont like me.. hehe
couldnt open my wardrobe and the maindoor yesterday.. so its like i
locked myself in the house and also i locked all my things in the
wardrobe..haha
prayer does work you know.. in the end, the cleaner came and she
managed to open the maindoor from the outside.. and my wardrobe? i
manage to force it open. but i think there is something wrong with the
lock. so im not going to lock it again. just in case. anyway,. the
cleaner doesnt enter my room., and i sweep and mop my own room.

cant really recycle my clothes here... maybe coz im mixing a lot with
street kids and everytime after i go home, im suppose to wash
everything because of the germs.. like on friday, i go out at 530am to
the streets and go out again at 5pm to the streets. so that is 2 set
of clothes already.

the orphanage (kingdom kids home) looks like a hostel with the bunker beds.. they dont sleep on mattresses, i guess that is too expensive. a common kitchen
like a hostel as well. there are tuition classes offered for those
kids that needs tutoring in their school work.

do pray that God will give me ideas to know what to do. am in a state
of lost now. dont know what to do, how to do it.

going out to the city today for lunch. the director's sis is giving a
treat. because today is moon cake festival. will be doing some
shopping as well.

dinner yesterday was awesome. may had some pork chops and i cooked tom
yam soup with onions., tomatoes and tou foo.. delicious.. hopefully after i go back, i will know how to cook.. then i can be independent.. and dont need someone to cook for me.. although it will be nice once in a while having someone to cook for me.. hehe

have decided to not take matters into my own hands.. with all the issues that i am suppose to think about.. i will leave it aside and let God make the decision for me.. He knows whats best and i will choose to believe that..

im learning a lot to pray for people here.. one of the advantages of having street children this close is that we get to lay hands on them and pray for them. its different praying from what you heard from others and praying up front

today has been a not so good day.took so long to get out from my bed
had thoughts of going home
i would have to admit i do feel inedequate with the lack of ability to communicate with the children that i have contact with, i have so many things to say and to tell them, but i cant. and that is the saddest part. communication is stuck to "what is your name?", "how old are you?" and then after that there is total silence. and that is only for those that understands what i say.. erm.. the older kids only.
this morning i dreaded waking up.. didnt feel like i wanted to face the children today.. and my schedule.. i am suppose to plan myself which area i want tobe in. so many uncertainties that i face... dont know where would be the best place that i can serve... dont know what i will be doing. how am i ever going to make the children understand what i have to say and teach?
been praying really hard.. for God to take away the spirit of reluctance.. im here for a purpose, its like a dream come true thing in my spiritual life. cant afford to let the devil take away the joy and love that God has placed in me

i am here in cambodia. internet facilities are available from the office. thank god, at least i get to still keep in touch with everyone back home
dont worry ya. i am in good hands.
the lord has been good.
so far people that i have been in contact with are the ministry workers that consist of malaysians, koreans and local cambodians.
i've also been to the streets on the bus to serve the street kids.
its heartbreaking to see the kids infected by AIDS. they have beautiful eyes and nice features but the wounds and scars on their body, with the defects because of AIDS is just saddening to see.
i couldnt help my tears from falling as i washed their hands, cut their nails.. these kids have so much more to live for.. there are so many more things in this world that they deserve to see.. but because of their background, they are stranded to picking rubbish, being controlled by the syndicates on the streets, and when the syndicates cannot control them , the children are given glu to sniff.. and some of them are as young as 5 years old. they cant even read or write.. not because they are stupid.. but just because they havent been given the opportunity to do so..

my schedule when im here will be rather packed.. its interesting. because i get to fully serve without having to bother about what time is class later, dont have to bother about assignments..

i will be mostly with the orphanage called kingdom kids home as well as the bus ministry that goes out to the city about 5 times a week.

weekends will be when we chill as a team.. with the bus bringing us to the city for sightseeing as well as shopping for our grocery need for the week/.

sundays, morning i will be going to a local church that is conducted in khmer, and in the afternoon at 3, i will be going to a church called INternational Christian Fellowship where most of the missionaries in Phnom Penh attends.

so far so good. i have been writing a lot aswell. plan to write down every thought i have when im here. whether it is about what i am facing here with everything new that i see, or even thoughts about the future and where i am heading...

