appearing on tv3 on christmas day to sing carols on Malaysia Hari Ini from 630am till 9am

i was very disturbed by yesterday's sermon by this one statement, "when we pray, we say we give all glory back to god, its actually nonsense"

i felt it badly, because i always say it, and i do mean what i say. the context of the sermon was, we are not really "eligible" to say it because, most of the time, in fact all the time, when everything is smooth sailing, we say that all glory goes back to god, but when things are not going the way that we want, we turn our face away from god. so much for "all glory goes back to god"

i tried talking to the pastor, but i guess. i didnt get a proper assurance from him about the statement. what about those writers in the bible who often say "all glory to God". yes, i know that they went through a lot of trials and it is then when they had the face to face communion with god.

the very essence that disturbed me was, what if there is a genuine sayer of that statement? is it even possible to have a genuine person who really wants to give all glory back to god from the depth of his/her heart? someone who doesnt claim glory even when people think that they deserve a wee bit? have humans changed that much?

before devotion today, i was praying for assurance from god. i realised that many times we listen to sermons and advices from pastors or from elders, but they are the intermediaries. they themselves are not god. and the essence of their advices and sermons rightfully should come from god. i didnt want any assurance from people just to make me feel better. but i wanted god to speak right to my heart, to my whole being. so that when he speaks, i know that it is him and i know what he wants to say.

and the passage was.

2 Timothy 3:14-17 (New International Version)

New International Version (NIV)

14But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it, 15and how from infancy you have known the holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. 16All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 17so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.

To god be the glory.

today's revelation
the passage just struck me

"Luke 17:7-10
serving not out of convenience...
it's our obligation."
-dt-

you want a piece of me boy?

come and fight for it then!

ever had the feeling of being locked up in a tiny room filled with racks and racks of files or books till there is no breathing space and where no one ever comes to visit? each passing day is just a repetition of basic daily needs. each routine day is recorded and added in to the already numerous racks of papers. and that is all.

ever thought of breaking free? running away? calling it over?

its not i think
it a it is
or more like a it has

i think its becoming a habit to self torture

nightmare of the year

imagine all your assignment group members decides to kick you out from the group when the upcoming thesis like project is the major backbone of the whole degree program?!!

crazy?!!

and of all things to dream about, that was the dream i had, 2 nights before my first exam paper.

crazy?!!

secret affair


break free

Temperament

Flexible

Nothing seems to bother you - you sail through life crisis free. It's not that your life doesn't have its ups and downs, it's just that you handle everything without unnecessary drama and antics. You approach each day fresh, not worrying about yesterday or tomorrow. You are confident that you can handle anything that comes your way and experience has shown that you are absolutely right about this.

Interests

Simple

You are continually pursuing a simpler and less complicated life - you don't allow yourself to fall victim to all of the "should do's" that society continually bombards you with. You are thoughtful about your life choices and think in terms of yourself, others and the world in which we live. You have a great sense that we are part of something much bigger and we must be good to others, if we want others and the world to be good to us.

Amusement

Thoughtful

You are easily stressed out and overwhelmed - you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. Because you tend to be self reflective, you know your limits quite well and must remember to not exceed those limits. When you overwhelm your life with obligations and responsibilities, you tend to shut down and go into yourself even further. Take some time to find your serenity and kick back your feet.

Passion

Physical

You are a cuddle bug - from a warm hug shared with your best friend to steamy sex with your partner, you enjoy every bit of human contact that you can get. You demonstrate your love for others most fluidly through physical one-on-one contact and you feel the most loved when you are being touched. You feel disconnected when you are physically isolated from others. You're a people person and a lover of all things human.

self withdrawal syndrome

need time away from people and things to recompose self

social ability : 0

need time to recharge

why
why
do i somehow focus more on the wet blanket than the flames?

im in a rampant shooting mood
whoever who comes into my way

watch out!

or you'll end up with a hole in your body

all fired and geared up!!!!!!
long to do list waiting for me!!!!!

