i learned to let go. of what i cannot control. and let god take control.


that's still the best huh.

there is always a struggle between how much of a christian to be and the matter of survival

im lost in the struggle again.

on one hand. the frustration builds up. and the blame just somehow shoots around at everyone. maybe if everyone pitched in and we're still stuck at this level its pretty bearable. to add on, there is the continuous comparison on performance. the issue is, if the fear was anticipated and if there was this spirit of comparing, on what basis is the effort missing? im alright if others claim the credit. but im not alright with slacking attitude and yet feeling inferior.

but on the other hand. the religion matters pops up. what am i going to do with this frustration? vent it tell it out and get over it? or make another huge issue with it? be selfish? be arrogant? advises are not quite heading the religion way as much as i would like it to be. but then and again. what is my stand?

i dont know. i really dont know. someone bring me away off to a wonderful holiday. even if its for a day. i'll be greatful. just to take my mnd off this stress.

stepped out to see a different perspective of life

but when i step back into that circle, the courage and the boldness disappears

to speak or not of what i foresee?

he proposed.

but he said, no rush to give an answer.

i'm flabbergasted!!

i thank god for people around me who remind me that i am loved.

zooming around .

dont even have time for myself.

what more for you?

straying far.

reasons listed as.

broken promises

guilt

and feeling undeserving.

of all, i should have known and expected.

but now as of today.

im lost.

and frustrated.

a busy day with stuff to do is much better than a free day with nothing to do

wanting to help.

thought i did try.

but when the end result is still the same.

i have to keep telling myself to not let go.

the idea of. wanting. and waiting. is unlimited.

after we get something. we want something else.

the downfall of man

dreamt about you. the slim tall lanky person i once knew years back
you were. wanting to come back to me.
you said. you changed. for real this time.
i was still skeptical
but you insisted on giving you a chance to prove yourself.

woke up.

knowing that one waits and hopes
while the other flies off and never returns

ouch

i imagine

company, laughters, jokes

but reality

shows grievance

and i start to think. why do we even love?

what would it be like if one day. there's no you?

will i be lost?
will i miss the voice that i've become so familiarly accustomed to tune in to?
will i sob and cry with no shoulders or chest to lean and wet with my tears?

its at the point when i think i've nailed it that i realise im actually miles away from the destination

i need someone that i will still cherish and have feelings for after such a long time of communication void

i told you before, if we didnt make it, i would get married fast. im tired of the dating game

i didnt think that i would walk down the aisle with you, lets call it off

i dont understand him. and im not doing anything to understand him. and i call it off.

i needed to find who i am

depressing codes and statements i've heard, recollected over these few days as i think about how come relationships fail. and its depressing how some statements, could be avoided from the very beginning if only. if only the proper mindset was set right from the beginning.

heartaches are the worst things to go through. a relationship is equivalent to nuturing emotions. to have emotions broken down and taken away. its painful.

how certain quotes by meant to be forgotten people stays on and never fades

unintentional lost

noticable grumpiness oozing out

the line between admonishing and integrity

between wanting to change a person and holding back thoughts

between knowing the overall situation, the disagreements, the tensions and still being neutral

habitually cocooned.

Reminiscing the times where talks were long and pleasant
Remembering the times we prayed till we cried just for you

I do miss those times

Now we're all left wondering
Will you ever return, will we ever regain this friend

Once in a while, my heart still grieves for the past and longs for reconciliation

resistance just to prove a point.

being rebellious because of a disliking

selfish for allowing only self to go against

looking out the window of life

clips of happenings

words sharp like the sword

yet i still sit here as an observer

unable to link thoughts with words

The world is so real. The link to money is so real. The temptations to money is so real.

Seeing how people make choices when related to money, seeing how many would forgo what they never see as precious. just for the sake of that little extra money. not that they need it. more to they want it.

i grieve for them. the ones left behind, would probably feel the hurt of training up and grooming them up, only to receive the reward of them leaving for a better financial alternative.

but as real as the world is, the bible seems to be even more real. as how it counters the whole issue of money and treasures on earth. it shows that god knows what he is writing about. so what if we do accumulate wealth and more wealth on this earth? is it worth it to leave behind people who truly care and who genuinely are concern about you just for the sake of money?

it is still a big issue. but at this point. i thank god for giving the peace and the assurance that he'll provide. just like how he has always been providing for my family.

the whole idea about finances and survival.

one is where. money is important. very important. its the mode of survival. when given a choice of amount. the bigger amount would appeal more. the main concern is on survival. supporting one's life, one's family.

not that there is anything wrong with putting money as something important and essential in life.

the other is where, not worrying about what to wear or eat tomorrow. but instead. have faith that god will provide. it takes actions more than words to take the first step into that level of faith, but the burden is there but somehow the worry is not.

it takes away a huge heaviness on the shoulders i would say. the problem is there, but the joy is there too.

16th September 2008 – 4.10 am

It breaks a person’s heart to see another grieve. The mourning, the sorrow, the silent sob, the wailing, sometimes even the self blame and self punishing, is enough to make another silent and immerse in the pain itself.

Perhaps god is saying, my child, it hurts me to hurt you as well. But this whole episode is much needed so that you will learn and come closer to me. I know its painful, but take it as a how a father disciplines his child. The child may not comprehend why the father did that if he loves the child enough. However, there is always a bigger connotation leading to every action done by our father in heaven.

I remember one incident where he had to go through the death of close ones to be able to understand what it means to grieve, and this went on to be his ministry, of encouragement.