4 more days
buying what i need is the tidious one
going shopping for so many things
am planning to give the kids a treat
sweets
thats sugar in another form

7 days more
am really encouraged by all the support given by people from church
especially the impact-ers
go guys and girls..
thanks everyone for all your prayers
and for all those who has given financially
im sure God will bless you back even much more than what you've given

im excited
in the midst of preparation
of deciding what to bring
what not to bring

i tend to imagine what is going to happen there
how it will be when i arrive
what i will be doing

someone told me this today
dont expect too much from the environment
but expect something BIG from God
i can only add an amen to that!

people change
so fast
so much
from an environment that i was so familar with
to something that i find myself so lost with
no more similarities that will bring us together
different values we hold on to
different topics we talk about
different subjects excite us
so much can change
so much did change
probably
im the one who has changed so much
not everyone else
that's why
i dont feel like im in the group anymore
values that i have is just so different
no one is wrong
its just the environment that has changed us
but im thankful for once having all of you in my life
dont know whether will it ever be the same again
i doubt so
everyone has grown more mature
entering adulthood
entering the dating life
nah.. it will never be the same once more
but i still want to say thank you
for allowing me to be part of all of you
once in my life
everyone has to move on huh?
everyone has to change to improve...

13 days more
its really soon
in the midst of preparation
God is good..
money started coming in
praying by faith
that God will provide
although there is not much time left..
but God will provide

heading home tomorrow..
15 more days
counting down
since exams have ended
have to start packing
praying very hard for finances to come in
so far its still 0
going by faith
that God will provide
amen!

parting is always so hard
it brings along that heavy burden in the heart
where walking seems to be just dragging one's legs
eyes just dreams off to another place

15th of sept
dedicated to dear shawn yap swee kee
guess i kind of adopted the concept behind 'life is beautiful'
i really admire your attitude
and also your great faith
you've opened my eyes to see
how beautiful GOD and live can be
thanks
i will remember that
miss you

Global Personality Test Results

Stability (63%) moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic. Orderliness (33%) moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment. Extraversion (53%) medium which suggests you are moderately talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting.

Take Free Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

trait snapshot:
messy, tough, disorganized, fearless, not rule conscious, likes the unknown, rarely worries, rash, attracted to the counter culture, rarely irritated, positive, resilient, abstract, not a perfectionist, risk taker, strange, weird, self reliant, leisurely, dangerous, anti-authority, trusting, optimistic, positive, thrill seeker, likes bizarre things, sarcastic

Right Brain |||||||||||||| 58%
Left Brain |||||||||||| 42%

Right brain dominant individuals are more visual and intuitive. They are better at summarizing multiple points, picking up on what's not said, visualizing things, and making things up. They can lack attention to detail, directness, organization, and the ability to explain their ideas verbally, leaving them unable to communicate effectively.

defensive character
fond of shooting people
straight-forwarded-ness

its in me?

when something you have wanted
happens
and you know that it is the moment
how are you suppose to feel?
im feeling so now
exciting
somehow its that now-is-the-moment
kind of feeling
18 days more..
its soon..
and its getting more exciting as the days passes

i blogged once about what if the same thing happens more than once
am i suppose to ignore
or at least pay a little attention to it
geesh
now it happens again
its getting freaky
haha
totally not expected
how can 2 minds so far away
think of the same thing
and able to answer
at the exact time
how come it happened at that time?
not the next day
not after i finish writing
but right then when i just wrote about that particular thing
and i got my answer
out of no where
ta-da
its freaky...

the distance is getting further apart
im not even trying
and im giving up?

i wonder
would you remember?
i wish you would
but then
it probably doesnt matter to you
probably never did

thanking god for the 17 years he has protected me and been with me
thanking god for all the ups and downs in life
thanking god for bringing me through all the rough times in life
thanking god for putting so many wonderful people in my life to encourage me
thanking god for carrying me on His shoulder when i was down
thanking god for all the blessings he has blessed me with
thanking god for all the sweet memories in life
thanking god for all the angels in my life
thanking god for being there for me
thanking god for being my strength
thanking god for being my shelter
thanking god for being my help
thanking god for being my comfort
thanking god for just being there listening to all my grumblings and disappointments
thanking god for all the provision in life
thanking god for a wonderful family
thanking god for wonderful friends
thanking god for people that helped mould me to who i am today
thanking god for all the admonishing
thanking god for all the teaching
thanking god for all the people who cares for me
thanking god for blessing me with so much more than i deserve
thanking god for everything He has done for me these 17 years

time is running out
so many more things to cover..
oh dear
how ar?