drowning self in pure ignorance

on saturday, christmas night itself
mommy fell and fractured her backbone
please pray along with my family

forgotten me not?
it doesnt matter because its not about me

me forgotten not?
nope. beautiful memories are created by god, meant to be kept and remembered till always

look beyond the surface
you will find love, mercy, grace and humbleness

i bit the inside of my gum
under my cheeks
ouch

i've been having itch everywhere on my body since 1 month ago
but only happens when its dark
someone explain to me?
its not the clothes or place i go to
it just happens suddenly
everywhere
what is happening?

we call the pharisees hypocrites, but in real life, how many of us falls into the same category? somehow in some point in life, we dont do what we say, or things we promise others are totally unachievable, or even worst, put one self in such a positive light and then do not display even a single hint of that expectation or promised behaviour.

i admit. i fall short.

looking back at what i was
what i used to be so passionate about
and now
i think i've lost touch
of what i thought was my gifting
somehow
i find myself a show off today
i dont know why
i feel like
im not humble enough

be nice
i get stepped on and over
many times

so i shall just be mean
and let others learn
or more like
let others do what they are suppose to do
not me being nice and do for them

no such thing

DEFEATED

finally
i feel like a proper neat girl..
haha

right now at this moment
i choose to stand at a corner
and drop tears for the
memories that i found precious
which held me together
but somehow bits and parts are fading away
intentionally and unintentionally

rests on big shoulders
drops tears

little girl doesnt want it to end..

dreamt of wizards again
always seem to have a few fix things that i dream about

one of it is the wizardry world..
even though i pray and pray as hard as i can in the dream
i still lose out to the evil

what will the evil do?
take and control people that i love and care about

at the end of it all
you're still alone

apa yang sebenarnya bermakna
kini telah pun hilang ertinya

aku cuba melupakan
tapi aku tidak berdaya

many things are in my mind
a few prominent pictures
a few thoughts
a few different kinds of emotions
a few memories

what.eva.

i look at them laughing giggling talking smiling joking
i turn back and i see happiness
i think about of myself
how i used to laugh giggle talk smile and joke
it was all fine
until one sudden day when it all fell apart
reason till today i still cant find
only consolation i give is if its not meant to be its not meant to be dont force
relationship falls apart sometimes because it just doesnt work out
i wish i can open my mouth and say that its all short termed
it wont last because its not destined to last
ive gone through it i've seen others go through it
even the strongest ones dont last
probably its just a fake a silhouette of pretends
used to cover a anti - social image or friendless image
its natural
so dont hang in there and believe with your whole entire heart that it will last
because it wont

i dont mix
because
i dont fit

i dont fit
because
i dont understand

i dont understand
because
i dont find it funny

i dont find it funny
because
i find it childish

growling sound of thunder
arising of flood
clouds darkening
lightning flashing

here i am
in the middle of it all
placed in a small shaky wooden sampan
being tossed in the waves
shaking and shivering from the cold
starvation starts

taking up the given responsibility
no emotions attached
its merely actions
done because its assigned

dreaming and thinking
admiring and envying

hard as stone
unbreakable

fear that comes with it
is becoming unbearable

running away from somewhere that i belong
running away from where i grew up in

I can’t take it
What am I waiting for?
I’m still breaking
I miss you even more
And I can’t fake it
The way I could before
I hate you but I love you
I can’t stop thinking of you
It’s true, I’m stuck on you

-SWITCHING BACK TO A MORE VEGE DIET-

2 hearts
showing how its linked together
i used to have this idea that
2 hearts will join into one
but after looking at the pendant for a really long time
i realise that it will never become one
because it was never meant to be one
instead
it stays as 2 individual hearts
beautiful in its own way
but the additional thing added is
it is now linked together
2 of it chained together
not able to take it out
2 individual hearts becoming joined
not as 1 where one heart dominates
but joined in as sense where
each separate heart is able to show its best side
when its linked together

blue-ish black coloured
long big curls
on hair till waist

thought of the day...

for something new to take place in this life
requires change
at the beginning
change happens in the mind
then the body will follow the mind
if the body decides to
but sometimes
the body chooses to ignore after the 1st time
even though that change is registered in the mind
what to do then?