Whatever it is for you, I pray that our Lord will keep you safe in his loving arms in these times of bereavement.

happy birthday to you. if you can hear me. do still miss you tons.

yet another emotional parting

the look on both their faces
the kiss that he blew to her after he got down the car
the way she looked at him as the car drove away
with him at the roadside and with her in the car
the tears the trickled down her cheeks with the moving of the car

he said : im sorry for leaving in a rush without having a proper good bye. is it ok with you?
her only reply was : i 'll get used to it in a matter of time

partings are heartbreaking.

not a fan of dili dally guys.

soak myself in tears for a day
look ahead and takes a deep breath

its not so bad after all. smiles.

only have myself to blame for the whole mess

to love is to let go.

to drown one's self in things of distraction

what will be left when changes happens?
what will be left when water solidifies and turns into a different form?
what will be left when all that matters seems lost?
what will be left when gentle whispers loses itself in the rushing wind?

for a person to change just because he/she was asked to, just to please the other party, i used to think its an impossible life changing transformation

for a person to change, stemming from a personal desire for self improvement, i used to think the change will last.

but now i am confused. what i thought could be. isnt turning it like what i expected. and what i thought was never possible, seem to be the all happening ongoing process.

when all seems up and well
and because of one small disagreement
the whole communication disappears

unfathomable

affections? im lost by the thought of affections being put to death.

and if we know that the pain caused will be so great. then why still have affections? wouldnt it be better to restrain and to avoid?

im falling into that category of thoughts

was thinking again yesterday on the matter of how much to trust god

had this life example in front of me, where one chose to put god first, even in terms of relationship and when or what not to go after a person.

the other, chose to take things into his own hands, and went after the person. but am now facing a lot more other complications and troubles. struggling between drawing the line and yet being distracted by other people coming into the picture

both have waited for years. and after years of waiting, they each chose their own ways to go about.

this illustration added on to what i have been thinking, on how christ like should we be? on one hand, there is the times when people will take things into their own hands and say, god lead me. and on the other hand, there are people who totally rely 100 % on god.

today's devo spoke to me.

Haggai 1:2-7 (New International Version)

2 This is what the LORD Almighty says: "These people say, 'The time has not yet come for the LORD's house to be built.' "

3 Then the word of the LORD came through the prophet Haggai: 4 "Is it a time for you yourselves to be living in your paneled houses, while this house remains a ruin?"

5 Now this is what the LORD Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways. 6 You have planted much, but have harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it."

7 This is what the LORD Almighty says: "Give careful thought to your ways.

In behalf of a loving God, Haggai urged his neighbors to give careful attention to what had happened. He noted the priority they were giving to their own comforts and wanted them to observe how dissatisfied and empty they still were.

it gave the assurance of which path i am to take. =)

it takes someone who has gone through the similar level of misfortune to understand well how another who is going through is feeling.

its an irony.

the more doesnt know how to appreciate what they have. if they dont realise that they are being blessed with having more.

many times, the more dont know the agony of those having less. and the more just gives away what they have without thinking twice. without thinking of the consequences, without thinking about what others want but lack.

perhaps that is the main essence of what the bible meant when it said woe to the rich, the happy.

we need education that comprises not only what the scholars dictate but rather, education that comes with application and maturing of the mind.

but is that really happening in this society?

my heart aches for the shallowness of beings especially those who are unable to grasp the heart knowledge of what is taught and meant to be learned.

zoom zoom zoom zap zap zap

get in

feel all proud and in their own world for the first few months

and after that, to dig deeper and find out that it is only surface based

when problems and difference appear, there is no foundation to rely back on

what becomes of them then? disappear into thin air like how it started from thin air? or just keep throwing all question marks under the carpet where it is like a black hole but with a limit.

and when it reaches the limit, poof! there goes.

which girl doesnt feel all giddy getting wooed by a guy?
and which guy doesnt feel all cloud nine woo-ing a girl?

feelings links to the big picture of emotional engagement
but if decisions are based solely on emotions, it becomes irrational

being overly concern

only to realise that there is nothing that i can do as much as i want to help

but in the midst of all, i am reminded that god can do the impossible

its a matter if how much we want to let god do the work

the crossroads between yes and no, to leave or not to leave
the suspense that lingers with it, be it excitement or dread
the suffering of left hanging, with no certain answer to indicate yes or no
the pain of waiting, just to hear a confirmation

add it all up

if the expected answer is yes, maybe the wait is not that painful
but if the expected answer denotes a negative, the wait is enough to kill

but then again, waiting is never easy. always easier said than done. it takes a go through-er to fully understand the emotions of going through them

climbing on to strive for what is expected.

with the difference of being sidelined to learn from those who are in the straight forward process of learning

discrimination to a certain extend but i guess its a test of determination towards wanting to learn and to excel

thoughts on long distance

i remember the times before we went long distance when i would stick to him like uhu glue. wanting to be with him at all times, as much as i could. to the extend of taking the public transport for 5 hours back and flow just to have that 2 hours together

i remember doing all the silly things back before long distance so that i have something to treasure and to always remember when he was going to be so far away.

i remember appreciating all the minutes and seconds we had together because i knew that it would be hard to come by when we went long distance

when long distance actually started,

the first few days was tough. all the we ever thought and imagined and joked about, came true. the challenges, the attention that we needed from each other but we were far away, even the wanting to hold hands. it was tough

but now as we enter into the 4th month of being far away, we're adapting pretty ok. there's the phone and the internet. people say that all the time. but going through the process personally, its hard to say that there is always the phone and the internet, nothing beats personalized face to face interaction. but when the first choice is not available, the second or the third choice is well appreciated.

