I realized. It’s tough to try to love someone that you know doesn’t like you in the first place. And it doesn’t help when that person, does all kinds of funny things all the time to make you not like them even more. And I am also reminded that on this earth, not everyone will like you the way you want them to.

And so, what can we do about that? Ignoring is an option. But it doesn’t make things better. Confrontational approach is another option. But it takes guts and maturity for the other party to accept and change.

What if in this case. The other person has been that way all the while since birth because the different background and environment allows for that kind of behavior? Sad to say, that particular behavior is hard to be tolerated by others especially when staying with others besides those from the original environment.

Many hidden feelings which has been put aside and ignored for the past years, in order to maintain peace, is now resurfacing one by one, Triggered by different scenarios, different people, and different surroundings. Sometimes we can be numbed by things that we choose to ignore, to reach the extend where it becomes part of the norm. but when new people enters, or when new things or event surfaces, the norm which we slowly got used to, no longer stays as the norm. The original problem shows itself to be more major than what it was years back.

i dreamt that i was in my imaginary world

and i somehow managed to persuade mom and dad to let me have the car. the whole intention was to go and look for him

i remembered the journey in my imaginary world. the signboards, the roads.

reached where he is. then i found out that he was going to get married to her. i thought it was a joke. i remember his promises to me. i followed him around. pretty much amused at first. and i even helped with the preparation of the task he has to do to get the bride.

i remember vividly the last clue. where he had to go to the post office. i followed along. i even gave directions. i remember the post office. he had to take something from this part of the garden within the post office compound. to get the key to enter, we had to go upstairs to get it from the office.

i remember trailing him. i remember seeing his excitement. i remember seeing his joy. and i remember that he was getting married to another girl. i squeezed his palm, twinned his fingers with mine, and squeezed it. i remember he squeezed my fingers lightly and let them drop lose. i was the one holding on. i looked at him. full of hurt. i asked him. what happened? i thought you said it was me. what happened?

he looked at me with a very sarcastic face, saying "im tired of pleasing you, im tired of your never ending wanting of attention. im tired of you"

and he left.

i looked at him one last time, all that went through my mind was, you said you liked it when i manja with you, you said you like the attention i gave you, you said you liked the way i needed you, you said you loved me, you said there was no other girl. you said. and you forgot.

with all the strength i had left in my body, i ran away from him, ran away from what i saw, ran away from his presence.

i remembered, he was wearing a light beige colored tuxedo.

What a big difference

to say to a person : i miss god

and to say to god : i miss that person


Isaiah 53:12
12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great, [g]
and he will divide the spoils with the strong, [h]
because he poured out his life unto death,
and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
and made intercession for the transgressors.

god has been good. he always is. thought of the day was. the more we grow up to be in this world, the more we see the darkness of the world. and the higher the chances that we tend to follow what we observe. maybe not in terms of things we do, but our thinking, our mindset. our judgment of things. of what we see. how we feel towards many different people, how we value things, why we value certain things. how the media has influenced us so much.

as i look back, i see how my environment has trained me to be someone with a hard shell on the outside just to protect myself. somehow it seems so much to be a natural responds. compared to last time when i used to be so naive and so willing to take the blames and hurts. now, the mentality is push it away first, whatever that i see is undesirable, go away first. helping or going near is not the first thing that comes to my mind. i do pray yes. but last time, i would want to help first. then only think of myself second.

what has the world taught me? somehow i cant help thinking about am i still worthy enough to serve god. after all that i have changed. we all change according to time, no doubt. today i felt unworthy all of a sudden. feel as if, i dont have what it takes for people to look up to me.

until this passage came to me.. and it made me tear. it feels so special to be in the presence of god. sharing with him and telling him how i feel, what i think. and to have the assurance that Jesus died on the cross for all of us, all of our sins, and we are cleansed, called children of god. therefore, we are worthy of his love. not by actions but by grace.

and yes. it is much more precious to tell god that i miss a person rather than to tell a person that i miss god.

floats

fuzzy

sweet

giggles

after so many months. i still feel all giggly.

one's silent day. influences another's day.
till it becomes 2 silent days.

randomly random

what if.. Mr Locks is taken?

came and left again

with tears
and hope

counting down to the hours, minutes and seconds...

im excited!!

Micah 6:6-8 (New International Version)

6 With what shall I come before the LORD
and bow down before the exalted God?
Shall I come before him with burnt offerings,
with calves a year old?

7 Will the LORD be pleased with thousands of rams,
with ten thousand rivers of oil?
Shall I offer my firstborn for my transgression,
the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?

8 He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.

been having many spiritual attacks in my dreams the past few days. happens quite often, where in my dream, i see myself in the battle as one of the party, and i will start praying in tongues ferociously and also casting out demons ferociously in the name of jesus. of course at the end, the winner no doubt is always jesus. these kind of dreams still make me jump up from my sleep and makes me sweat cold sweat.

what this passage speaks to me about is, verse 8 in particular. it gives the assurance that i dont need to give god material stuff in large quantities just to win over the heart of god. but what matters to god the most, which is also the most important thing is to act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with god. all three things, which sounds simple but yet maybe not so easy when we do it. but god's grace is sufficient for all of us.

god's instructions are straight forward.. and many times he doesnt give the full picture of what is going to happen, only pieces and parts to different people. but at the end, when we realise the wonders of god and when we see the full picture of what we had to go through, its all worth it because its beautiful.

so it has been 1 week, 7 days
and we both survived
press on! =)

happy 16th!