How does it feel like
to experience
death in the family?
to know someone might be leaving
and to know that
there is no more chance to meet that person anymore
because
that person is not going to heaven
but that person
doesnt have the ability to go to heaven
even pastors say that its impossible
prayers for years
doesnt seem to be coming close to true
because
that person
can be considered no longer
to be in the right mind
therefore
doesnt equal to have a chance
to come to know jesus anymore

call me stupid
call me dumb
but you cant call me irresponsible
or even ignorant
i tried
i looked
i spend time
and still
do not understand
nothing else
can i say
or do
to improve

silent and emotionless
just get used to it will you?

i want to run away
to a far secluded place
where no one can find me
a place with trees that has dried up branches
a place where no one sees me
a place where i can call my own world
a place where i dont have to bother about my surroundings

thank you =)
big smile
thank you=)
to you and you

bleh
bleh
bleh
bleh

deep thoughts :
to learn to smile and be nice
when inside its going "rar"
because it could have avoid ruining someone else's day

overflowing with love and sweetness

i tried
but still i dislike
i put in effort
but still i dont understand
i tried to smile
but still i get irritated
i tried to help
but how when im also lost
i tried my best
but still i fail
valid reasons to give up?

im fed up
enough of nonsense
is enough of nonsense

planning
thats the word
to learn to live a fulfilling life
many things take planning into account
even eating
especially
when having mixed rice
how to know how to estimate
how much rice to eat
alongside how much dishes to scoop together?
without planning
the dishes might finish faster than the rice
the consequence
having to eat plain white rice
but on the other hand
if the rice finishes first
then there will be the dishes left
which can be good or bad
good if its tasty and nice
bad is when the taste is choking

some may argue
eating comes naturally
many things comes naturally too
but sometimes
will a little extra planning
it can go very far

thought of the day:

routine stuff is where it really shows whats deep inside
for example
the routine problems that we face in life
it shows the reaction, the solutions we take
and through routine stuff is where god is able to show his power
its true that we do get the highs from experiencing something extraordinary
but then
how long will that oomp last?
not long
because humans forget the awesomeness after a while
and then its back to nothing
but then
if its something that we have to experience and go through daily
then only it will stay put in the long term memory
because at that time it has already formed a part of us

thought of the day:

god gave love
love that surpasses all understanding
love that renews us
love that heals
love that brings hope

but sadly
this love is slowly forgotten
not only in the world
but also in the church

love that has been replaced by outer beauty
by money
by corporate status

love that no longer accepts
love that no longer forgives

is that even called love?
no longer

if looks are all
then what is left for those who dont have it?
if dressing is all
then what about those who cannot afford it?
if impressions are all
then what about those whose inner beauty are hidden?

rejected
left out
left alone

what happened to love that
loves still when all is going wrong
what happened to love that
forgives and forgets
what happened to love that
accepts someone for his/her wrong doing

this kind of love that god put in my heart
is the kind of love that i want to treasure and keep
this love cannot be taken for granted
like how god's love cannot be taken for granted

if god is the one who has taught me to love
if god is the one who put love in my life
if god is the one who loves me more than anything else
i will continue to love those people god put in my life
no matter how tough it gets

fading away
slipping past
overlooked
feeling the tension
knowing the gap
seeing the distance

desire
missing
wanting
longing
fulfillment
achievement
dreams
recognition

humbleness
meek
bowing down
giving in
give away
others
compromising
fitting in

updates of my life

no longer course rep
starting week 6 of second year first semester
playing around
travelling to kl pretty often
sight seeing
got back from indon
studying hard (or so i choose to think)
involved in cf and church
doing tutorials
mamaking
missing people
meeting up with college friends
pasar malam
big huge pimple on nose
disliking computer subject
going to library
storybooks
reading
sleeping
washing clothes
walking around
eating
i love my life
=)

heavy eyes
mind slipping away
eye lids sealing up
mind not focusing
thinking about
pillows
and bolster
and beannie
and blanket
and dreams away...