the days when we meet each time each month, becomes so precious. cut down on sleeping just to have a few extra minutes or hours with each other. these days are much anticipated and counted down each month.

the wish would always be, time pass faster till we meet, and when we do meet, pass slower so that we will have enough time with each other. but then again, nothing is ever enough, especially when there is so much to share and to catch up with. and it has to be crammed up in those few hours we have together.

looking back at my past postings, i noticed i was so much more descriptive back then. but now when i write, somehow, the actual incident that happened is narrated silently behind the words that i choose to fit in or portray.

something to do with growing up and learning to filter what is shown to the rest and what is kept to self?

beams. im proud of him.

people wont know the importance of having little and appreciating little and living all out for that little bit

if they dont understand what is little in the first place

last minute feelings of to go or not to go

random :

someone people can just be so self centered till its scary. everyone has to give in. but they dont get a least respect in return.

humans live for unevitable truth which is to die

the most important thing is how have we used this one life that was given to us? did we make it count? did we shine as what jesus asked us to?

to Gideon's family,

May God's peace be with you.

cuteness overflowing

rolling around like shinchan?

he was rubbing the palm of his feet against her jeans

looking at her with his best put on puppy eyes

he asked her

"what do you say if we go on a testing period of 1 month?"

he knew he was looking for someone to fill in her place, and he knew she was looking for the same thing too.

he knew too that he had the charms to make any girl fall. he had the looks, he had the mannerism. he had what it takes. he knew how to get through a girl's heart. he had it all. and he knew how to use all of these to his advantage

look straight ahead
dont lose focus on the ending point

made in sets? or in groups?

when a person that i've been praying for, for that person to understand a concept or to apply a knowledge,

come to realise the in depth knowledge and application of WHAT i have been praying for, it is a pure joy.

just like this time, i say to myself, maybe it was not in vain.

i thank god.

headless chicken running around.

staying quiet. feel. this shouldnt be the way. feel. leaders should know what to do and do it. feel. like headless chicken running around.

No other foundation can anyone lay than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ.
—1 Corinthians 3:11

in situations where christ is the foundation, no matter how the winds blow and the earth shakes, the foundation stays.

was approached to start a band for CZone under Ecclesia. im interested. but at the same time am aware of what i am putting myself into. its going to be interesting. with people from different nations playing music together. yet,i was reminded by mommy that i am in my final year and there are a lot of commitments already without having to take up extra stuff along the way.

i remember the days when i could proudly say i am a part time student and a full time god server. the times when because i didnt know where to do and what to go to serve god. i told god, whatever comes my way, if ic an do it, i want to do it for God. thats how i got involved in Christmas night, in serving in Kajang church. have i grown? by the tons!

seniors from uni were telling me about how they felt desperate when they realised they were graduating soon, and there is so little time left for them to do something for Christ. I'm glad for that desperation. thats when we want God. and thats good.

back to serving. its about passion and commitment.

"what do you think of a 1 to 2 months backpacking trip to europe? you rough it out, plan your own journey. take it as a reward or a compensation for not going overseas to study."

im still in an elated state. i love my daddy!!!

for the times you stood by me
for the times you lend your shoulders
for the time you sacrificed to be with me
for the long distance travels just to have a date
for the love and care
for the laughter
for the times you stayed up to fill in for my lack of creativity
for the ideas you had
for the prayers together
for the prayers for me
for the plans of having a future together.

happy 18th =)

filtering what is heard.

drama days as how he calls it. i do thank god for the young and reckless teenage days which i proudly say had formed part of what i am today.

the people, the events, the emotions. the occasions. the observation.

is the end outcome important? maybe, but i guess not as important as the whole process.

intentions

intentionally touched and rubbed her hands with his hands. why? to take advantage of her? she stared at him, he let go saying sorry superficially.

jerk.

so what if he's hot and charming or so he thinks? so what if people go for his classes because they have silly crushes on him? so what if other girls willingly allow him to touch them and giggle their heads off when he does that?

jerk.

intentional? yes i believe so.

its another bad missing day. emotions are meant to be vented.

telling myself to take charge of time given to me.

having a business model presentation this saturday in city harvest. got into the semi finals with yunnyuan as my teammate.

its a clumsy day. i keep spoiling other people's properties when i use them. no good no good.

and i keep spilling my food. oh dear. butter fingers.

been having some weird chills from time to time. it can get rather scary sometimes. but the peace comes when i pray in jesus name against that feeling. its interesting to see god's power. =) many spiritual things happening around, but i do believe that all things do work out for the good of those who love Him. and all things happens for a reason.

God is real. =) i proudly testify that.

current craving:satisfied

im going to miss him. he came all the way from penang because i wanted to see him. how much sweeter can he get?

each hour is precious. i thank god as i count the number of hours we had together.

current craving: fried food

2 Corinthians 4:7-18 (New International Version)

7But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. 12So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

13It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken."^[a]With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, 14because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. 15All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

16Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

current craving:ying yong

And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity
Colossians 3 : 14

the thought that came about was on love. everyone deserves love. everyone yearns for love. the only difference is the source of love, some yearns for love from their parents, some from siblings, some from relationships, some from religions, some from peers, some from any source

but the underlying issue is we all need love. we all want love. but many times we think of the context of love only within those around us. like our peers, or people we see. the question here is what about those who we perceive to be undeserving or people that we neglect to notice?

im talking about the underprivileged, the sick, the poor, the beggars, the prostitutes, the abandoned, those suffering from natural disaster. do they not deserve love too? or even more love because of what they are going through?

current craving:agar agar

he came and left again. this time it was for about 48 hours in total. =) back to waiting and anticipating and living out each other's lives to the fullest until we meet again.

current craving:vietnamese fried spring rolls

i wonder if being ignorant till the extend of being disliked is something that unnoticeable or is it just plain 100% ignorant even at the expense of others sacrificing for you all the time?

current craving:

Isaiah 25:1-9 (New International Version)

Praise to the LORD

1 O LORD, you are my God;
I will exalt you and praise your name,
for in perfect faithfulness
you have done marvelous things,
things planned long ago.

