last day here
should write down what i feel
the conclusion of this trip here

it has been a dream come true
for me to just step in to this country,.
to serve the Lord
do i consider myself a missionary?
nah, that is too big of a word to describe myself
havent gone through enough yet

i have seen so many things here
that needs to be changed
the government
the culture of bribery
the poor gettting poorer and the rich, richer
the street children
with no clothes
no food
and they go around begging
only to surrender their day's wages to the ice cream man
or some betting syndicate
so many things we want to do
so many things i want to do
but i realise that it is impossible for man to do it
its way beyond the power of man to change something
that seems to be so big and impossible

but in the midst of the helplessness
i know that there is a God
who is bigger than any problems
who is able to conquer all
no matter big or small
nothing is impossible for Him

the more i think about this country
the more i pray and surrender it all to God
knowing, trusting and believing that
God will indeed do something in this land
as He already has been

will i miss this land?
of course i will
this is a land that i have learned to love
to care and to pray for
but i know that
me alone, its not going to work
for the work here is supposed to be shared among all
young and old
locals or foreigners
God will work through anyone that is willing to let Him do so

i appreciate the short time that i had here
have learned to enjoy every bit of it
the ups and downs
although sometimes it has its disappointments
and not so nice surprises
but i thank God for the people that He has put here
to be able to share among each other
the hopes and joy
the sadness, disappointments, and frustration
and most important
to be able to pray together as a body of Christ

the children?
will definately miss them a lot
cambodians really can pray
the way they pray,
its different
and its powerful
especially when it is done in a group
amazing to see how God's anointing is upon the children and people of this land
strongholds are there
but still
God is doing a great work here
if my God is for me
tell me who can be against me?
amen!!!

thinking of going home does give me the fear..
maybe fear is too strong a word
but a little afraid or sceptical about what is going to happen
first of all,
there is the house things to settle
really need to pray for wisdom to know what to do.
then there is the church
true, i have to share
more than happy to do so
but the responds?
towards what i have to share
and towards me?
suddenly the sense of not belonging creeps in
and also
all the hecticness of my schedule in december
will i still have that same not so close bond again?
will the bond ever grow back?
sometimes i really doubt so
because of my mindset that has changed so much
but im willing to give it another chance
and see whether is it really what i think it is
or is it just me
and there is you
with all the emotions that are growing
how much more can i control?
its getting harder to stay far away

but im happy to know that i will get to meet my darlings once again
its still the same
i know
the good, bad and ugly
but still
they are my darlings
and i love them a lot alot
haha
mixed feelings
with all the emotions
going high and low

second last day here..
so fast
will be going around to say my farewells
i need a big huge bucket
and that 10 rolls of toilet paper in a packet
haha
its going to flood... badly..

caught the flu bug from somewhere..

happy birthday uncle johnny!!!

surprising him with dinner today

am cooking for the whole team

as a birthday celebration for uncle johnny and aunty may

will try to make it as delicious as possible la

garlic toast, spaghetti, honey chicken wings..

totally western

not sure how it would turn out

but if i dont try

i wouldnt know

wish me all the best.

im falling
falling
fallling
into
erm
i
dont
know
where

listening to the voices of the children makes me feel like i dont want to leave them
just when the bond is starting to be so strong
the children are the ones that is the main attracting factor
its true that there are many challenges faced
when one is settled, a bigger one pops out
we thank God for his hand upon us
and no matter how much the enemy tries to interfere
God will always win in the end
all we have to do is just to commit it all in prayer
and trust him fully
and allow him to do what He wants to do in the lives of those involved
nothing much we can do
even if we can,
we have to seek wisdom from God
even small matters
can lead to big huge matters

bgr worshop starting tonight
haha
who would think
that of all people
i would be doing a workshop with the kids
shouldnt call them kids
teenagers would be a better word
they are all grown up
those above 12 i mean
they need to know about love la
the real one
even through they have been so deprived of parental love
dont want them to seek "love" from someone of the opposite sex
just to fulfill that curiousity in them
and end up somewhere else
god knows where
abstinence from sex has to be made known also
in a place where it seems to be so conservative
and yet prostitution, even child prostitution is so rampant

awh.. 9 more days...
so fast la
am rushing on what i want to finish doing here
haha.
when im about to leave,
thats when i start to know how i can contribute
the first month, was just getting involved in everything
settling in
seeing
then when the second month started
i started to see how i could help more
organizing things.
planning things
starting classes for different things
dance, carol,
and now maybe drums?> haha
2 months is not long enough la
actually
doing god;s work
no matter how much time,
its always not enough
am going to have to plan my time wisely
so that i will be able to complete what i have started
i thank God for his provision
in even providing the opportunitieS
for me to get so much closer to the children here
through
activities,
classes
sometimes just being there with them
praise God

to see myself being back there...
with all the responsibilities to bear
wanting at the same time to enjoy my life
but knowing that responsibilities comes first
to do what i have to do
whether the task is assigned or it comes with the person
to follow strictly on what i have said
to be responsible for the words i've said
big big responsibility
but God gives strength and love rite?
to learn to love what i am doing
although sometimes i do wish i can just get out of it
and never have to get into it again
but i know
its something i have to face
so why not just face it for these few years
and get over with it?
learn to love what i am doing
learn to love the distance
learn to love in a way that God wants me to love

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.

Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.


Chorus:Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,(ocean)
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.


Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.

Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Chorus 2x

I am yours.
I am yours.
Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
'Cause I am yours.
I am yours.

do not worry...

had that passage appearing so many times
and yet
when i heard news from home
i was still worrying my head off
until God rebuked me saying
why did you encounter that same passage so many times?

been doing a lot of paper work and typing..
its the 15 th already
i dont want to go home..
can i not go home?
so many more things to do here..
so many more to teach the children
so many more dances to teach the children
so many more songs to share with them
so many more games to play with them

having peanut soup for dinner..
smells delicious
haha
so proud of myself
=)

went to church on sunday.. on the way back, i took a lemo with the korean girls.. we waited across the road at the junction outside the orphanage. i think shaun and kern would know that junction.. and then there was this gila man... he was wearing a hat, with shirt buttons opened, and his pants had a huge tear, exposing his butt... he was looking at people one kind. and we spotted him. so scary. all those waiting at the same place started walking away. we got scared and crossed the road again back to the orphanage side... the worst part.. that crazy man was spotting us. he looked at us one kind. and then he picked up this huge stone about the size of 2 palms.. and was throwing it in the air, aiming it at us. scary gila. was praying and praying. we walked away, walked down the road until he lost sight of us, then only cross the road again to get a lemo. thank god for keeping us safe. so close la.. phew

started dance prac on friday. thank god that the children here at day care are so much better than what i expected. was really praying so hard for them to catch the excitment and be willing to dance for God.. they cannot get the rhythm of the song or the beat or the counting. but their memory is excellent. so much better than so many of us in malaysia. going to have second prac today. aunt lucille is sitting in today. she was a dancer you know.. she will help with cheoreographing here and there. praying for costumes.. we have to sew them because the children are so poor. not all can even afford to have school uniform, what more dance costumes.

carol practise in the orphanage is going well also. thank god. finished teaching all 5 songs. started with ettiquette. the children there have no exposure of any sort. simple things like how they should stand, how they should carry themselves have to be taught. imagine, aunt lucille is trying to get them to go to phnom penh hotel and sunway hotel to sing.. besides going to the houses of christians around phnom penh. yesterday, did how they should come in, intro, and sing and how to say thank you. this coming sunday, will be doing a role play with food , if the hotels and houses do offer. finger food. im going to prepare sandwiches,egg sandwich if possible, if not, probably kaya or peanut butter.. and also a drink. cordial. will mix it. will be leaving drink in a jug. going to teach them how to take the food. how much to take. how to eat them. how to pour drink. how much to pour. how to sit and eat. what to say and what not to say. how loud they should be talking.its going to be a fun exposure class...haha.. blessed bunch of kids. there are 13 children involved in caroling. the young teenagers about 13 to 17 years old.

dance, there is 12 of them. 8 girls and 4 boys. age 10 and above.

been having alot of team meals.. haha.. fun also... aunty may is treating all international team members to a buffet lunch in sunway this sat. combine celebration for her and uncle johnny's birthday. going to get to wear my baju kurung..haha... to a malaysian hotel.. interesting..haha...

dont feel like going back.. its the peak of excitement and preparation for christmas now.. im organizing the carol as well as the dance. there is a local staff in each to translate for me as well as to carry on when i leave.. but it feels like i want to be there to see how it turns out... haha...

my visa is extended till 5th of february.. so if there is any cheap air asia flight.. in january., before i start classes,.. i can probably come back for a few days... 5 days or so.. and bring friends along la.. since im already familiar with the surroundings and what they do here... shouldnt be a problem to adapt back them.. take it as a holiday while working for God... haha..