taking over
workload
challenging
assignments
lazy
hassle
straight forward
people
scary
fast
unsure
you
relaxing
her
stressed up
some
ignorant
others
pretending

people with same characteristics
or so i think
sometimes i do feel for them
like now
feeling really happy for one
and at the same time
feeling concern for another
and
feeling weird for even another person

bonds
that i think exist
but then
i could be wrong
people
that i thought i knew
but then
people do change
attitude
that i thought i understood
but then
i was wrong
explanation
that i could offer
but then
now its all in a mess

i thank god for keeping me safe so far
thank god for people he has put in my life
thank god for blessing mommy with 50 years on this earth
thank god for being so real
thank god for the hope he gives
thank god for teaching me more and more each day
thank god for always being there
thank god for memories of past in my life
thank god for new experiences and challenges
thank god for accepting me as his child

been away for really long
was in indon for mission trip
went to pakam, brastagi and brayan..
had an awesome time
wonderful to feel god at work so powerfully
different experience
went in a group
great knowing everyone much better
will put some photos soon ya

internet in my house is down
had to re apply everything
but its ok la
no big issue

i thank god for bringing me through today
big war happening
but still
god is good
very good

ohya.. learned a couple of new indon christian songs
really simple yet beautiful songs la

classes starting tomorrow again

was packing stuff the whole day
still not really done yet
still need to get a few stuff here and there

planning camp was good too..
beautiful place
it was like a japanese palace
with jap sliding doors
wooden flooring
wooden structures

been learning many things
its like a whole circle
now its back to stuff like
do not judge
or do not condemn
stuff that i really need to learn especially now
and also stuff like do not backstab

been neglecting certain people
sorry..
my bad

i owe kern a day out
because his results improved a lot..

now in cc

sleepy and tired
but holidays has been rewarding la

now its back to finding back the study mood..

status check - fixed

all the trust built up
from the years
now its
shaky

was feeling totally jumbled up
think back
i think its a connection thingy
works both sides

sometimes in life
its best to leave some options not explored

i will not run after you
i will not beg
i will not ask
i will not hold on

all i'll do is just
look at you walk away
with tears in my eyes
i'll take it in alone
all by myself
and silently wish you
all the best

when i read about her
it hit me real hard
tears felt like falling
but somehow it didnt
nothing was formed in my eyes
i felt bad
i felt like i have snatched the most precious candy from a poor kid
i felt like
betrayal is the word
im real sorry
really am
i trusted what he said
i did think about how you would feel
i just didnt know it hit you that badly at that time
im really sorry

something is wrong with me
when there are no tips
i dread studying
but when almost perfect tips are given
i dread studying too
how?

from PRINCESS classes
to PRINCE classes
*grins*
to shape ROMEO
to be the CHARMING PRINCE
*grins again*
from MANNERS
to ETTIQUETTE
covers all
*grins grins*
*big hug*

was just thinking
people that were in my life in college
who really motivated me to study
who were there to study with me
especially my inseperatable twin
the more i think about it
the more i really believe it is
God's intervention

now when im here in uni
its just so different
most people surrounding me
are somehow struggling with studies
some on the verge of giving up
i know i somehow lost the motivation to study
because
there is no one beside me to really back me up
all the time
to pressure me
but at the same time encourage me
and support me

but i thank god for the training..
to know how it feels like to have someone with me
guess its time
to stand on my own feet
this time
no more angels sent by God in human form to push me
but of course
its time
to learn to depend on God Himself

but still...
thanks regina..
=)

papers and memorizing

i dont know how to bermanja
all i know how to do
is to just put my head on your shoulder
and leave it to rest there
*huggles*

finals now..
sober-ness

im speechless
how can some people just be so selfish?
totally out of my mind
totally unexpected
hello
all humans have feelings
what is your freaking probleM?
im pissed..

fall
stumble
but it
strengthens
builds
draws closer

the foundation is laid
now the bricks are coming up
soon the roof will be put on
then the coat of paint
and deco and furnitures
then its complete...

i feel emotionally drained
no emotions
stone
dead

tears..
and more tears
till it floods
and then there comes the second round of flood

12th of APRIL
big big hug..
HUGGSSSs

ask and you will receive
seek and you will find
knock and the door will be open

i remember a pastor talking about how god wants what is good for us
and we should always ask god for what is good

so i asked for a child like faith
and now
its like this whole roller coaster going on in my life

my life is so happening la
always have something on the go

its always either im running all around
or stuff somehow happens around me
revolves around people i know
things i do
things i get myself involved into

i feel like i've been so selfish
always
its just all about me
me and
me
but then
i neglected people around
maybe i exaggerated
but
still
i feel
bad

child like faith?
is it the key?
as in the secret answer?

