here and there

Im back here physically, but my heart is still there in college?

I went out to help a friend wrap his wedding gifts, met up with all of my friends back here. It feels so awkward, what happened to the old talkative me? i didn’t even say more than 10 words..its not that I don’t want to speak, but I feel so far away, so distant… but I’ve been away for only 8 months? Not really away because I still do come back here every Sunday, its just that the bond is no longer there. Is this how I am suppose to feel?

Far, far away…hah…I remember missing all my friends back here when I first went to college, and now I am missing all my college friends so much… what an irony

[You give and take away, You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name]

I suppose I will just have to start making my presence here obvious…. Im back for a whole 5 weeks… start building bonds again…

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i feel like im a tortoise, hard , super hard on the outside. Probably its because I harden myself so that I don’t get hurt. He called again and I shut him off? Its not because I don’t want to talk to him but is there a need to let him break in to the circle of more than friends? I don’t think so and im not ready… I don’t want to get hurt again, its too painful, don’t think that I have the strength to go through all of it again, and yet… is it possible to remain friends? I feel so numb, am I suppose to feel something? I really don’t know… but if I do, what am I suppose to feel? Happiness? Joy? Freaked out? Nostalgic? I really don’t know

[ I don’t want to lose a friend ]
[ I know im suppose to wait, may it be 2 months or even 2 years, waiting sucks ]

Now that I have the time, im going to start thinking again… what I want to do in life, what I want to achieve…. Wait…so many things to wait for, and yet sometimes not everything we wait for becomes a reality, sigh…

I want to wait.. for something to happen in my life, but to me waiting is surrendering everything to God while allowing Him to mould me into someone He wants me to. Its cool to wait in the Lord, and I know that I love my Jesus so much, and im not going to let him go no matter what happens…. For me to learn how to love someone again, probably some day when I find myself lost in the love of Christ….some day…