2 You have made the city a heap of rubble,
the fortified town a ruin,
the foreigners' stronghold a city no more;
it will never be rebuilt.

3 Therefore strong peoples will honor you;
cities of ruthless nations will revere you.

4 You have been a refuge for the poor,
a refuge for the needy in his distress,
a shelter from the storm
and a shade from the heat.
For the breath of the ruthless
is like a storm driving against a wall

5 and like the heat of the desert.
You silence the uproar of foreigners;
as heat is reduced by the shadow of a cloud,
so the song of the ruthless is stilled.

6 On this mountain the LORD Almighty will prepare
a feast of rich food for all peoples,
a banquet of aged wine—
the best of meats and the finest of wines.

7 On this mountain he will destroy
the shroud that enfolds all peoples,
the sheet that covers all nations;

8 he will swallow up death forever.
The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears
from all faces;
he will remove the disgrace of his people
from all the earth.
The LORD has spoken.

9 In that day they will say,
"Surely this is our God;
we trusted in him, and he saved us.
This is the LORD, we trusted in him;
let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation."

Long before the discovery of penicillin, other silent killers were at work saving lives by destroying bacteria. These silent killers are white blood cells. These hard workers are God’s way of protecting us from disease. No one knows how many invasions they have stopped or how many lives they have saved. They receive little recognition for all the good they do.

The Lord gets similar treatment. He often gets blamed when something goes wrong, but He seldom gets credit for all the things that go right. Every day people get up, get dressed, drive to work or school or the grocery store, and return safely to their families. No one knows how many times God has protected us from harm. But when there is a tragedy, we ask, “Where was God?

how can a person say "i know and i understand" unless that person went through the same or similar situation?

and if that person has not, based on what does he or her say "i understand"?

by just being mere listeners, it doesnt give the same experience as the personally going through the whole experience from beginning to the end.

no, in the end, it will stay as a personal experience, unable to be expressed through words.

current craving: meatballs

honesty

being true to yourself?

being honest to others?

hiding behind a mask?

and after some time, tiredness comes in, because its not the real person. the real person is bursting to burst out, but the outer person stops the inner person from showing. and that takes up a lot of energy. when the energy runs out, tiredness comes in.

If there were no words
No way to speak
I would still hear you

If there were no tears
No way to feel inside
I'd still feel for you

And even if the sun refuse to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart
Until the end of time
You're all i need
My love, my valentine

All of my life
I have been waiting for
All you give to me
You've opened my eyes
And showed me how to love unselfishly

I've dreamed of this a thousand times before
In my dreams i couldnt love you more
I will give you my heart
Until the end of time
You're all i need
My love, my valentine

La da da
Da da da da

And even if the sun refuse to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart
Until the end of time
Cuz all i need
Is you, my valentine

You're all i need
My love, my valentine

faces

faces of different people at different occasions shows different emotions and expressions
learning to cope with the changes in faces

second chances

if people screw up, do they get second chances? and if they get second chances, will it be the same as the first chance they get? what will the society think of them or that particular person? what will be their lives like being the talking stock of the society. and if they do get second chances, is it worth it? is it worth it to go through all the struggles? its kind enough to have people who gives second chances, and still talks good about you. but in the end, the guilt and the consequences, is it worth bearing? or would it be a better choice to just live in self suffering in a secluded place, away from people, away from gossips?

its a happy day!! coz god made this day... there's this sunday school song.. not sure if you've heard it before.. it goes something like that

It's a happy day
and I thank God for the weather
It's a happy, happy day
and I'm livin' it for my Lord
It's a happy day
and things are gonna get better
Cause I'm livin' each day with the promises in god's word.

reminds me a lot that.. god made our days... and we should be glad.. and rejoice with the moment.. not sulk when things are down.. for the joy of the lord is my strength.. =)

I realized. It’s tough to try to love someone that you know doesn’t like you in the first place. And it doesn’t help when that person, does all kinds of funny things all the time to make you not like them even more. And I am also reminded that on this earth, not everyone will like you the way you want them to.

And so, what can we do about that? Ignoring is an option. But it doesn’t make things better. Confrontational approach is another option. But it takes guts and maturity for the other party to accept and change.

What if in this case. The other person has been that way all the while since birth because the different background and environment allows for that kind of behavior? Sad to say, that particular behavior is hard to be tolerated by others especially when staying with others besides those from the original environment.