spent the night in the office on sat. there was this concert somewhere nearby, a few doors away.. untill 1130 at night. crazy.. dad would love it la.. imagine a live band.. with drums, electric guitar, bass, keyboard, and saxaphone playing instrumental "ye lai siang" and all the oldies.. haha.. can imagine the people dancing... aunt lucille said that house has a lot of chinese influence. thats why they have a lot of chinese songs. but i suffered. couldnt sleep tilll 12 +.. the noise is really deafening

feeling like I belong?
after so much of turning around in life and after going through so much of turmoil in life
is this what it really is?
is this what I have been looking for so many years in my life?
it is true that if I hadn’t gone through what I went through
I wouldn’t have known the real meaning of what I wanted
what I was searching for
have I changed over the years
I don’t think so
after so many years
its still the same
you are the one who changed
so much from a person I knew to a person that I didn’t know at all, not even a bit
but its ok
because I have forgiven you long ago
lets just say
I thought it was but it wasn’t
but the idea in my mind is still the same
never changed
my principles and what I hold on to in life is still much the same
maybe now
im slowly finding the courage to trust again
and its going to be something beautiful
if God is in the middle
its something different
so different from what others are doing
but then
its special
very special
the more we stay apart
the more we put our stands out to God and to each other
the closer we get
it’s the waiting that makes it all beautiful
the process of surrendering to God that makes it special
the willingness to let God take control
humans are full of uncertainty
I am not exempted
but still
trusting that God knows what is best
and holding on to the promises that He gives
to His word
and doing what He wants us to do in our lives
God will do what He wants
doesn’t matter whether it is what we want now
but I know and I trust that God has a plan for each of us
sometimes it is no what we want
and it seems to hurt so much
until we cant help asking “why God? why?”
but after going through it
we go through what is called maturity
that’s when God moulds us to be a person more like Him

started dance practice for the children
surprisingly, they are so much better than what i expected..
was praying really hard that they children will feel the excitement in dancing for God like how Miriam danced for God..
was really praying that the joy will be in them.. and they will not feel tired learning dance, or frustrated having to practice repeatedly
thank God..
the children have so much excitement.. their eyes are shining... 8 girls and 4 boys
i feel so blessed even seeing them coming after class for practice..

have been postponing language classes due to the many holidays that are happening here as well as my hectic schedule in teaching the children dance... =)
i miss dancing..haha..

to think of myself going back soon... there is a sense of reluctance... all the bonds built with the people here,the children, the staff, the locals...

pray.. aunt lucille extended my visa till february 2006... she said probably its a sign...ehem.ehem... it is supposed tobe until december only... maybe if dad and mom allows... and if God allows.. i might make another trip back here after new year... somewhere in between 1st and 7nd of january... probably a 5 days stint... and God willing.. bring a team along? i really want to share my experience here with others who would want to experience the same thing.. still praying.. cost of living here is kind of high.. but im sure it can be arranged.. coz God will provide...=)

6.1 cambodia

i had a great time last weekend when my family came over to Cambodia to visit me. Thank God for that time we had to catch up with each other. My family joined part of the ministry here. Thank God for opening our eyes to see the lifestyle of the locals here.

Water Festival here was on last Saturday till Monday. It was really exciting to see the boat races on the river as well as the small stalls set up all along Sisowath Quay. We spend some time travelling around the city during that 3 days to experience the excitement shared by the locals. Imagine having 2 and a half million people gathering at the riverside.

The whole of Cambodia is in the holiday mood this few days. Last Saturday till Monday were public holidays because of the Water Festival. Tomorrow is Independence Day, another public holiday.

Continue to pray for the children here, during the Water Festival, i saw many children collecting rubbish, begging at the streets. and the worst part was when they had to surrender all the collected to an adult. they dont get to keep any of their hard work. some children that were begging around had their limps chopped off. It was really a pitiful sight.

Pray for the police and government authorities here. Bribery is rampant.

Pray for the street children that we are ministering to. Due to the Water Festival, big vehicles were not allowed into the city. We still went to the normal places in a land cruiser. But many children couldnt recognize the land cruiser. Do pray that the children will still come to the bus this week when the bus is allowed in the city.

after some time
many things can and will change
people grow taller, bigger, stronger
or people get older, fall sick, get grumpier
but some things will never change
like how you can say
"its still the same"
things that never changes
some are good
some are bad
but
if its the people i love
i should learn to accept weaknesses
and learn to love back in return

its back to the children now
another public holiday tomorrow
going to the orphanage to just keep an eye of the children there
thought of thinking of a game to play with them
many things that we take forgranted because its just so obvious in our environment is overlooked here
sometimes even simple things like what we are suppose to do at a certain place
simple ettiquettes are not there

my darlings came and went back..
will miss them a lot
these past few days has been like a holiday for me
been travelling around a lot
taking tons of photos
had fun
relaxing

my darlings are coming today
more than excited.
will be heading to the city for water festival this weekend.
boat races and all

all activities in full buzz here..
water festival starts this saturday
and the starting point is here in takhmao where i stay
peddlers are putting up stalls at the riverside,
the crowd is gathering even to see the practices..
interesting sight