21 days more
thats so soon
sooner than i expected
never did really count how many more days to go
im excited
very
will be counting down...

shawn's birthday is coming
sort of brought back memories about him
it has been some time since he left
many emotions
had since gone away

i am so in a mood of shooting people today
so all you out there
beware
mind what you do
or else
you will be shot

i suppose its true
that there are limits and boundaries in life
that determines how we should react towards certain people
some people are just acquaintances
some are friends
some are close friends
some are best friends
some are lovers
for each level
there is an invisible limit
and somehow
it is possible to go somewhere further
but to turn back
it will never work the way we want it to be
most of the time at least

is it just what i see
or is there something more to what i see
is it just me?
or is it really what i think it is?
confrontation?
or continue to live in ignorance?
where do i stand?
what rights do i have?
none
i shouldnt mess
i should just keep it to myself
shall not let the feeling creep in
shall try not to be disgusted
shall try to at least close 2 of my eyes..

geesh..
there is something so wrong with me
i feel so...
urgh...
ah...

tolerance?
how far can i?
how much am i willing to?
of all things
why this?
there for a purpose?

disturbed mind
looking for rest
from things of this earth
wanting to run away so badly from
the happenings in life
to run into His presence
that seems to be so far away
but yet
its so near
with all the miraculous happenings at home
everywhere around me
tells me that He is real
i just have to
open my eyes to see
open my ears to hear
and open my heart to feel

so many times
i've strayed
from the path
and i know it
with thoughts that are not what im suppose to be thinking about
with prayers besides those im suppose to pray for
i dont know
sometimes
temptations just gets in
so strongly
and yet
at the peak of it
the spirit speaks
amazingly
God never failed to keep me out of temptations
not once or twice
but so many more times than that
i was at the verge of falling
into something with consequences that i wouldnt have even thought about
but He stopped me
dont ask me how
i dont know how
it just happens

something i wanted to post since long ago
but never had the time to
so here it goes --->

i've tried half my life
to run away from certain things...
run as in tried to improve
to try my very best
to realise things on my own
to observe things on my own
to learn to see the consequences of certain actions
and i've really tried so hard to get out from that
certain part of my life
that i really couldnt bear
i kept telling myself
this is not what i want to see in my future
this is totally not what i want others to go through as well
and i think im almost there
i almost managed to creep out
slowly
somehow
but then
all of a sudden
the whole thing just comes back
SPLAT
right in my face
i do have a choice to say no
do i?
to just avoid myself getting caught in this whole thing again
do i have a choice?
or is it just something i will have to face
for the rest of my life?
how about the compensation theory?
one has to compensate for what is lacking in another?
is that why i always face this?
because i realised i wanted to get out?
and because of that i have to help others too?

its been a while since i last wrote
many things happened
mom went for operation already
thank god it went well..
her recovery is marvellously fast..
its only the second day and she is able to walk
im in the midst of exams
but somehow it seems not so important anymore
studies are just secondary?
maybe not even secondary...
sometimes i really think
god is so so good to me and my family
he blessed us with so much more than what we expect
to me at least

tag!!

1. 4 jobs I would stink at ...

`firewoman [cant even lift the short putt metal ball in school.. what about the hose?]
`IT person [i know nuts about computer and its functions.. ]
`waitress [i have a oops-im-going-to-drop-the-food-phobia]
`artist [the artsy kind]


2. 4 pretend nicknames I'm making up for myself ...

`i remember nothing... maybe if you remember any, let me know...



3. 4 movies I could watch over & over again (without falling asleep) ...

`Titanic... [can still cry over it... emo-ness]
`Mr Bean - the ultimate disaster [dont ask me why im so fascinated by him]
`disney cartoons... [its nicer than movies... ]
`bruce almighty.. [found it funny though]


4. 4 places I want to live in ...

`my nice nice house in shah alam... =)
`TARC hostel [i really really miss that place]
`a nice cosy house with my future hubby...
`aiyah... cincai la.. [brain block]


5. 4 things I'd loooooove to do during weekends ...

`drink soup [there is no soup stall here in sg long]
`sleep [to cover for the whole week's lack of sleep]
`eat [home cook food is just so different... ah....]
`relax and chill [weekdays are crazily hectic...]


6. 4 things I couldn't live without ... other than the obvious :)

`my bible
`my diary
`my computer & streamyx
`CHOCOLATES


7. 4 alcoholic beverages I've enjoyed ... hehehaha!

`i dont drink... =>


8. 4 favourite food & whom I'd like to bon appétit with ...

`homecook sup with my darlings
`tbr tomyam with anna!!!!
`nasi goreng kampung from arabs with the cf-ians
`french fries with my 2 daughters...


9. 4 places I would rather be in now ...

`home
`hostel in setapak
`my bed with all my comfy pillows
`in Mc D's eating french fries and ice cream


10. 4 people I'm tagging ...

