today is friday
another week almost gone
im here wondering what is my purpose here in uni
is there more to life than
going for classes
head home
do homework
go out for meals
hang out at the mamak
sleep
study a little once in a while

i was browsing through other people's blogs
it brought back memories
of how we were last time
how we grew up together
all the conflicts we faced
how we settled it
how our friendship developed and grew even stronger from there
but people change
its only a matter of how much or how little
change is not necessarily bad
it can be good also
maturity
such a big word
many hard feelings poured out through words
releasing stress through writing
im not sure where i stood last time in that friendship
i remember being a part of it
but i dont remember me being a significant part of it
no hard feelings on my side la
its just that
i dont remember going through what was said
fading memories of having to witness it happen
but i wasnt in it to taste the bitter ness and the sweetness of it
was this how my teenage life used to be?
i dont remember

argh!!!

argh!!!
i dont know what to say
im so boggled up inside
what am i doing?
tearing up someone slowly?
argh!!!!!!!
i dont mean to
im so sorry
i really am
would it be better if we never met?
im confused
am i running away from something?
am i hiding what im suppose to feel?
am i fearful of admitting to what im feeling?
is it even worth it?
for me ?
go all out for me?
im just another girl
nothing extraordinary about me
why go through all the trouble, pain and suffering?
i cant bear to see him torture himself
he is also god's creation
argh!!!!
i dont know what to say
can i just go up to him and hug him and say
its ok
god will take care of you
nah
it would probably hurt him more to see me
im sorry for putting him in this position
leody knows how much tears came out from his eyes
how many prayers he said
and i know too
im speechless
its not that i dont care for him
i do
but not as much as what he wants?
not now anyway
my heart feels heavy
very heavy
been rather quiet these few days
dont know what to say also
feel like hugging a person and not say anything

love

father
teach me to love
teach me the meaning to love
to be passionate about people you've placed in my heart
to care and be concern about people that are around me
to appreciate the bond and fellowship in christ
to know the true meaning of love
teach me o lord
in jesus name
amen

love is patient
love is kind
it does not envy
it does not boast
it is n0t proud
it is not rude
it is not self seeking
it is not easily angered
love keeps no records of wrong
love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth
it always protects
always trusts
always hopes
always perseveres
love never fails

1 cor 13:4-8

comfort
trust
hope
love

all positive remarks
sometimes i can be so pessimistic
pulling people down all the time
comfort, trust, hope and love is what im looking for
maybe i do have it already
what more am i seeking?
what more am i wanting?

fear

im facing with a lot of fear now
dont really know why
six sense
or its the holy spirit talking to me
1st fear
fear of stepping in something that im not even suppose to be in
im not sure
the more i step in
the deeper i get
2nd fear
fear of not knowing what is going to happen in the future
this is the total opposite of fear no 1
fear no 2 is more of
knowing that im in the right thing
and i dont really know what to expect
its something good
a good fear? is there such a thing?

im not sure how am i suppose to feel now
im all jumbled up inside
dont know what to say
just feel like going up to a person and hug that person
not say anything
words are all tied up inside

sometimes i wish time would stop there right there at that moment
and i could just stay there
no fear
peace and
feel so protected
so comforted
can time stop?

sadly i dont think so
and after that moment
i dont know what will happen
do i fear losing that moment?
its part of my memory now
will it stay?

im back here in sg long
yesterday was fun
took a lot of my stress away
there is where i can be myself
i think
act stupid
make people laugh
here everything is so serious
well
i do have a certain expectations of others of me to be met
what to do
beannie has a friend name leody now
i will really miss everyone there
the life style there
it is back to the hectic crazy life
i woke up todaysuddenly realising that
i need to study
but there are so many other things more to do
how am i to survive?
the more hectic my life gets
the more thankful i am
because i know
i cant do all this by my own strength
but rather
my god is here for me
im grateful

destress

went back to setapak today for the interfaculty meeting
went there with asher and joel around 12
reached wangsa maju around 2.30
had lunch in kl central
then walked to jr...reached there around 2.45
haha
poor dih haw waited at the hostel gate at 3 for me till 330
spent time in jr
interfaculty meeting was in some forest reserve place
played 1 game
and the rain started pouring
went back to setapak
i stayed back to have dinner with everyone else
miss everyone so much
its great to be able to share with them
destress
really pour my heart out to them
talk
i'll really miss them
true friends that i will really treasure

hectic

past few days has been hectic
crazily busy
haha
dance practise every night till past midnight most of the time
same duties
meeting up with lecturers
students
give notes
listen to complains
try to solve them
busy
surprisingly
im actually enjoying the busyness
god is good
he is with me

expectations

living up to expectations are never easy
especially when people know your family members
life here in uni
its fun
but i realise that there is so many things to do
so many things that im suppose to do
or rather what people expect me to do

the more i go on here
the more i realise my weakness
and i cant live on without God

many impressions to create and impress upon people
once the first impression is bad
its bad
but somehow
it doesnt seem to matter that much to me
although many seniors has been telling me that
first im pression is the most important thing
in trying to make yourself known

for me
i dont want the popularity
i just want to be me
maybe thats why
i dont really bother about what people think about it
ignorance you can call it
dont want to pressure myself too much
as long as i've done my best
its enough
to please God
and i suppose thats the most important thing for me
now and in the future

passion

give me one pure and holy passion
give me one magnificent obsession
give me one glorious ambition for my life
to know and follow hard after you

to know and follow hard after you
to grow as your disciple in your truth
this world is empty pale and poor
compared to knowing you my lord
lead me on and i will run after you
lead me on and i will run after you

i need one passion
stirring of my spirit
to know and decide what i want to do in uni
to know where my calling is
i cannot take settling in as an excuse to slack and not do anything
pray harder

maturing?
i feel proud of people around me
but if people around me are maturing
am i suppose to mature even more too?

i see them going through what i went through some years ago
and im proud for the fact that no matter what they are going through
they are holding on to GOd
to me, as long as God is in control
everything will go on as planned
the road may be tough
but strength and comfort comes from Him

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Acts of Service
with a secondary love language being
Quality Time.

Complete set of results

Acts of Service:		10
Quality Time:		9
Receiving Gifts:		4
Words of Affirmation:		4
Physical Touch:		3

Information

went for my first cf here in uni..
they had holy communion
reminded me of the holy communion that we had back then in college
and the dispute among the committee members that we shouldnt be doing it in cf
cf here in uni
its less complicated
denominations doesnt seem to be a problem
some pray in tongues
some lift hands during worship
some dont lift their hands
some pray out loud
some pray in the heart
but everyone is united
because we are serving one God
one purpose one believe
one saviour

then after holy communion, there was sharing by ms angelina and ms esther

ms angelina touched on relationships
one thing that stood out to me :
when god gives, he doesnt give the second best
he always gives the best
but you have to wait

thats what i have been doing
im looking forward to that day
when i will receive my reward
for waiting and
the assurance from god that we will serve him together

then after that ms esther shared about priorities

it surprised me a little of how in detailed she had to share about setting our priorities right
to put GOd in the middle of everything we do
the illustration that she gave
draw a circle imagine it is a wagon wheel
and in the middle of that circle draw a smaller circle
that is the hub of the circle which represents God
there are many spokes linking the hub to the circle
and each individual compartments are to be filled with whats in our lifes
the moral of the story
doesnt matter what is in your life
but without God in the middle it wouldnt work
like how a wheel without a hub will not move

it was a good reminder of my priorities
what i have decided to put first in my life
to remember and hold on to what i've said
god, family, friends, studies....etc..