deja-vu-s are not nice feelings
its freaky
somehow i have the idea
that
the same thing happened
or is happening
AGAIN
because
the last time
it didnt manage to reach its goal
its freaky

sigh
sigh
sigh
sigh
sigh
sigh
i give up
totally
give up
no more la
the end

PISSED

i stood at the window
enjoying the breeze
looking at the clouds that covers the mountains
then the sun came out
and the clouds slowly disappeared into the air

how beautiful is the sight of nature
it gave me assurance that today is going to be another beautiful day
because god made it

the lift doors opened
and ta-dah...
ROMEO appeared..!!!

i cried myself to sleep last night
somehow
tears just flowed
i dont know why
i wasnt sad
but my mind wasnt connected to my emotions,
mind not connected to eyes
and mind not connected to mouth
tears just flowed and flowed like no one business
dont ask me why
i cannot explain
i myself dont understand why

its been ONE year Mr Yap Swee Kee...
sometimes i look into the sky
wondering whether do you get to see what still goes on here on earth
sometimes i think back
praising god for how he used your life to touch so many of us
sometimes i sit down
and remember the day one year ago from now
tears still flow down
sometimes i hear your laughter in my head
it reminds me to press on in life
sometimes i know
life goes on
but i thank god for once having such a wonderful person in my life
life is beautiful

what kind of expectation is that?
im not the benchmark
im also human
and yes...
i am happy
i am contented
when i say it doesnt matter
i really mean it
im not putting pressure on myself
my parents are not
so
dont start going
awh.. you'll do better next time
or
its ok
or
jasmine!! what happened to you?

have i said that
there is NO MORE braces?
=)

numbness

i've been through it before
i can go through this again

never expect myself to dominate
never ever
its something new
not good huh

this is bad
i wanted to type something
but i cannot remember at all
none of it..
how ar?

Welcome Home - Brian Littrell

Genre/Lang. : Christian

When I left home to be who I am
Some people said “no way”
But I laid it all down, gave everything
In my head rang the words that my Father said
You’re never far
I will be where you are
And when you come to Me
I will open My arms

Chorus:
Welcome home, you
I know you by name
How do you do?
I shine because of you today
So come and sit down
Tell me how you are
I know, son, it’s good just to see your face

When I look at you holding my heart
I will give to you all that I have
Son, I know there’ll be times you will feel all alone
I will share with you the words my Father said
You’re never far
I will be where you are
And when you come to Me
You can bet I will open My arms

Chorus:

So I’ll be waiting for that day
Just to feel Your warm embrace
Your love has shown I will never be alone
For You will welcome me home
I’ll forever be, for you will say to me
Welcome home

Chorus:

When I left home to be who I am
Some people said “no way”

god speaks
firmly
silently
but surely

the feeling of insecure

More
by Matthew West
album: Happy (2003)

Take a look at the mountains
Stretching a mile high
Take a look at the ocean
Far as your eye can see
And think of Me

Take a look at the desert
Do you feel like a grain of sand?
I am with you wherever
Where you go is where I am

And I'm always thinking of you
Take a look around you
I'm spelling it out one by one

(Chorus)
I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more

Just a face in the city
Just a tear on a crowded street
But you are one in a million
And you belong to Me

And I want you to know
That I'm not letting go
Even when you come undone

(Chorus)
I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more
I love you more

Shine for Me
Shine for Me
Shine on, shine on
Shine for Me

(Chorus)
I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more

(Chorus)
Than the sun
and the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you, yesterday and today
Through the joy and the pain
I'll say it again and again
I love you more
I love you more

And I see you
And I made you
And I love you more than you can imagine
More than you can fathom
I love you more than the sun
And you shine for me

just a question
destiny?
and signs?
is it really true?
then
does that mean
i do know?
i knew since long ago?
then
what am i doing here?

there are some people in life
no matter how far apart
they are
but still
somehow
hearts are opened to the deepest part
when they meet
or when they talk
or when they just look at each other and smile

mixing up the signs in life
destiny
and a dream
and a path written out

each place
or each person
has a kind of smell
i know
i may sound weird
but it really does
its the kind of smell
that brings back memories
of days and months and years
of being at that place
or just being with that person
that unique smell

and i can smell it now

letting go
of certain things in life
that i feel like doing so

dont think its a neccesity
so what if it boosts image
or gives recognition?