`sherine
`asher
`whoever who wants to be tagged... haha

thank god for the many blessings
thanks to all who has been praying so much for my mom and my family
the growth is not cancerous
praise the Lord!!!!
i really appreciate all that you all have done for me and my family
thanks loads

delete?
one small tiny button in one corner of the keyboard...

lost somewhere

im shocked
at how shallow some things can be

the human mind
is deceiving
is deceptive
is fickle

Some things do change
For the better
Some change when people least expect it
But if it is from God
Then I suppose it’s beautiful

Some people change along the months
Along the years
Change is inevitable
I would say
We can’t stay stagnant
Change is necessary
For us to move forward
To look at life
From a different perspective

But if change happens
Because of a person
That will not last
Because it’s only to please that one person
And after some time
That temporary change will disappear
Because change doesn’t come from the heart
Change for God
Or should I say God changes people
To be someone more like Him
But that is only if we allow Him to do that to us
If only we put aside all our selfish thoughts
That will hinder His work in us

No matter how much a person can change
For me
There will always be the starting point of change
The turning point
The deciding point
And now as I look back
I can smile
At how much I’ve changed
For the better
So many things l’ve learned
So many other blessings God has put in my life
Although I know that many other changes will continue to happen
But at the same time I know
After everything that happens
After all the tears and sorrows
All the breaking down
I can look back
And give God and myself one big huge smile
And say thank you God

1 what causes fights and quarrels among you?
dont they come from your desires that battles within?
2 you want something but dont get it
you kill and covet
but you cannot have what you want
you quarrel and fight
you do not have,
because you do not ask God
3 when you ask
you do not receive
because you ask with wrong motives
that you may spend what you get on our pleasures.

4 you adulterous people
dont you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God?
anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.
or do you think scriptures says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely?
that is why scriptures says:
"God oppose the proud
but gives grace to the humble"

7 submit yourselves then to God
resist the devil and he will flee from you
8 come near to God and he will come hear to you
wash your hands you sinners
and purify your hearts
you double-minded
9 grieve, mourn, and wail
change your laughter to mourning
and your joy to gloom
10 humble yourselves before the Lord
and He will lift you up


James 4:1-10

future?
partner?
importance of things?
priorities?

so near yet so far away
so many things to achieve in life
but at the same time
seems like its all not of value
so many dreams to dream
but does it really matter anymore?
maybe not

what is life?
what is the purpose of life?
why are we born in the first place?
why do we have to go through so many things?
dont really know how i am feeling
how am i suppose to be feeling
dead inside
no emotions?
maybe now i know
how come i was born
as the first kid in the family
to be the one in charge of the family
and to hold the family together
to take up that huge responsibility
to stay strong
im lost for words
totally tangled up

i want to be there for you
but i cant
thats the worst feeling ever
knowing i cant be there
to hug you
like how you hugged me when i needed you
stay strong
god will always be there to hug you
he will be there to absorb all your tears
he will be there
even when i cannot be there
i will remember you in my prayers

sometimes
we just have to pick ourselves up again
from the place where we have fallen so badly
with our eyes fixed on jesus
the healer and comforter
it is true
that we will never forget what happened
its not possible to forget
it will stay in our minds
once in a while
small things in life
reminds us of what we have gone through
no regrets of what we went through
just that nostalgic feeling
that stays in the heart
thanking God for everything we went through
for pulling us closer to Him

hope?
small glimpse of hope
but then
IT IS possible to see something good out of something bad
because GOD is good
by faith
we will walk through this together

counting down
18 days more

thank god for all the small blessings in life
thank god for all He has given to us
thank god for all the special people He has put in our lives
thank god for His peace
thank god for His love

first time since i came here
have i been studying so hard
havent been studying for so long
that i forgot how it feels to study?
haha
i dont have a choice
have to start cramming my small tiny brain
with all the big huge words found in my big huge thick textbookS
19 days more till finals
study

me + you + you + you + you + ..... = ??

me
one person
add in you and you
without you and you there will not be me
then after that came you and you
all together
became one
but me
is still one person
and you, you, you....
are
and will be
one different person
not me
what brings us together?
me and you and you and you and you?
and what will seperate us?
are we just all
individual me-s
brought together
to live life together
to learn how to tolerate each other
to learn how to love each other
maybe we are
but dont know why
i still love
you and you and you and you

answers...
to give or not to give...

wanting to know
and accepting the answer
is 2 different things
haha
does this line sound familiar?

im stuck here
some one help me?

wait la

when im ready
and when i think you are ready
i will let you know

if you are walking really close to GOd
you can hear His voice
is that true?
i believe it is
it has always been my prayer
i used to envy those pastors and speakers
when they say that they hear the voice of GOD
i really wonder what does that mean?
i hoped
to reach that same level of closeness with GOd
its interesting to really know the heart of GOD
to know His will
its true that sometimes He doesnt reveal His plans
but the plans He has are there to prosper us and not to harm us
its interesting how sometimes
God speaks right to the heart
in time least expected
in places least expected

enough?