Many hidden feelings which has been put aside and ignored for the past years, in order to maintain peace, is now resurfacing one by one, Triggered by different scenarios, different people, and different surroundings. Sometimes we can be numbed by things that we choose to ignore, to reach the extend where it becomes part of the norm. but when new people enters, or when new things or event surfaces, the norm which we slowly got used to, no longer stays as the norm. The original problem shows itself to be more major than what it was years back.

i dreamt that i was in my imaginary world

and i somehow managed to persuade mom and dad to let me have the car. the whole intention was to go and look for him

i remembered the journey in my imaginary world. the signboards, the roads.

reached where he is. then i found out that he was going to get married to her. i thought it was a joke. i remember his promises to me. i followed him around. pretty much amused at first. and i even helped with the preparation of the task he has to do to get the bride.

i remember vividly the last clue. where he had to go to the post office. i followed along. i even gave directions. i remember the post office. he had to take something from this part of the garden within the post office compound. to get the key to enter, we had to go upstairs to get it from the office.

i remember trailing him. i remember seeing his excitement. i remember seeing his joy. and i remember that he was getting married to another girl. i squeezed his palm, twinned his fingers with mine, and squeezed it. i remember he squeezed my fingers lightly and let them drop lose. i was the one holding on. i looked at him. full of hurt. i asked him. what happened? i thought you said it was me. what happened?

he looked at me with a very sarcastic face, saying "im tired of pleasing you, im tired of your never ending wanting of attention. im tired of you"

and he left.

i looked at him one last time, all that went through my mind was, you said you liked it when i manja with you, you said you like the attention i gave you, you said you liked the way i needed you, you said you loved me, you said there was no other girl. you said. and you forgot.

with all the strength i had left in my body, i ran away from him, ran away from what i saw, ran away from his presence.

i remembered, he was wearing a light beige colored tuxedo.

What a big difference

to say to a person : i miss god

and to say to god : i miss that person


Isaiah 53:12
12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great, [g]
and he will divide the spoils with the strong, [h]
because he poured out his life unto death,
and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
and made intercession for the transgressors.

god has been good. he always is. thought of the day was. the more we grow up to be in this world, the more we see the darkness of the world. and the higher the chances that we tend to follow what we observe. maybe not in terms of things we do, but our thinking, our mindset. our judgment of things. of what we see. how we feel towards many different people, how we value things, why we value certain things. how the media has influenced us so much.

as i look back, i see how my environment has trained me to be someone with a hard shell on the outside just to protect myself. somehow it seems so much to be a natural responds. compared to last time when i used to be so naive and so willing to take the blames and hurts. now, the mentality is push it away first, whatever that i see is undesirable, go away first. helping or going near is not the first thing that comes to my mind. i do pray yes. but last time, i would want to help first. then only think of myself second.

what has the world taught me? somehow i cant help thinking about am i still worthy enough to serve god. after all that i have changed. we all change according to time, no doubt. today i felt unworthy all of a sudden. feel as if, i dont have what it takes for people to look up to me.

until this passage came to me.. and it made me tear. it feels so special to be in the presence of god. sharing with him and telling him how i feel, what i think. and to have the assurance that Jesus died on the cross for all of us, all of our sins, and we are cleansed, called children of god. therefore, we are worthy of his love. not by actions but by grace.

and yes. it is much more precious to tell god that i miss a person rather than to tell a person that i miss god.

floats

fuzzy

sweet

giggles

after so many months. i still feel all giggly.

one's silent day. influences another's day.
till it becomes 2 silent days.

randomly random

what if.. Mr Locks is taken?

came and left again

with tears
and hope

counting down to the hours, minutes and seconds...

im excited!!

Micah 6:6-8 (New International Version)

6 With what shall I come before the LORD
and bow down before the exalted God?
Shall I come before him with burnt offerings,
with calves a year old?

7 Will the LORD be pleased with thousands of rams,
with ten thousand rivers of oil?
Shall I offer my firstborn for my transgression,
the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?

8 He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.

been having many spiritual attacks in my dreams the past few days. happens quite often, where in my dream, i see myself in the battle as one of the party, and i will start praying in tongues ferociously and also casting out demons ferociously in the name of jesus. of course at the end, the winner no doubt is always jesus. these kind of dreams still make me jump up from my sleep and makes me sweat cold sweat.

what this passage speaks to me about is, verse 8 in particular. it gives the assurance that i dont need to give god material stuff in large quantities just to win over the heart of god. but what matters to god the most, which is also the most important thing is to act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with god. all three things, which sounds simple but yet maybe not so easy when we do it. but god's grace is sufficient for all of us.

god's instructions are straight forward.. and many times he doesnt give the full picture of what is going to happen, only pieces and parts to different people. but at the end, when we realise the wonders of god and when we see the full picture of what we had to go through, its all worth it because its beautiful.

so it has been 1 week, 7 days
and we both survived
press on! =)

happy 16th!

reflection time of what i have been through for the past almost 16 months. he's been a part of many inner thoughts and inner conflicts. a friend to cry with and a friend to just have fun with. a friend who challenged me to be transparent yet a friend who protected the weak side of me. a friend who finds me funny yet a friend who knows when to stay silent and just be there when i feel down. a friend to treasure and a friend to love.

The LORD Appears to Elijah

And the word of the LORD came to him: "What are you doing here, Elijah?"

10 He replied, "I have been very zealous for the LORD God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, broken down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too."