im getting tired
very tired
doing stuff
just to please others

can i just let it go?

for a moment
i thought i wouldnt be blogging anymore
because
i wanted to get rid of all the weird thoughts
and weird emotions
but then
didnt last long
haha
some how
its still there

emotions can be really misleading also huh..

its not my life
i have no right to interfere
no right to demand
i failed
i know
am feeling it badly now
i apologize
i'll leave you alone
i wont demand anymore

sometimes its back to the matter of trust
trusting even when
feeling insecure
trusting even when
there's no response
trusting even when
its not what it seems to be anymore

i've fallen
i've taken a step forward
to pull back
would mean sorrows?
heartaches?

my stands?
my choice?
its my life isnt it?

but then
i know i have to follow
that's a choice also huh?

does that mean i get to
choose what i want to do?

i choose you
but its subject to conditions too huh
if others dont
do i still do?

i dont know
pleasing all is so hard to do
please all
end up not pleasing self

do i live for myself?
then where does he come in?
never?
can not
i dont want..

the meaning of
love
is?
i know
yet i dont know
geesh
im so lost..

values
things i used to hold on to
suddenly lost them

trapped
in my own emotions

honour and obey
what is wrong with me?

the more is disclosed
the more is revealed
the more i see
the weaknesses in me

how am i suppose to compliment you
its so much of you fitting in to me
i feel like i've done nothing
and still am doing nothing, nothing at all

i dont know what to do
dont know where to start
dont know how to understand you
dont know what you need

im so full of ignorance
and arrogance
suddenly i feel lost
i feel like i dont know myself anymore

two worlds
is that how it will always be?
none bothers to step over

comfort zone
thats where each belongs

awkwardness

do i try?
i dont know
its such a big step
i guess im just afraid
to be looked down

what if im ignored?
like how i already am
im afraid

feeling grumpy
real grumpy

danced the whole night through
under the candlelight
smiles

box
diamond
twirl
the whole night through

priorities
jamming my head
doing many things
other things seem to be more important
or should i say
more interesting
catches my attention more
all
except
for one

the distance
sweet
and
simple
and nice
keep it that way

the feeling
of walking past
my life
as i see it unfold in front of me
brings a sudden
heaviness
all that i went through
places where it happened
i sob
tears flow
in my heart
dont ask why
i cant explain

expectation
from me
but i am only human
and it wasnt even
my fault
ok
fine
i know i shouldnt point fingers
demanding
im not paid
its just out of obligation..
ah..
i need to really learn
humbleness
i guess
its just
something i have to face in this
rigid world
but thats when
god's goodness
is show
huh?
tears
its just like
i didnt do it
but im taking the blame
and it
hurts
somehow
somewhere

slumberness
reluctance
ignorance
dependence

its so easy huh
i could have just said
its not on my own strength
but on the strength that comes from God
but instead
i chose to keep quiet

teary eyes
puffy eyes
red nose
sob

its a yes
no more hanging around la

many things
we have a choice to look ahead or not
life
is actually the same for all
live
and then
die
doesnt matter
how rich
how poor
how young
how old
which race
what family background
knowing so
what are we going to do?

it takes things to happen
to know the importance of certain things
or person
or values

the feeling of knowing
its all under control
is something so reassuring
let it be
surrender it unto God
to let things happen in His time
in His will
many times
i wonder
or we wonder
what will happen
how do you know
how can you be sure
but i guess
god speaks
i pray
he speaks to both
not only one
in his own sweet time
i guess
that is the most beautiful thing that can happen
in a relationship
to let god be in the middle of all that happens

yes and no
i guess there is no in between
its either its yes
or no
no other meaning

im going on a date tomorrow...
hee..

things i want
things i need
things i have to do
things i have promised
priorities
but
but
but
i guess
its still
i dont know

can i say
i dont know?
i really dont know
im stuck
really stuck
how?