been asking myself
what is enough?
like money
we earn money
after we graduate
firstly
to support ourselves
then find enough money to start a family
then start to earn enough to life comfortably
then and again
different people has different standards of living comfortably
so when is enough?
or probably
relationship wise
among family members for example
we all wish for the close strong bond among family members
but when is enough?
people do die
and then
what happens?
the bond of the family grows?
but minus out one member?
how close is close?
or probably
boy-girl relationships
when is enough?
it is never enough i will say
like how people say
i cant get enough of him or her
what is enough?
emotionally attached?
physically attracted?
then get together?
after that get married?
is that enough?

but then all of a sudden
as i was singing to myself
like how i always to
i suddenly remembered this part of the song that says
[lord, you're more than enough for me]
its from the song
[so blessed, i cant contain it
so much, i've got to give it away
your love has taught me to live now
you are more than enough for me]

it just really struck me
why am i so asking so many questions?
at the end of the day
even if i do not achieve what i want to achieve in life
i will still feel and know that my life is meaningful
because i've got Jesus
and He is really more than enough for me
amen!!!

repetitive

When something happens repetitively
Meaning when it happens more than once
Usually it means something
But what does it mean?
It can be really scary
Like how sometimes
I dream about the same thing more than once
Maybe it is in a slightly different context
But still it has the same meaning
The same situation
The same outcome
And the same answers
What is that suppose to mean then?
but then and again
It could just be my imagination
But what if that something that happens again
Is not part of my dream?
but rather its reality
Something that happens in real life
No more dreaming
Not day dreaming
But it really happens
And it is happening more than once?
should I pay attention to it?
maybe I should
Maybe I should

dependency

i realised im really dependent on so many things and people in life
my family
how am i going to live without them
my daddy and mommy that i call everyday
most of the time more than once a day
[manja]
all my darlings at home
my two naughty but lovely brothers
my friends
those that i hang out with for lunch everyday
without them i think i will be so lost
all my christian friends who prays along with me
all of them who shares stuff with me
all of them that i share stuff with
i am so dependent on them la
any problems at all
i will start typing away on my keyboard
or start talking away on the phone
or start pressing the keypad on my handphone
oh
im very dependent on my computer
and my streamyx
and my blog
also on my phone
most importantly
my BIBLE
how am i going to live alone there in cambodia?
hmmpp...
away from everyone
away from everything
but near to the people there
near to GOD...
=p

things i find beautiful in life

1. bare trees...
trees with only the branches and no leaves
interesting how even the sight of a dead tree can be so captivating
because it is God's creation





2. children singing their hearts out to GOD during worship
the innocence of kids...
ahh....




3. the sound of old folks singing their hearts out to GOd
doesnt matter how out of tune they sound
it still sounds really beautiful to me
what more to GOD?

4. the three words : i love you
doesnt matter who says it
as long as it comes from a sincere heart
and as long as that person means it
it is beautiful
like how God says to everyone : i love you
or even how our dad and moms say that to us
kids to parents
guy to girl
girl to guy
love comes from God
therefore its beautiful

5. marriage
one of the most beautiful thing in life too
how 2 people learn to live together
just because they love each other
and want to spend their lives together
old people who hold each other's hands when they are walking
thats really beautiful





6. chocolates
[smirks]
how can i forget this

7. boys maturing to men
dont get me wrong
im not talking about puberty
but more of
the time when guys reach that maturity stage
the stage where God is clearly seen in their lives
thats really beautiful too
how about girls?
girls mature faster than guys...
haha
girls are more stable beings too
stereotyping here...

amazing how god sometimes
clears off the dark clouds
one by one
all of a sudden
the heavy burden
is lighten
not the whole thing
but a little
yet
that little seems so large
[smiles]

have been spoiling jored..
touching his strings almost everyday..
dirosakkan [spoilt] to the maximum
the end result?
my poor fingers...haha
the weirdest thing about my fingers is that
the tips doesnt harden
no matter how much i play
it starts to harden a few days after i play
the skin starts to peel about 7 days after i play
and after that
my finger tips are soft and smooth again
so the next time i play
the whole cycle starts again....

many things in life cannot be controlled
no matter how much we as humans
want to take control of stuff in our lives
we will never succeed
like how we are not in control of
sickness
emotions
feelings
thoughts
well, to a certain extend we are
but not in total control over the whole thing
like how sometimes
we try and try to avoid
precaution is better than cure
but
it still happens
like feelings
and emotions
and sickness