11 The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by."
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.

be still, be quiet. and let god speak.

its officially LONG DISTANCE
* of course there was all the laughter and tears as it approached

tomorrow is finally coming
the day of separation
the day much awaited for yet dreaded at the same time
the day that was talked about so much
the day that was highly feared
wish me all the best
(no, this time there is no spilled water on my pants)

today dih said to me : i need to learn how to say no more often
me : why? to who?
dih : to you la. you eat too much

boo him

from the near we to now the far away we

walk on towards the same direction with god leading the way

supporter

thank you

leaving and imagining add in hoping
is never easy

deja vu

knowing someone you love is on the verge of.. being very sick

i dont know how to face that
time and again i face the same situation and i ask myself
what am i going to do?

until today. i still dont have the answer

all i am doing is keep praying and keep praying

i dont know how to face life
i dont know what i should do
i dont know what i can do

i just officially finished my second year of university
starting my final year in may

was just reflecting on how my life had changed from secondary school till now. if i were to sum it up, it would be the grace of god.

i've seen myself passing through exams by exams, acing many of them. but as i look back, i know that it was the hand of god that was blessing me with so much more than i deserved. people asked, how do i study? besides doing and understanding what i learn constantly, i believe its the prayers and god that has brought me this far

spiritually, god has taught me how to rely on him. how his knowledge is infinite. and to see how small i am compared to him, the great god that we have. i have been humbled by god time and again, struggled through trying to understand things from my window. i am learning to trust god in all i do, not only in terms of what i go through in life as a student, but also in all the daily struggles, in what i think and what i observe

as semester by semester passes, i know that we are suppose to be more equipped in what we are learning, in my case, it marketing. up till today, i don't quite see myself doing what is expected of me when i graduate. the future is still so vague. going for interviews, getting a job. to me, its what is needed, but is that what i choose to do? maybe i have a faint idea but i fear speaking it out.

dih is leaving for sitiawan end of may as he's almost graduated. things are getting more emotional. trying to spend as much time together before he leaves.

exams are done with for now. its the holidays!! but im working. doesnt make much of a difference.

time to catch up with my sleep and also my food craving habits =)

i feel sulky
i feel pout y
i feel like leaving all aside

today i learned that when its time to part, its time to part

even belongings that makes me reminisce will be taken away

part of parting huh?

=)

the fever bug is a big fan of yours huh?

when you reach a t-junction, what do you do? where do you go?
there is only a left turn and a right turning, stopping or going straight on are not options.

psalm 1 gives an indication or a clear sign of what we should do when facing with such dilemmas.


1 Blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers.

blessed here indicates joy, happiness with relation to what man can do. in Hebrew, it is known as "sha". many associates blessed with happiness but it is not always the case. we can still be blessed when we are sad. it is the inner joy and ecstasy of elated happiness.

notice the progresses in verse one, it starts of with "walk-counsel-wicked", continues with "stand-way-mockers" and ends up with "sit-seat-mockers"

just like the story of lot and sodom, where god asked abram to leave his country in genesis 12. he brought lot along.

"5 Now Lot, who was moving about with Abram, also had flocks and herds and tents. 6 But the land could not support them while they stayed together, for their possessions were so great that they were not able to stay together. 7 And quarreling arose between Abram's herdsmen and the herdsmen of Lot. The Canaanites and Perizzites were also living in the land at that time.

8 So Abram said to Lot, "Let's not have any quarreling between you and me, or between your herdsmen and mine, for we are brothers. 9 Is not the whole land before you? Let's part company. If you go to the left, I'll go to the right; if you go to the right, I'll go to the left."

10 Lot looked up and saw that the whole plain of the Jordan was well watered, like the garden of the LORD, like the land of Egypt, toward Zoar. (This was before the LORD destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah.) 11 So Lot chose for himself the whole plain of the Jordan and set out toward the east. The two men parted company: 12 Abram lived in the land of Canaan, while Lot lived among the cities of the plain and pitched his tents near Sodom. 13 Now the men of Sodom were wicked and were sinning greatly against the LORD."

Genesis 13

lot started of by choosing the nice plan of land where it was outside sodom. in case you're wondering what is wrong with sodom? thats where the word sodomy started.
but as the story progressed, we see that in genesis 19, Lot was sitting at the gateway of the city. from being outside of the city. now he was sitting at the gateway. was he putting himself into danger? was he seeping into his consequences because of a poor naiveness of greener pastures?

Genesis 19

Sodom and Gomorrah Destroyed

1 The two angels arrived at Sodom in the evening, and Lot was sitting in the gateway of the city. When he saw them, he got up to meet them and bowed down with his face to the ground. 2 "My lords," he said, "please turn aside to your servant's house. You can wash your feet and spend the night and then go on your way early in the morning."

the word here is "compromising". many times we follow the progress, but we are lost in the midst of compromising that we end up falling.

take the story of this boy, he was at a waterfall. beautiful place. and there was a huge boulder with water flowing on top of it. many took it as a slide down the water. so this boy, he tried the first time and he enjoyed it. now, to get on top of the boulder, there is another way that people take, where water dont flow through those parts and it is dry. but this boy, instead of going the normal way up, he decided to climb up the wet boulder instead. the result? he slipped and fell and hit his chin hard. he needed 5 stitches to sew the wound up.

talk about compromising. many time, we dont realise the process in it. it is until the time where we hit hard on the ground and get hurt badly that we realise, we shouldnt have done that. how foolish i was.

or even the story of samson and delilah, of how he was deceived time and again by delilah to give up his secret of his strength. imagine how foolish he was to get trick time and again by the same girl. it had to be delilah who was giving away his secrets for she was the one who asked. after repeated times of her asking with him lying to her and him getting caught in the night. he still chose to stay with her. the result of his compromising is his fall.

2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.

3 He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers.

from verse 2 and 3, we see the word "delight" and "meditates day and night". it shows the fervency in wanting to know the law of the lord, which is the word of god. and the results? prosperity and fruits.

4 Not so the wicked!
They are like chaff
that the wind blows away.

5 Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.

here, the contrast between verse 2&3 and 4&5. chaffs are grain husts that are blown away and burned because there is simply no use for it.

