went for the funeral yesterday..everything is still so fresh in my mind..i close my eyes now, i can actually see him standing there, clapping both his hands.... his palms actually meet at the symmetry... the way he stands....he way he laughs, the way he wrinkles the part between his eyes above his nose..the way his lips twitch...
i am missing him so much
one side of my brain imagines him still there... everytime i walk into jr..or past by places in college where he always passes, i imagine seeing him....with his laughter..and he would say : jasmine, life is beautiful...and then he will laugh out loud...like how he always does
but yet the other side of my brain knows so well.. that he is gone..no longer here on this earth.... he is with God up there...
my tears just falls... i cant stop it...
never once have i blamed God for taking him away...never did i once doubt God's plan in putting him in my life for these past 10 months...
but it hurts.... there is an emptiness....
shawn, if you can hear us..do you know how much to meant to everyone of us? we really miss you....
will i ever get over him? nah, dont think i will ever forget his laughter, his smiles, his blurness, his willingness to help, the times he walked me, the times we spent together... i dont want to forget any of those...
but what if i do..in one years time? what if i dont remember how he looks like anymore? how am i suppose to recognise him when i go up to heaven one day?
i have been saying that i want to experience being totally surrendered to God's love and not think about any other worldly things... shawn did it already...
went to JR yesterday morning, i started crying as soon as i walked in and sat on the floor.... i have his bracelet with me, its on my hand even now... but his presence seems to be everywhere... everything in that house is so nostalgic... a real remembrance of the once living him.... rowen brought me to dih haw's door, he told me to close my eyes and point on the paper on his door... i pointed at "celebrate this day".. what was GOd trying to tell me? celebrate his death?
maybe i should learn to rejoice...that he is up there now...
i just need time to let reality sink in..its too painful....
[rejoice in the lord always, and again i say rejoice]
[hallelu, hallelu, hallelu, ahllelujah, praise ye the Lord]
[you give and take away, you give and take away
my heart will choose to say
lord blessed be your name]
i was singing that song on friday night in church during CG...and i was really naming all the ppl that God has put in my life ever since i came to college...been really straying away from ppl in church, coz i cant make it for the activities....and i did name Shawn's name....i was thanking God for giving me Shawn with everyone else...and in less than 12 hours later, He took Shawn away...
ouch...it hurts
2 comments:
Yes, I was thinking about that.
Celebrate this day. Because he has gone to be with Jesus.
Even though we mourn now, we celebrate his life. Which I believe was lived to the full, though it seems so short.
Last night we sang "blessed be your name" at practice.
And we sang "Rejoice"...
And "In Christ Alone"
[No guilt in life / no fear in death / this is the power of Christ in me / From life's first cry / to final breath / Jesus commands my destiny / no power of hell / no scheme of man / can ever pluck me from His hand / til He returns or calls me hom / here in the power of Christ I'll stand]
Let your heart and mind mourn as much as it wants now...
everyone needs a good cry every once in while..
You are being very tough in spite of all this emotional roller coaster in you...
So... yea.. Gear up and Go out soon ok??
Be blessed!!
Remember, trials and challenges are placed there by God so that we can grow thru it.. reaching a new maturity each time. SO that we will be ready for the ultimate plans that He has for us..
Nothing much i can say to help... I've always been the one who can separate myself from my emotions which explains the way i act and think. Hope you are not offended that i seem so indifferent to everything that has happened..
take care my sis...
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