风

在这世界里，有几种风。
就好像有时候，当一个陌生人走过的时后，
有可能会感觉到一阵阵风，
可是那不是热风，也不是冷风，
感觉上可能是一种熟悉的风吧
风？
有时候只是心理作用。
可是有时候确是真的
是直觉吗？
风的存在
是要告诉人们有一种感觉的存在吗？
就好像
你真么知道一个人在你身旁走过？
你真么知道一个人刚刚走进房间里？
是不是全都靠身边的风来传消息呢？

lazy me
pms-ing
haha
irritated a little
frustrated a little
emo a lot
eating little
sleeping a lot
studying a little
doing homework a little
thinking a lot
talking a lot
crying a lot
drinking water a little
dreaming a lot
absorbing a little
wishing a lot
imagining a lot
drowsy a little
yawning a lot
praying a lot
hoping a lot
trusting a lot
missing you a lot
love you a lot

new start?

must pick myself up
a new start
find a new motivation
to start studying
new perspective of life
new direction from GOd
new inspiration from you
i will hang on
and stay strong
strength comes from God
amen?
no worries about me ya
i will be fine

L-O-S-T

i feel so lost
its flooding here
with my tears
really do not know what to do
what i really feel like doing now
find someone to hug
and really cry my heart out
do not know what else to do
tears are dropping
it just flows
lost
no direction
help?

torn in between 2 passions
2 loves
2 desires
2 things really close to my heart
how am i suppose to know what to do
how am i suppose to know what God wants me to do
to really learn how to let go of something that i love
knowing that i only get to choose one
i love you
you do know that dont that you
i love the both of you from the deep bottomest of my heart
faith?
how much of faith am i suppose to portray?
how far am i suppose to step up for my GOD?
please pray for me
i really see what i am going through as a big huge spiritual warfare
knowing that i want to go to Cambodia
and the evil one is doing all kinds of things to stop me from going
really pray for God's protection upon my family
for his strength, guidance, protection in His name
to know His heart, to know HIs will for me in my life
to know the direction He has for me
to have the strength to carry on
to really learn and know how to trust HIm
although its really really hard
especially in times like this
pray...

W-O-R-T-H

dude : is it all worth it?

worth it?
worth?
oxford dictionary -
worth = deserving to be treated in a particular way

what does it mean to be worth a certain treatment?
how do we judge a person's worth?
what does it mean to be worthy of a certain attention from someone?

what is worth?
all the effort put in
all the hopes
and dreams
but if at the end
it all equals to nothing
is it still worth it then?

worth
like us
human being
are we worthy of what Jesus did for us?
i dont think so
i dont see any small good thing in us that deserves what He did
for Him to die on the cross
as a ransom for our sins
is it worth it?
i would say no
but yet
its all because of love
that its worth it
because
[God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son,
that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life ]
its all because of the grace of God
that we are what we are today
not condemn by our sins

i suppose if its because of LOVE
it is worth it

lending a helping hand

i find it so hard sometimes
knowing so many things
i would love to help people solve their conflicts
by putting all i have together
get the whole picture
then come to a conclusion
but its against their will
i mean..
people tell me stuff
knowing that i will keep my mouth sealed
and sometimes i so do see the need to intervene
but i cannot
not that i dont want to
how come ar?
so weird

2nd of august

its the second of august factor..
today is the 2nd of august
maybe that;s why i have been behaving weirdly the past 2 days
but then and again
it could be because of not enough sleep
or maybe i was too tired
crappy and cranky me....
why second of august?
erm...
maybe coz when i think back
i feel silly
thats why im acting silly
hmmp...
its just today la
no other reasons
its just another day
=)

19 ways to keep a girl???

saw this from friendster...
felt like i have to stand up for some girls..
not all girls are that shallow minded..

Topic : 19 ways to keep a girl

1. DON'T FORCE HER TO DO
ANYTHING.
[Or else she will look for someone else, you don't
want that...]

-i will not look for someone else if im in love with you, but then again, if im with a person, i would expect that person to respect my decision, provided its right.-

2. Grab her hand when you walk next to each
other.
[Or else someone else will hold her hands...]

-someone else will grab her hand? thats only if she allows someone else to take her hand... haha.. but if someone tries to grab my hand without my consensus.. i think that guy would be shot dead by me...-

3. When standing, wrap your arms around her.
[Or else she will start pondering elsewhere and the
moment will be lost...]

-maybe she wasnt even paying attention to you.. duh.. be decent a bit.. dont go around wrapping your arms around her.. give her some space of her own please...-

4. Cuddle with her.
[Or else loose the chance of pinning her down the
ground later on and start this amazing make out
session]

-erm... can i say it sounds really wrong? not all girls are that horny, wishing their guy will pin them down to the ground whenever there is chance.. oh. p-please...-

5. Hug her from behind
[Or else you can hug her from the front, nah but
serious... do this so that she wouldn't feel lost]

-sweet depending on who the girl is... like i said.. if its me.. the poor guy would have his head shot off.. -