flash backs
of
words
people
things said
things i read
things i said
things i sounded so confident of
words i used
stuff i promised
hope i gave
disappointments i might give
the eyes of others
the way others might treat me
dreams
hopes
fears
all coming in at once

timing
there is always a time to do something
am i rushing?
am i pushing it too much?

the heart and the mind
is two seperate entities
sometimes
both goes along together
sometimes
it doesnt
but when it doesnt
thats when
a big
personal inner conflict happens
one says one thing
the other says another thing
so what is to be done?
to follow the mind
or to follow the heart?

the more i expect
the more i get disappointed
sometimes
without realising
i expect a lot from certain people
its my fault
how come i never learn that
no one is perfect
disappointment just sinks in so badly sometimes
why cant i just expect less?
what is wrong with me?

after all the zooming around
at the speed of the rocket
tiredness sinks in
too the extreme
but
i am constantly reminded
of the strength that comes from
no other but God
for without Him
where would i be
amazing huh
the supernatural strength
that sustains me
day by day
never failing
and that supernatural strength exceeds the physical strength
by the hundred or even thousand folds

falling a little bit sick..
i think
its the sick season

surprises
surprises
hugs

herbal chicken soup!!!

geliness
haha
but sweet altogether
but that doesnt take the geli part away

proposal + acceptance + consideration = deal

i feel so bad
and so guilty
life is just so precious
one blow
one crush
and its gone
just like that
no more second chance
im sorry
i am really sorry
i really didnt mean it
i didnt mean to do it on purpose
sorry
can you hear me?
im sorry
to your family members
im sorry too..
rest in peace mr snail...

1 step forward
1 step back
but its ok
look ahead
look beyond what is happening
look to what is going to happen
look to god

stomach cramps again
maybe its the food
maybe its my body
hmpp...

its like seeing my prayers coming true one by one
pray when we meet
the topics of discussion
the maturity in making decisions
the path that we choose to take
wow
prayers made since i was young
guidelines that i have set since i was a teen
and its becoming true
one by one
praise and glory be unto god..
amen

speak to both
not one
and god is awesome
same messages
go across to both
through same songs
sometimes
through different passages
but the same message
wow
i stand in awe

break the limitation set by the human mind
do not be afraid
i know you are afraid of the future
but do not be afraid
i am here with you

i think i freaked him out
had this sudden cold attack
was drinking water
enjoying the breeze
then he said i turned pale
really pale
and i know my head was spinning
the want to faint kind of feeling
oops..
me is weak
i know

have mercy on her
if she did something wrong
help her to be able to identify and repent
have grace on her
do not let her die
do not let me lose her
thank you for putting her in my life
commit her into your hands
in jesus name
amen

this is freaky
sudden cold shivers
dizziness
bad hair loss
and stomach cramps
see a doctor?
this never happened before
not before i went to cambodia
spiritual attack?
or is it my body giving way

im excited
hehe
giggles
laughs
smiles
im happy
grins
shows teeth

have to start studying...
been really busy.
know what i have to do
but ah..
spell it
l-a-z-y
or maybe its more like
l-a-t-e-r l-a
then it becomes
t-o-m-o-r-r-o-w l-a
then after that its
n-e-v-e-r-m-i-n-d l-a
oh no...

wedding bells chimming..
imagining the emotions of the bride and the bridegroom
our plan?
big wide smile

i walk by faith and not by sight
sometimes it seems to be so hard
to just leave things into God's hands
and let Him do what He wants to do
because that means breaking us down
in whatever ways is the best
and most of the time
we dont see the ending point
because we are so caught up with us
with what we think
with what we feel
that sometimes along the way
where God is moulding
we give up
because we forget what was our primary purpose
which is to do what He has planned for us

he asked her, "what if i die?"
he knew he might not have many days left to live.. all the days that he had, were all because of God's grace... Deep down in him, there is the fear of not waking up again, not being able to be there for her anymore, not being able to hear her voice that never fails to cheer him up and make his day.. he fear losing her.. but he knows that he has to convey the message to her.. she has a right to know.. and what she chooses to do with her life or with them after she knew.. that was up to her to decide. but he had to let her know his condition

it took him tons of courage to tell her, because he knew that her tears will drop.. for him... and when she cries... he feels the pain more than she does.. he wants to take it all away for her.. sometimes he says, let me be the one who is feeling all the pain, not her.. but now, its a big dilemma for him.. how long more will he be able to take away her pain? how long more can he be there for her? how long more can he be there to hold her hand? to loan his shoulder for her to cry on, rest on. how long more can he be there to hug her and tell her that is all going to be alright?