6 For the LORD watches over the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked will perish.

to end the decision making between the left or right at the t-junction, we look back at what the outcome will be depending upon each choice we make. the lord watches over the way of the righteous. what else can we ask for but to receive the blessing of god watching over us if we are righteous?

-kaog saturday service sermon-

a slight expectation to see her after what he's gone through
the first thing he said : where are you?
she wonders if he was looking for her for comfort
she wonders if distance was not a barrier
will he say that he wanted a hug?

being far away

makes prayers seems so strong

because right now at this point

prayer seems to be the only connecting comforting message than i can send across

to have faith when things are shaky
to show love when a person needs comfort
to pray for a love one when nothing else can be done

knowing a person
to the extend of knowing what each face movement means
to the extend of hearing that person's voice and knowing the expression of the other person
to the extend of knowing what each gesture indicates

is scary yet so intimate

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, ^[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

cut my hair

its now short

not shoulder length short

but boyish short

will put up pics when i take them .

11 When Job's three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. 12 When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. 13 Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.

the best comfort is just by being there. not the words or the advices. but more of the company, the hugs and the tears

Isaiah 55:8-11 (New International Version)

8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

10 As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

a reminder of what i knew. and where im heading to. another step in my life.

felt compelled to give more than what i can to God

"people choose not to give out what they have because they fear losing what they already have. but the wonders of our God is when we give what we can, the void is filled with so many more folds of what we gave back to God"

money is not what i have. but instead what i have is time and effort. i remember giving so much at one point of time. but i slacked. i lost the feel.

yesterday in church. i was telling god. that is what im going to do again. im going to give god what i have. because he deserves it.

i felt the closeness. the touch. the passion. the intimacy. and i miss those moments. praying that it will last.

no matter how strong you think you are
there will still be moments when you are weak
thats why you need to pray

what if's and plans

i dont feel like talking
so dont ask me

its just another quiet day

leaving behind carrying forward with a sense of numbness

ever had thoughts of whether one person's existance in another person's life is merely to conform the person into a better person and nothing more?
but often the other person might not know the reason of existance in the duration of the happenings

having you for myself these few days = BLISS

it doesnt matter
and probably will never matter anymore

there was him
with the fear of failing
willing to give up everything to not fail

there was her
with no fear of failing
willing to give up everything to have her last chance with him

there was them
unable to cope with the extras of life
and went into a hiatus

when one cannot live with an extra one
the extra one has to be cut off

i drown myself in my dreams
dreams of imaginary places that comes alive
places that seems so real yet it only exist in my dreams
yet the backdrop appears so many times that it seems existent

motivator = bumbum

no bumbum = no study

no study = waste time

the stress level is building up all around
no joke

Proverbs 3:1-12 (New International Version)

Proverbs 3

Further Benefits of Wisdom

1 My son, do not forget my teaching,
but keep my commands in your heart,

2 for they will prolong your life many years
and bring you prosperity.

3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.

4 Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man.

5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight. ^[a]

7 Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the LORD and shun evil.

8 This will bring health to your body
and nourishment to your bones.

9 Honor the LORD with your wealth,
with the firstfruits of all your crops;

10 then your barns will be filled to overflowing,
and your vats will brim over with new wine.

11 My son, do not despise the LORD's discipline
and do not resent his rebuke,

12 because the LORD disciplines those he loves,
as a father ^[b] the son he delights in.

am praying hard for my finals as it is only 2 weeks away. there are a lot to study.this semester has been more hectic than ever. somehow i realised that we have a choice of whether to want god to carry us through the lives we are living. or we want to choose our own ways and do it our own way. this semester. i chose to live on my own for a period of time. and as i look back. i see the vast differences. one question that reminds me of god's kindness and mercy is : if i have a god that is so big, so powerful, so loving to want to help me in my life, why do i still want to rely on my own strength?

today's passage came timely for me. i have been feeling a little down due to the lower than usual marks that i received for my coursework. however, probably im learning to think out of just exam based. life is not all about exams. its a life long process. for me, to fully understand a statement, i need heart knowledge. many times i know it in my head, and i can even quote it for others. but to fully feel the words and the meaning, it comes from the heart. thats what im learning on the whole concept of education. its not about scoring the grades. its about learning. its about willing to take failures and work at it.

what would really mean more is having wisdom that comes from god.

no more

Matthew 6:25-34 (New International Version)

Do Not Worry

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^[a]?

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

god is always good. i have been worrying a lot about dih since his accident. his body condition, any after effects, any internal injury. and i also have been worrying about my bro going away to study, about exams that are coming up so soon.

life has been getting better. improving. from the pit where i was. to the climbing up stage where i am today. god has been good. he has been the one picking me up. and i am learning once again from scratch to rely on his' goodness.

getting up has not been easy. there has been so many instances where i was so tempted to just give up everything to stay back in the dark hole once again. but i thank god for people who have been there encouraging me when i needed it most. and i thank god for his word that is alive.

where do i go from here? its another 6 weeks or so till exams ends and till dih leaves for his future. its not going to be easy adapting. im going to miss having him around to talk to, to laugh together, all the heart to heart talks, the comforting sessions, the devotions together, the prayers together. but like today's devo. im learning to trust god to know and to believe that he will take care of us and of all those i hold dear.

life is short

thank you =)

for holding my hand tightly when i failed you

happy 14th!