6. Write little notes.
[Or else her day begins meaningless]

-sweet but without notes.. i dont think my day would be meaningless... there's more to living because of one person and only living for that person.. get a life-

7. Compliment her Honestly.
[Or else she will see through your lying eyes...]

-i totally agree... dont lie for the sake of lying.. she can tell-

8. When you hug her, hold her in your arms as
long as possible.
[Or else she might slip away from you more than
you know]

-erm... -

9. Be super sweet to her.
[Or else she might not return it to you as willingly]

-if you are together, everything you do for each other is sweet.. i think? no need to fake the sweetness la.. if you are sweet, you are....-

10. Call her at night to wish her sweetdreams.
[Or else she will wonder through the night thinking
if you miss her as much as she misses you]

-for me.. sleep is more important... haha.. oops-

11. Comfort her when she cries.
[Or else you don't get to stay with her through the
whole night... think about all the possibilities =p]

-comfort her and be there for her.. but dont start thinking about other stuff... she is not interested... you might just end up losing her...-

12.Wipe away her tears
[Or else her mascara will run down her cheeks =p]

-yup... this i agree....=) -

13. Love her with all your heart.
[Or else don't love her at all...]

-this i totally agree too-

14. Pick her up and flirt with her (she'll scream and
say put me down but really she loves it).
[Or else just throw her down and tickle her to
death... as you place kisses all over her body =p]

-erm... leave this till marriage... erm... dont do it in public too....-

15. Be a gentleman (hold the door for her).
[Or else she will feel less of a lady and think your
not chivalrous]

-yup... gentlemans are really attractive.....-

16. DON'T let your friends talk trash about her, it'll
get back 2 her
[Or else she will be a victim of rumors and become
a target for gossipers]

-protect your girl ya-

17. Take her for a long walk at night!
[Or else you'd be missing out on one of the most
cherishable moments the two of you will ever
share]

-walks at night are romantic.. really romantic...awh.....-

18. When it's cold outside hold her close
[Or else prepare to get poked by her mountains =p]

19. Draw on or rub her back as she is tryin to rest
or sleep
[Or else loose the opportunity to take advantage of
her while she prepares to sleep *wink]

-seriously no comments for 18 and 19.. disappointed in the mentality of people nowadays... get a life people-

be still

one thing i've learned these few days
peace comes from god
and although i do admit that i have been through a lot these few days
physically, mentally, emotionally
but its not at all unbearable
be still
before the lord
and he will give you peace
it doesnt matter how much i've gone through
how much people put me through
but all that matters is the peace that passes all understanding
the peace that comes from above

my blog is where i write my emotions
i am quite an emo person
[smiles]
but after all the emo
i realise i need to fall back on something
on someone
or else i would go crazy
and im glad that
no matter how bad the situation may be
how stressful i feel
how bad i feel
how tied up i feel
my god is there for me
amen!


Be still, for the presence of the Lord

Be still, for the presence of the Lord, the holy One, is here;
come bow before him now with reverence and fear.
In Him no sin is found, we stand on holy ground.
Be still, for the presence of the Lord, the holy One, is here.

Be still, for the glory of the Lord is shining all around;
he burns with holy fire, with splendour he is crowned.
How awesome is the sight - our radiant King of light.
Be still, for the glory of the Lord is shining all around.

Be still, for the power of the Lord is moving in this place:
he comes to cleanse and heal, to minister his grace-
no work to hard for him, in faith receive from him.
Be still, for the power of the Lord is moving in this place.

-david j evans-

waiting

sometimes we wait for something to happen
although we know that it never will happen
but deep down
we still hope
and hope and hope
that something will happen
but after waiting for sometime
you just know that its not possible
its not going to happen
and all the disappointment comes in
so why wait?
why put one's self in such situation?
i dont know
but im still waiting...

Mengejar HadirMu lyrics
by Giving My Best

Dekat padaMu itu rinduku
Setiap kataku Kau pun menunggu
Tak kusangka kutemukan satu kasih yang abadi
Kini kudatang dan kubawa hidupku

Memandang wajahMu
Mengikuti kebaikanMu
Mengejar hadirMu
dalam hidupku

Membawa sembahku
Menyatakan kebesaranMu
Mengejar hadirMu
dalam hidupku

Our Father
who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
and the power,
and the glory,
for ever and ever.
Amen.

smiles
who says going through tough times has to be bitter?
smiles
i know my god is with us
smiles
and he is in control
no matter what the outcome is
he will still be there

[11 for i know the plans i have for you
plans to prosper you and not to harm you
plans to give you hope and a future
12 then you will call upon me and come and pray to me
and i will listen to you
13 you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart
jeremiah 29:11-13]

ah!!!
can i scream?