as for her, her mind paused at that question... deep down in her, she was shouting out loud... i cant live without you.. you cannot die.. you cannot leave me alone.. there are still many more things that we want to do together remember? so many more places to go, people to visit, so many more dreams to achieve together... but if you die.. it will all go to pieces... pieces that one day will be recollect by her again to be stored in a secure place in her heart..

if you die... i will cry... i will sob.. i will be heartbroken.. i will walk through all those places that has pieces of you in them.. i will go back to every single place we went together.. i will recollect back all the memories i have with you.. and keep them deep down in my heart... i love you...

i want to be there for you
can i?

its unavoidable huh?
after so many years of experiencing that some how similar situation
thats my conclusion
i think its more relevant here than at home
so what if im different
so what if i cant speak chinese as fluent as you do
so what if i cant speak other dialects like you do
its not that i cant
i think
i can
but i erm..
its not my first language
put it that way
so that is causing me to not fit in as much as i want to?
sigh
i suppose i just have to accept it
that i will not be really accepted by everyone huh
talk about biasesness
and i will always end up with my own clique of friends
who speak the language that i do
who uses the same kind of expression
well.
at least along those lines
did i try?
i did
i always do
and i still am
but if the results are that discouraging
should i even continue?

first day was a slight blunter...
blur me
copied the wrong time table
wrong time at least
haha
so i was all ready to go to the photostating shop
texted all my class reps
and then i had replies like
"eh, 130 or 1130?"
or "class starts at 12 leh, so how ar?"
oops... me bad
so it was a rush
rush
and more rush
zooming all around my house, the shop, the campus
but thank god
managed to get all things done on time
managed to pass messages that i needed to
managed to get people to do stuff
haha
so prayerfully it wouldnt be so busy after this week
and ohg
thank god for that bonding time
illegal gathering
haha
thank god that im slowly fitting in
=)
thats really important huh

disappointed
slighty a little more than a little
was building up to a climax
all the excitement
enticipation
preparation
then
pooh
no more
help me to trust that its god's will
help me to believe that its all for our good

i am tired
so very tired
tired till im not talking
judging on the amount of words
i have spoken since i came back from cambodia
today is really silent
almost totally silent
haha
can you tell how tired i am?
floating around
not able to walk in a straight line
this is not very good
used up all of my brain juice already
no more energy left to even talk
or do any other thing...

to choose what to do.
this or that?
or what?
dont do anything?
do everything?
do what i can?
what can i do?
what should i do?
yes or no?
agree or not to agree?
let go?
take control?
take things into my own hands?
settle things?
is it being kind?
or the other way around?
what will the effect be?
what will others think?
what will the consequences be?
am i prepared for it?
can i take it?
can i handle it?
can i take the tension?
can i take the stress?
am i that strong?
am i able to do it?
but what does God say?
what does He want?
from me?
from this whole issue?
from all those involved?
from all that is happening?
from all the lessons?
from all the hardships and persevearance?

why?
emotions all boiling up
dont know what to do
its like a knot
stuck just there in the middle
lost
not knowing what to do
i know i have to untie the knot
in order to free myself
but if i pull the wrong string,
the knot might just get tighter and tighter
and i might not be able to just untie it altogether at the end of the day
so which is the right string to pull?
how would i know the strength needed to pull that certain string
ah..
i dont know
i really dont know

back to where i am suppose to be
a bit excited
a bit scared
a bit nervous
a bit dont know what to expect
a bit afraid of the workload
a bit afraid of who to choose for assignments
a bit reluctant to go back to the study routine
a bit happy for having streamyx again
a bit of itchy fingers at seeing jored again
a bit of a bit
makes up bits of what i am
bits of what i feel
and bits of what i am going through
that makes up a whole bite of me?

what has gotten into me
so sorry
for all the commotion caused
im smiling now ya
thanks for being there
listening
comforting
i know
its hard when its far
but you are doing a great job
thumbs up for you
smiles