april fool's day

chieng dihhaw met with an accident today
knocked off his bike by a taxi that didnt see him turning in
the suspense of him saying "i have something to tell you, dont be afraid"
made my heart jump out
and it is still not back into place yet
he is ok
no major injury
only a bruise on his right elbow.
he said his helmet saved his head
thank god for his safety

i so want to go there and see him
but..

cut out and withered in the solemnness of white and dried twigs

waited in vain

thank you for always being there even when im at my worst moments
thank you for being able to sense when there is something wrong and talk to me about it
thank you for not giving up on me
thank you for being beside me when i have to face the consequences
thank you for encouraging me and supporting me when i mess up badly so often

i messed things up again
getting up is not easy
learning to say sorry for my mistakes

woke up smiling to a whole new day
woke up smiling to the gone headache
woke up smiling to god for a new day
it was all well
it was all well
until the sudden fainting spell

sudden palpitation
breakouts of cold sweat
ears feeling blocked
eyes seeing nothing else but orange stars with a black background
pale face
white lips
shaky legs
cold shivers down my spine
whole body from head to toe cold and lifeless

all so scary yet so familiar
so distance and foreign yet so homely

couldnt help thinking
what if my heart chooses to stop beating right at that moment?
i'll probably leave with a smile.
but people around my might get a shock

Romans 8:11-18 (New International Version)

11And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.

12Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation—but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. 13For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, 14because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. 15For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship.^[a] And by him we cry, "Abba,^[b] Father." 16The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. 17Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

day by day teaching to lead my every single step.
thank you for answering my prayers.

Mark 5:25-34

And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, "If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed." Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.

At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, "Who touched my clothes?"

"You see the people crowding against you," his disciples answered, "and yet you can ask, `Who touched me?'"

But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."

that one touch was what i needed more than anything else.

and that same one touch was what i received today.

switch of focus

brain waves when collected and integrated into words
shows a dispelling outcome

positive and negative?
up to the decider

but the outcome is amplified when its put into words
much more compared to just flowing thoughts

seeing someone who woke up at the wrong side of the bed is scary

my order list

1. fu yu yao mak
2. waffle
3. loh mai kai
4. fried chicken from mamak (eaten)

thank you!

cooking spree..

here i come!!!!

*grins*

its over! its over!

*jumps around*

its over! its over!

dragging those reluctant feet back to work..

No matter what you say about love
I keep coming back for more
Keep my hand in the fire
Sooner or later, I'll get what I'm asking for

No matter what you say about life
I learn every time I bleed
That truth is a stranger
Soul is in danger, I gotta let my spirit be free

To admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but I have to move on
And leave you behind

I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize, nothing's broken
No need to worry 'bout everything I've done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back at a new direction
I loved you once, needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo

(Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you
I'll always have you, I'll always have you)

I'm sick of playing all of these games
It's not about taking sides
When I looked in the mirror, didn't deliver
It hurt enough to think that I could

Stop, admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but I gotta be strong
And leave you behind


(Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you
I'll always have you)

If I live every moment
Won't change any moment
Still a part of me and you
I will never regret you
Still the memory of you
Marks everything i do


Just like a tattoo
I'll always have you

let me introduce you to Mr. Locks
Mr Locks is a dream friend who play the main guy role in a few of my dreams
he makes his appearance once in a while when i feel i need him to appear
and i saw him again last night
somehow Mr Locks knows how to pop up at the part of the dream where i remember them
and last night he was a rock star
i knew it was him because i saw him
but i didnt get to meet him personally because i was whisked away by some other people

it all ends next tuesday
press on

sleeping time management

looks like there is an improvement. i woke up earlier than usual today. but to do that. i had to sleep earlier than usual, much earlier than usual in fact. wholesome sleep time started from 430PM till 730AM this morning. no wonder im happy. =)

Luke 4

The Temptation of Jesus

1Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit in the desert, 2where for forty days he was tempted by the devil. He ate nothing during those days, and at the end of them he was hungry.

3The devil said to him, "If you are the Son of God, tell this stone to become bread."

4Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone.'^[a]"

5The devil led him up to a high place and showed him in an instant all the kingdoms of the world. 6And he said to him, "I will give you all their authority and splendor, for it has been given to me, and I can give it to anyone I want to. 7So if you worship me, it will all be yours."

8Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Worship the Lord your God and serve him only.'^[b]"

9The devil led him to Jerusalem and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. "If you are the Son of God," he said, "throw yourself down from here. 10For it is written:
" 'He will command his angels concerning you
to guard you carefully;
11they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.'^[c]"

12Jesus answered, "It says: 'Do not put the Lord your God to the test.'^[d]"

13When the devil had finished all this tempting, he left him until an opportune time.

Luke 4: 1-13

i need to learn proper sleeping time management

things to do

1. much dreaded blood test. decided not to take test
   
2. confirm cf venue with dsa. inform joel and huimin
3. retail and distribution assignment
4. retail and distribution commentator's report
   
5. print international marketing commentator's report
6. product management. edit and add stuff.
7. marketing research in practice. type hard copy.
8. marketing research in practice. discuss case study.

the madness starts tomorrow again.

When you smile
My life becomes a ray of light
Sing me a lullaby
To sleep at midnight
I'll be hypotizes
When looked into your eyes
turn off the room light
Let's spend the night
Take me to far away
Away to your secret place
Take my tears my fears
Take all my pain
For which I'll repay someday
With a kiss and say
Can't believe that I'm in love
In love again
When the stars don't shine
And when the birds don't fly
And when the flowers cry
And when the rain runs dry
When the violet's red
And when the rose turn blue
Baby i'm still in love with you