struggle

struggling within one's self
internal conflict of wants
can it not happen?
is it ruining everything
or is it bringing it to a higher level?
yet can it really be happening?
living in disbelief
mental rejection of something that is not true
but its not not true
is it?
struggle
between giving in
and hanging on
how come sometimes knowing what to do and doing what is supposed seem to be so far apart
why is it so tough?
would the world be a easier place to live in if emotions did not exist?
i know how i feel
i know what im suppose to do
but the two doesnt seem to connect
i've tried to put the two together
its not working
i will always avoid one
choked within my thoughts
silence
speechless
not that i dont want to say anything
i do not know what to say
do not know how to solve it
do not know how to come to a conclusion

accountability

Main Entry: ac·count·abil·i·ty
Pronunciation: &-"kaun-t&-'bi-l&-tE
Function: noun
: the quality or state of being accountable; especially : an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions

sometimes we choose to be accountable for someone else
but sometimes we are expected to be acountable or responsible for something even though we didnt agree to it
forced to?
kind of
more of an obligation
you cannot say no
like how leaders are expected to be responsible for people under them
one small mistake that someone makes
the leader has to be the one responsible over it
no matter how innocent that person may be
leaders have to take into account every single action of their followers
so what if what their followers did was wrong?
what is the leader suppose to do?
so many other factors to take into consideration
like the reputation of the whole group
in my case
the whole course
what will people think of us
see now
im talking for US
not me
not a single person
big big consequences to face
are we up to the challenge?
to maintain our reputation and to know what we are doing
where is our conscience?
one small action can cause devastation
if it is only to the person
then its ok
after all
that person has to be responsible for his/her action
but if it affects the whole course
including people who are innocent
who is going to be accountable for this whole matter?

decisions

its funny how people are always put in a dilemma of making decisions
let not even go to making the right or wrong decision
sometimes the end result is neither right nor wrong
but the dilemma is in what to say
yes or no?
two small simple words that carries extremely solid meanings
you cannot say yes and no
no meaning
is it possible to want to say no but yes comes out?
or probably wanting to say yes but the answer is no?
complicating
that is probably why coins were created
so that when we do not know what to say
the coin is always there for us to flip
nah
thats depending fully on luck
not accurate
even if it is
our self deception of the situation has a strong hold on our mindset
how about depending on the situation to make a decision?
if the sun doesnt go down today, i will say yes
if my lecturer comes today, i will say no
if the shop opens and is selling my favourite dish, i will say yes
if my computer doesnt work properly i will say no
how much more ridiculous can that be?
the funniest part is how insecure humans can be some times
how when after we think we have made the decision
we tend to look around us for confirmation
for people to assure us
like if i toss a coins once
i want to toss it a second time to see whether is it really what i am suppose to do
or take plucking flower petals as an example
he loves me
he loves me not
he loves me
he loves me not
he loves me
he loves me not
for goodness sake
just ask him
dont continue to live in insecurity

still unable to put my thoughts in place
need more time to digest i think
im such a slow coach

signs?
exciting and scary...
its like what i have been praying for is coming true
the impossible i would say
how am i suppose to perceive it?
it wasnt exactly what i wanted..
as in what i must have in my life
but its more of my dreams...
what i wanted to do
what i wanted to happen in my life
and now its happening
its amazing
to see stuff i prayed for come true
at times when i least expect it
god is good
amen!!

compatibility

Main Entry: com·pat·i·ble
Pronunciation: k&m-'pa-t&-b&l
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, from Medieval Latin compatibilis, literally, sympathetic, from Late Latin compati
1 : capable of existing together in harmony

been thinking a lot about compatibility
how do people with different background live together
how come old people are so strongly against inter-race marriage
how come old people say that the rich and those from better off families should get married to people of that same category
what does it mean to be compatible?
be of the same standard?
same education background?
same financial background?
same religious background?
is it really that important to make a relationship work?
or will love be able to conquer it all?

David's position is desperate. He has only one precious asset : God's promise that he will be king. Although circumstances test his faith in that promise to the extreme, David learns to wait for God's timing.
-commentry on david in 1 samuel-

waiting for god's timing
interesting statement
a timely reminder for me
hold on strong to God's promise
never let it go
by faith
amen

stepping out

its time to step out from my comfort zone
have always been absorbing
like a sponge
maybe its because i've had amazing people in my life
who is willing to give and give and give
and me
its not that i have not been giving also
not as much as im suppose to
now its time to start giving
squeeze out whatever i have
to the people around me
by faith
do i have the capability to do so?
i really do not know
but if i dont try i wouldnt know
would i?
if god puts me in this situation
he'll give me the sufficient energy and wisdom to do so
even though sometimes i can be so so blur
haha
expect the unexpected from god
for he is a god of wonders
amen!!~